Author Archive for M. Toole
Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2030?
(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.
The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.
“The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”
The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.
“The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope.
The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile.
“It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal.
– St. Roscoe of Preakness
Schicklgruber family sues Trump for plagiarism
(Munich) Because Adolf Hitler’s father Alois was born out of wedlock, the Nazi leader used the last name “Schicklgruber” until adulthood.
Long before, In 1876, Alois changed his last name to “Hitler,” when he added his stepfather’s name to his birth certificate. More recently, descendants have gone back to the original Schicklgruber, apparently not wanting to use the named Hitler due to possible negative associations to mass murder and genocide.
The word schicklgruber is translated from Austrian-German (Adolf’s birth tongue) as “money-grubber” or “fate-digger”.
The above-mentioned legal action claims that the part-time resident of the White House, Donald J. Trump did willfully and menacingly steal speeches from the Fuher and has cherry-picked passages from other writings, particularly Mein Kampf and a particularly dreary, and little known, Liebe und Lebensraum, a pathetic, drug-laced romance novel penned by Hitler (the spicy scenes reputedly created by Rudolf Hess) while the former cooled his heels in Lansberg Prison in 1924.
If the mustachioed Corporal Hitler had been snuffed at the Battle of Galicia/Lemberg (August–September 1914) like more than 450,000 Austria-Hungarian and Russian combatants, none of this would have mattered and the author of this piece could be sitting in his sunny Antioquia plaza sipping lattes and anejo rum, gazing at beautiful women instead of pontificating up here in a shabby treehouse redoubt.
Dire warnings began flooding in way back in 1924, with one ultra-critical uncle red flagging Germany’s future leader.
“I’d damn sure keep an eye on that swarthy bastard. He’s a wing nut without a washer.” – Uncle Otto Hitler, Swabian cabinet maker
“He was a nice kid before the Great War and before he donned that stupid mustache.” – Helga Schicklgruber, maternal grandmother’s third cousin and occasional gardener.
“Be careful of Adolf. He’s not quite right.” – Rolf Greeger, fellow Austrian soldier, who spent time in the trenches with Hitler despite bone spurs that should have kept him back in Berlin for the duration of the conflict.
“I know nothing.” – Sergeant Hans Schultz, fictional German guard in Luft Stalag 13 (Hogan’s Heroes television program).
-Fred Zeppelin
Colorado poised to lose billions in foreign tourist dollars this summer
Tourism from Europe and countries all over the world appears to be in big trouble in 2026. Sure, we still have the traditional credit card wielding southern visitors and the weekenders from the Front Range passing through. And yes, the second home owners are still here, but an international, generally pleasant, often affluent sector of Colorado’s tourism is being diluted if not gone altogether due to fear of Immigration police and ICE thugs.
“These people have read about the arrogance and incompetence of federal officials who would rather send someone to a holding facility than whistle dixie,” said a reliable source in the Minnesota mayor’s office.
“They have read about murders committed by Nuevo Nazis and raids on the homes of aliens and US citizens alike,” piped another travel agency web designer whose grandparents survived the occupation of France in the 1940s. “Many Europeans undoubtedly remember other hostile regimes and the reluctance of their parents and grandparents to cross those borders for necessities, business and especially pleasure.”
Although xenophobia has been globally persistent for centuries and still exists today, the most lethal and festering example might have occurred during the period up to and during World War II when foreign visitors ran the risk of being detained and harassed if not just held in contempt by a brainwashed provincials and oafish constables.
Accessible figures on tourist dollars flowing into Germany dropped significantly 1933- 1945 and Japan more drastic (even in the midst of victorious autocracy) figures emerged. Tourist visits and other telltale data in Italy remained solvent, with El Douche and his buddies claiming prisoners in concentration camps on official guest rolls. Spending in conquered countries circumvented previous figures in places like Mongolia, Ethiopia, Poland, Greece and North Africa even before Adolf Hitler’s birthday in 1931. Russia has relied little on foreign tourism but even that sad statistic it hit an all-time low during the Stalin dictatorship.
“It’s simple enough, “ continued the second source: People don’t like to go on vacation where totalitarianism reigns and freedoms are being whittled away like a twig from a once mighty oak under a sharp blade. It makes them nervous.”
Source: I earned my MBA in tourism in night school – Pea Green Academy Curriculum: Cash register comfort/credit card manipulation, how to handle a rare cash payment for worthless souvenirs/How to deflect senior discount requests/intimidation with dogs and stories about bear attacks…The stance at the cash register. Parade rest, feet firmly on level surface / leaning on canes, walls, lame conversation to make your daily goal/taxation without clarification – taking liberties with the IRS.
Meanwhile WSUC in Gunnison expects to offer a Master’s Degree in sports micro-management this autumn. With a focus on adverb use and the inherent power of silence through the joys of dead air. Flank the critics with this popular and timely degree! Talk to your life coach today!
Apology: We mistakenly headlined a recent story: Scallops become prawns in Japanese tiff with China. The headline should have said Scallops become pawns…We are sorry if anyone was hurt by our insensitive reports on this matter.
White Nationalists missed big chance to rename Winter Olympics
The 2026 Winter Olympics could have been called The Caucasian Olympics plus 2 (China and Japan) but white supremacist blew it.
Clearly Aryans dominate the event with Norse and Flemish overtones and including Southern European tribes such as the Spain, Portugal, France and the 2026 hosts.
1st Winter Olympics were held in Chamonix, France 1924. Before that there were no Winter Olympics since the entire concept originated in Greece and there is not enough snow to bobsled or ample ice to engage in the suspense of curling.
One might ask: Well then why didn’t Hitler, (or even Georgian Joe Stalin*) jump on the chance to promote the Caucasian culture?
Glad you asked: The next every-four-years scheduled Olympic Games would have been in 1928 while Adolf was cooling his heels in the calaboose. In 1932 he was engaged in street fighting, minority baiting and more beer hall entanglements. By the time of the winter games in 1936 rolled around Herr Hitler was far to engrossed in Lebensraum, Non-Aggression Mustache Pacts and plans to invade his neighbors to get his lip whiskers around a little snow and ice over in the Alps.
*Stalin, who according to Secret Police hatchet man Levrently Beria, was a shitty skier, was busy with purges and famines during those years which left him little time to pursue athletic venues.
“Democrats today are the party of the environmental lunatics, the transgender lunatics, the ones that think that we should be giving everything to foreign countries and not doing anything for our nation,”
– Senator Bernie Moreno, Republican of Ohio
MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED
(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs were not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in historically problematic ski towns say experts.
This problem is often exacerbated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity, it seriously limits food architecture. These structural implications amid the pressures of the accepted pecking order could breakdown positive barriers and leave food cold.
The cost of certification is $350 per year (upgrades include Wyoming and Utah for an extra $50). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 300.
“We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.
“We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.
They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties.
– Wolfgang Putz
Stacking Wood For Spring Still Requires Building Permit
(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the this spring first you must acquire a building permit from the appropriate gov’ment entity. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.
Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.
Although thought to be extreme by some, the new litigation should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of intensive beer drinking at the ball further clouded the public appraisal.
The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before Memorial Day, according to a source there.
“At least we’re the ones they show on TV interviews, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one council member.
The weekly council meetings are shown on closed circuit TV every Monday night following I Love Lucy.
Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, local politcos, bruised by recent local labor strife, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.
Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there could be indicted for disturbing the peace unless they are doing it according to pre-approved exercise regimens.
– Rocky Flats
