Author Archive for M. Toole

Police Report

With Marcella DesPlants
The shame of Colorado’s Western Slope — October 26, 2014

Delta Police arrested Enselmo DesPlants Friday evening after he was thrown out of the same bar 16 times, between 10 pm and close. This is believed to be the amateur record, a feat that meant little to the judge who ruled that DesPlants stay home and spend more time with his livestock. DesPlants spent time in jail three years ago for painting mustaches on political campaign posters without artistic license. The judge in that case ordered that he repaint all of the billboards in question despite his alarming lack of artistic talent.

Ronald DesPlants was taken into custody by officers in Olathe on Saturday night after he was caught with his hand stuck in a newspaper vending machine outside Big Butt Matty’s Andouille Parlor. When police arrived DesPlants was on his knees in tears. When questioned he insisted that he was just warming his hands and needed the money for dog food although he does not host a canine. He was charged with attempted petty theft and plead not guilty to all charges current and impending. Moments later he was charged with bribery after inviting two investigative officers to lunch at Red’s Gravy Heaven if they’d simply forget the infraction.

Amanda DesPlants, 68, was picked up near City Hall in Montrose and charged with littering, criminal trespass and drunk driving after police observed her going through bags of leaves on a neighborhood curb, cutting some, loudly cursing passersby as she sank deeper and deeper into the leafy mess. She is also up on charges of dog-at-large violations although her attorney insists that the dogs were in fact her dimwitted and foul-mouthed son, Duke. She is expected to plead not guilty by reason of insanity.

Police, following a telephone tip, arrived at 21 Bluecheese Parkway Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily banging away at his laptop. Who’s On First National Bank has pressed charges against the robust 15-year-old, alleging that DesPlants hacked into the bank’s sophisticated computer network and calmly transferred over $90,000, which he funneled into his personal account. While on premises, Delta County deputies broke up a lingering fistfight between the lad’s parents, Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that reportedly started over what television program the couple would watch next Wednesday night.

Fresh from serving 30 days for menacing a variety of garden vegetables, Muriel DesPlants was cited and fined $50 for entering a thermal spa fully clothed. Charged with trespassing and public nuisance raps DesPlants threatened to move her doublewide to Hermosa. The next morning an estimated 80 Silverton residents showed up to help her relocate. She is currently broke down at Molas Lake and awaiting a preliminary hearing.

Convicted Peeping Tom, Anwar DesPlants was forcibly removed from an apartment in Anciano Towers yesterday. DesPlants had been squatting in an unfurnished rooftop unit since 1989. He often supplemented his income by breaking into ski houses, redecorating them on the sly and then extracting payment for the unsolicited service from whatever was left in drawers, safes and under mattresses. If convicted on these alleged intrusions DesPlants could serve up to five years in a local feedlot.

TODAY IN HISTORY

Today in history-1987: Ex-UN chief Kurt Waldheim ended his World War II medical association with the late Dr. Joseph Mengle, saying he had only translated Yiddish medical journals and answered the phone occasionally. In response to accusations that he was an officer in the SS during that conflict, Waldheim said he only translated Prussian battlefield conversations and answered the phone occasionally.

Today in history 1934: Robber Baron American business tycoons began withholding 10% of their worker’s pay so to allow them to better acclimate to the controversial Social Security System, about to be implemented. The vest and cigar boys then claimed the money would be spent renovating the Statute of Limitations, an Off-Shore Banking Operation, located an an undisclosed spot in New York Harbor.

“Not watching at least 45 complete baseball games during the summer is not only anti-American, it’s borderline treason.” – Pete Rose

Green Chili Shortages Cripple Slope

(Pea Green, CO October 26, 2014) As has been feared a chronic shortage of green chilies is expected to envelope Western Colorado this fall. Partly due to a wet summer, poor distribution and limited storage, nightmares have come to roost leaving consumers desperate for the little green peppers.
Considered a delicacy, and verified as a rare source of vitamins, the chilies will be scarce all over the region but shortages will be most acute in Dolores, La Plata, Montezuma and Archuleta Counties, ironically the traditional sources of the vegetables.
Agricultural experts are perplexed and a little embarrassed at having been caught off-guard on such imperatives as crop status and yield prediction.
“We were blind-sided by our own calculations,” said one seed seer over in Conejos County. “The numbers were exceptional in 2013 and we saw no indication of a shift or change for 2014.”
Beyond this trouble in the fields, the popular crop’s dismal performance may have been political as well as nutritional since the lack of Immigration Reform made it more difficult to provide workers at the optimum time for picking.
Growers say many of the chilies died on the vine since no one showed up to pick them.
“Many of our regular employees did not show up this year since they were not clear on legal status and enforcement of existing laws which have always been shady but now are psychotic,” said one farmer in Ignacio.
Green chilies could fetch up to $20 per pound by October although jalapeno and tortilla sales should remain constant according to watchdogs in the thick of it. Hoarding is expected, if not encouraged.
Already an illegal flood of Tabasco, banana peppers, Carib hot sauces and various strains of cayenne have found their way into Colorado making life difficult for border police. Notable busts include thousands of pounds of habanera peppers, confiscated near Rico and a semi-load of Trinidad Scorpion Peppers (estimated street value of over $500,000) seized Friday in downtown Cahone.
“We legalized the possession of peppers some three decades ago,” said one policeman. “But not truckloads of them swarming our borders. Every time we think we have a narcotics ring in our sights it turns out to be pepper smugglers. We are seeing a pattern here. We just don’t know what it might be.”
And if this news is not bad enough, genetically modified peppers have sneaked into the fray often impersonating the real thing. Persons purchasing such produce should be warned as to health risks. A decision to eat these products could be fatal.
“Just look to the source. Would you trust these corporate farmers?” asked the Conejos seer. “They are the same people who are killing the bees, spraying poisons on crops and even destroying the soil with their mass methods of production. Supporting this evil plan is the deathblow to activist environmentalism in this nation.”
“These pepper enthusiasts are desperate. They will get their heat one way or another,” she said. “Let’s just hope it all remains peaceful.”
A benefit concert for chili farmers is scheduled for late October in Dove Creek. Headliners include Freddy Fender, Beyonce, Billy Nelson, Ruben Rada and Julius La Rosa Quartet. – Maria Jardin

Snow Pea Crop Looks Like a Good One

(Crested Bute, CO —October 26, 2014) Crested Butte’s much maligned snow pea crop should break all existing records this harvest season. The crop, currently burgeoning out of control may have to be stored on Elk Avenue until it can be processed and categorized.
According to the FDA, the product cannot be shipped until each pea has a sticker on it that describes origin and destination. That will take time. Until then several backstreets will be shut down and some prime parking spaces will be affected.
Even with the inconveniences there is reason for celebration down on the farm: Food brokers say the snow pea yield will exceed the largest agricultural profits recorded since 1928, when marijuana was reclassified as a narcotic.
The elements of a rich harvest are all here: Lots of snow, sunshine and the coming colder nights. As most of us know, the snow peas cannot handle consistent daytime temperatures above 80 degrees, preferring seasonal highs of 60-65 found in the northern end of the Gunnison Valley.
Often farmers must blow cold air over their fields to prevent pea burnout while pea poachers have become a problem since the Obama Administration began giving all the rich folks’ money to the poor.
“I run a few fans during the high peak but my favorite part is shooting at poachers,” said Earl Sykes, who irrigates 10,000 acres of rocky terrain every morning before breakfast.
Most of the snow peas will find their way to Peabody, Kansas where they will be shipped by rail to waiting markets back east. Refrigerated freight cars are not needed since the peas acclimatize once they are picked.
Area restaurants have embraced the subtleties of the Crested Butte Snow Pea. Already seminars, focused on eating peas with a butter knife and adorning favorite green dishes, have been popping up like April rocks on thinly clad slopes. Special cocktails such as the Vodka Pod have made their way onto many menus while pretty young women prance around town in scanty Green Giant knockoffs.
Many Mount Crested Butte condominiums have been torn down so as to create more agricultural space and free up larger tracts of arable farmland for this lucrative industry. – Suite Pea Malone

Days may get shorter warns weatherman

(Denver- Special to The Montrose Mouse October 26, 2014)
A local weatherman in the Mile High City is boldly predicting that the days will begin to get markedly shorter this fall. In a departure from traditional thought, Balmy Brennan, a longtime climatologist and meteorologist on TV, repeated his forecast, matter-of-factly.
Brennan repeated the stark warning again that afternoon at the Brown Palace Polo Club, much to the astonishment of an assembled entourage who had come to learn about climate change before winter arrives.
“We all know about climate change,” said Brennan, “but my calculations clearly indicate that some aspects of the weather will stay the same. The sun will come up and go down. The moon will shine and disappear. The stars will seduce young lovers.”
The weatherman then rolled up his sleeves and got down to the nitty-gritty as to what people might expect in the coming weeks.
“Somehow a conjunction of the earth and the sun dictate the length of daylight hours,” he explained before hecklers drove him from his podium.
“Communist! Witch! Liberal!” they screamed as Brennan retreated in to the Ship’s Tavern Bar followed by a pack of paparazzi and a throng of failed Rockies’ relief pitchers who have been hoping that shorter days may help them forget their disastrous season. – Tommy Middlefinger

Gimme Football

(From University of Colorado Diversions.
Used by Permission)
Volleyball is for girls
Tennis is for sissies
Gimme fuball
Gimme fuball

Chess is for wimps
Swimming is for worms
Gimme futball
Gimme futball

Hockey is for softheads
Golf is for jellyfish
Gimme futball
Gimme futball

Bowling is for whiners
Baseball is for milksops
Gimme futball
Gimme futball

Surfing is for flounders
Jogging is for turtles
Gimme futball
Gimme futball

Yachting is for pantywaists
Handball is for doormats
Gimme futball
Gimme futball.
– Bill Knuckles as told to
Steve Nagy, Bowling Green
University, November 1970.