CRESTEDPOLITAN MAGAZINE

M. Toole | Mar 05, 2026 | Comments 0

GO FAX YOURSELF A NEW ROMANCE

If it doesn’t make you jealous enough to know that all your friends are shacking up with Mr. Right while you’re giving the cat a bath on Saturday night, be informed that they’re setting up their lust sessions with a Fax machine. Believe it, sister! Want to screen those potential bedmates without embarrassment, mainstream commitment or potential stalking? It’s the safe and easy way to get through the preliminaries and into the sack!

The first thing to do is secure a safe Fax network, one free of bothersome old boyfriends and unacceptable suitors. Don’t use the one down at the office. The best idea here is to buy your own and insure privacy. They cost about $100 plus paper.

Keep in mind that photographs are never enhanced on a Fax so don’t be overly concerned if your potential lover looks like a prune or a young executive suffering from yellow fever or the scurvy.

Keep the phone lines open to send and receive the right message. Sometimes men can be slow to respond and it’s probably a good idea to include a deadline or some sort of shelf life for your proposal to be answered. Don’t be shy. It’s the Nineties and women can get away with a little aggression. It’s better than a movie with the girls!

Whether this approach to love in modern times works or not is up to you. Remember: There’s no limit as to the amount of bait used. Try soaking your initial Fax in perfume or leave a little lipstick at the bottom of the page. Men are generally stupid so be direct. It’s better than hanging out in front of the grocery or trolling Elk Avenue even with lower gasoline prices. Good luck, you fox.

RID YOURSELF OF FLAKES AND BUMP DATES

It’s close quarters here in Crested Butte. One date with a geek and you’ll probably run into same four or five times on the way to the lifts or end up waiting on him at a local restaurant. This situation calls for extreme measures. YOU COULD MOVE TO BOULDER OR…

HOW TO DUMP A DUD DATE: There are lots of ways to shorten an unpleasant experience but it could take more savvy than shortening that little black dress of yours. Popular ways to can a boring companion include drownings (Blue Mesa and Peanut Lake are the perfect locale) dumping off cliffs (Upper Gothic Road, Ohio Pass and even Quirky Kebler work great for the impulsive push or calculated shove). The idea here is to do a clean job before anyone gets wind of your dissatisfaction. Don’t wait around to be annoyed by nasal phone messages and love letters chucked full of misspellings and invitations to an intimate dinner at the sewage treatment plant. TIP: Don’t drive drunk or park too long on Elk Avenue or the local marshal’s office will get wind of your behavior and may investigate.

AVALANCHE DANGERS TOUGH ON MAKE-UP

Every spring we mountain folk must brace ourselves for an unusually brutal does of late winter. Funny, but nobody remembers last April’s dump when the sun hits the snow in March. Be prepared for wet snow and dry air by covering up with any one of an assortment of creams and lotions especially made for dry skin. AND IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE THIS MONTH avoid avalanche regions and other unstable social situations. It’s your skin and your hide is stuck to it, baby.

While we’re on the subject of falling ice and snow and natural disasters keep in mind that March is a great time to move in with your lover (since he’ll probably be moving back to Moline in April). Just keep in mind that men are fools and must be manipulated daily. TIPS: 1.) Don’t cook dinner for him after you are co-habitating since he’ll grow to expect it. 2.) Train him to keep the seat down. 3.) The dog you loved before the merger belongs outside. 4.) When his mother calls tell her you’re the maid or just a friend. Don’t admit to anything. 5.) Inhabit a place with at least two bathrooms. 6.) Decide just who buys what for the household: For example if he buys the light bulbs, you buy the toilet paper. 7.) If he comes down with a cold get a hotel room for the week. 8.) Losing pounds while he gorges himself on mashed potatoes, ice cream and beer is not likely. Try to put him on a diet and reward him with your affections when he skips a snack. 9.) Flirt with the pizza deliver guy only if your lover is within earshot. 10.) Fill in your best advice and take it to the bank. Common sense be damned here…Let’s get nasty!