Author Archive for M. Toole

Missing hunters rescued

—Ridgway, CO October 26, 2014— Two Texas hunters, lost on Miller Mesa, were airlifted to a local hospital this morning and appear to be in good shape. The unidentified woodsmen said they became disoriented while tracking a large elk or moose through a remote and exposed section of cliffs in the Uncompahgre National Forest above on the way up Hayden Peak.
Difficult terrain, bad weather and lack of ample provisions contributed to the problem.
Relatives were ecstatic at the news and plan a welcome home party for the flatlanders next week.
Doctors at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital told news sources that the men were fine considering the lengthy ordeal. They are expected to be released tomorrow. The two had not been seen since they wandered off into the Mount Sneffels Wilderness in search of game in October of 1954.

People who look like their pets

It’s amazing that so many of us look like our pets. Is it longevity or is it magic? Above we see Melvin Toole with his friends Hardy, Pardy and Fardy, twin sons of a different mothers.

D.A. Skeptical in Tuna Case

Special to The Silverton Tramp Miner and Times
(Portland — October 26, 2014) The District Attorney Down East says testimony in the Charlie Tuna vs. Maine is misrepresentative, fishy and unfounded. Tuna, a washed up dorsal fin television celebrity from the 80s, has been charged with fraud and abandonment in contracted dealings with Star-Kist Inc., a local canning concern.
He is also expected to be indicted over an alleged breakout at Boothbay Harbor, a minimum security breeding farm housing over 2000 fish in a facility built for 1500.
“He just couldn’t go into that cold water anymore,” said a fellow inmate. “Seems he’d just lost his nerve. The luster was gone.”
While the hat, the shades and the slick talk were all Hollywood, Tuna was in reality a sensitive, cold-blooded fish that grew up on mean streets and got into trouble early. His early exit from a promising career as a spokesman for Star-Kist is only exemplary of his inability follow up on agreements and to hold a job for more than a few months, say relatives.
A Coast Guard source verified that Tuna would turn himself in to two lobstermen on Friday.
“Now that,” said the D.A., will be quite a trick.”
-Connor Sturgeon

Goose Season Opens Early

(Ridgway, CO October 26, 2014)
The Colorado Division of Wildlife has announced that the popular Goose Season will open earlier this year to avoid heavy snows forecasted for the Western Slope. Each license will be allowed 100 points, with senior hunters enjoying 125 points. Out-of-state hunters will be charged double for less or banned from the exercise outright.
Ouray and Montrose residents can legally operate on main arteries on Montrose, Ridgway and Olathe while Silverton inhabitants can operate anywhere. Grand Junction and Delta hunters are restricted to Mesa Mall and North Fork River drainage. Gunnison and Hinsdale folks will stay home and hunt up and down the respective valley, as well as Monarch and Slumgullion Passes.
Out of state goose enthusiasts are not allowed into incorporated villages and towns but must seek prey in the wilds and the backcountry. Their licenses are only good per day and must be renewed each morning.
Licenses issued to men are for females only while licenses sold to women are for males only. Evidence of sex is strictly enforced. Gay people must apply over the counter for expanded gender paperwork. In general blondes are rated at 20 points while redheads and brunettes demand 15 points. Over 65 years-old merits a thank you. For women, males with firm posteriors are worth 20 points (with the presence of surprise, 30 points). Over 1000 licenses have been sold to females for the male hunt compared to 745 for males for the counterpart. 18 and under is off limits for both classifications.
Every time a goose is applied the offensive party must exhibit his/her license. The State of Colorado is not responsible for and will not entertain complaints against face-slaps or other bodily injuries as the result of goosing. – Tommy Middlefinger

Senate Passes Deferment for Bartenders

(Washington—Otober 26, 2014) In its only meaningful legislative action this week the United States Senate today passed a sweeping resolution that gives bartenders “complete and irrevocable suspension from military duty in case of war.
Citing the precedent case Martini vs. Manhattan, opponents of the bill argued that officer’s clubs all over the world would suffer as a result of this misguided decision. If bartenders are not drafted who will pour shots for army officers or boat drinks for the ensigns? They accused supporters of hostility toward the burgeoning business of warfare.
“Making drinks in a relaxed atmosphere is imperative in future international conflicts especially when one or more of the participants manufactures weapons to sell to the rest of the world,” said a proponent of the bill. “Would we want a lot of thirsty government contractors or lobbyists to represent our best interests? No.”
“In our growing first to the trough mentality in this country we must undress these potential crisis before the ice melts,” she continued.
Although the legislative body appeared intent on wasting time voting on such issues as immigration, failing infrastructure and the state of education it quickly stacked its priorities, regained its composure and, at last call, passed out on the bar 96–4.
This is the second time the governing body has stepped in on alcohol related issues this session having added the barfly as well as the neighborhood tavern to the endangered species list back in July.

“Being in debt is one sure way to prove that it is possible to have less than nothing.” – Mercy Greenspam, fiscal guru

Post-Toole Engagement Announced

(Montrose, CO — October 26, 2014) Etiquette diva Emily Post today announced her engagement to Colona man, Melvin Toole. The announcement was held at a posh luncheon the American Legion up in Silverton due to the intense heat in the lower Uncompahgre Valley.
No date has been set for the upcoming nuptials.
Ms Post was quoted as saying that she is looking very forward to the wedding.
“I have searched the world over for the right man…someone I could take by the hand, someone to whom I could dedicate my life and apply all that I have learned about etiquette, social responsibility and good taste. I have found that in Melvin. I am certain that the marriage will be a happy one since Melvin will be an ongoing project.”
Post added that Toole would be a lifetime challenge and commitment beyond her wildest dreams.
Toole, a ribald jazzman and fringe journalist of minor regard, was not available for comment as he overslept and missed the luncheon.

“I drive a trashed out car but a hard bargain.” – Melvin Toole