Author Archive for M. Toole

California Seeks Permission To Flood Ridgway

The state of California has petitioned the US Bureau of Reclamation to add significant height to the Ridgway Dam, which lies just north and, potentially downstream of the apparently soon to be submerged Town of Ridgway.

According to a fictional permit application made up entirely by us, the purpose of the additional water storage and associated pipeline would “primarily be to create much needed jobs in Ouray County, and only very secondarily, to provide water for two new subdivisions north of Temecula, California, and a bottled water plant currently under construction nearby, thereby creating even more jobs.”

A conflicted and confused Ouray County official has endorsed the plan as a “win-win” opportunity.  In a hastily prepared statement that continued way beyond where it should have, said confused and conflicted public official stated,

“Under this well conceived and very expensively bound plan, the down-trodden and at risk people of Temecula, California will be empowered to share our sparkly clean Rocky Mountain spring water, in BHP- free eco-friendly plastic bottles, not in nasty lead pipes. That part is just a compassionate no-brainier.  Here at home, our ever popular and picturesque village of Ouray gains a new recreational tourist resource, as the shores of Ridgway reservoir slowly fill right up to the newly constructed decks and kids fishing areas along the Boardwalk Shops at Ouray Brewing.”

This same public official closed by offering the statesmanlike and forward-looking thought problem, “What’s not to like?”

Apparently that comment, and parts of the proposal to raise the Ridgway Dam, have rankled some residents of the town of Ridgway, which allegedly lies between the proposed new Ouray shores commercial zone and the Dam itself. Claiming to be able to put two and two together, more than five people have alleged that the town of Ridgway may be flooded entirely and forever under several, if not all proposed but inevitable action alternatives.

An enterprising downtown Ridgway merchant who wishes to remain unanimous, is preparing for a fight, not to mention a new revenue stream, by offering bumper stickers and tee shirts that say “Damn California instead” and “You can’t drink our beer underwater” and the deeply felt “Ridgway. More than just a place to pee.”

Ouray County Planning department officials could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing the land use office for an upstream relocate along the new Ouray Brewing Boardwalk.  Luckily for democracy and economic growth, leaking documents reveal that any potential downside of flooding the Town of Ridgway will be offset by the project proponent through bribes and construction of a four-lane really smooth bridge across the reservoir providing improved access to Telluride.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, SJH has found that not many people in Ridgway actually care if the town is flooded. Many town residents have accepted the early-adopter enhanced compensation package offered by the joint State of California – Nestlé partnership and are already enjoying their complementary new BBQ set and beach umbrellas. In a stunning show of insight, the Nestlé marketing team calculated that the Town of Ridgway inspires not much loyalty and would be easily thrown under the bus, or in this case, under the new Ouray Lady of the Lake Steamboat Casino, in exchange for a few shiny bangles. Done deal.

– Lina Baquerre

Cuba wants to use rum to repay debts

(Havana) The Cuban government has announced its aim to repay foreign debtors with it’s famous rums. (Name a few here) have been earmarked as the finest for export to countries who have helped the island nation weather he storm of economic embargo.

Russia and China are already on board with the Czech Republic, Vietnam and an assortment of South American countries showing interest in the plan. Other say “maybe…but what kind?”

A wide range of quality of rum exists in Cuba from gourmet to low-end. The rate of exchange and how the rum would be shipped were not clear however the architects of the exchange appear certain that the deal will go through, allowing everyone to enjoy the national nectar.

“Everyone knows about Havana cigars,” said one official here. “But many don’t realize we produce the finest rums in the world. Soon we might even sell the beverage in Western countries who have supported to embargo, she said.

Lobbyists with several Puerto Rican rum distillers have filed a complaint with the United Nations and the OAS but no one has responded from those organizations leading watchdogs to believe them naive in the ways of international business.

“The rum is easily the best and we don’t really want to export it at all,” said the source alluding to the thirsty residents of the Caribbean locale. “It’s either the rum or coconuts which are perishable or Fifties vintage Chevrolets that are cumbersome and somewhat impractical anywhere else but here.”

– Jolly Pena

“They think we’re old and useless. They forget that we too have earned he right to live! So I say if we are going to die, my friend, let us die trying, not sitting” – Sa to Ch’idzigyaak after the two old women were left behind by their starving nomadic tribe in the Arctic.
– Two Old Women by Velma Wallis

House Republican Yard sale:

April 10 – May 31: Uncompahgre National Forest, Rio Grand National Forest, Gunnison National Forest (silent bidding only please) plus household goods, children’s swings, toys, transmission for 1958 Edsel, used bed sheets, washer and dryer. No sales before 9 am. No phone calls.

New Eastwood Film Shot in Gunnison

(Jack’s Cabin) An internationally acclaimed script about Siberian prison guards training here appears to be headed for the silver screen. Directed by Clint Eastwood, who, according to a Harris Poll, is the nation’s most popular movie star, the film chronicles the lives of several Russian soldiers who trained in the Gunnison Valley for winter military duty in Siberia.

The story begins prior to World War I with czarist prison guards bivouacked up Taylor Canyon on a frigid morning. It follows the strained relations of the Stalin years and ends up with a present day scenario featuring joint cooperation between former Cold War enemies.

“Running the gauntlet from back in the early Nineteenth Century,” synopsized Eastwood, “we watch as clean-shaven, godless Red Slavic hordes are transformed into clean-shaven, red-blooded anti-terrorist contingents secretly linked to NATO. It has all the elements of another blockbuster.”

When surveyed most Gunnison residents were not sure if the film was based on fact or simply a fictitious account.

“It will beat the hell out of watching the weather reports,” said one chilly well digger who lives in Antelope Hills.

“I’d go to more movies in the winter but it’s too cold to leave the house,” said another resident who sells ice.

Although admittedly far fetched the movie does offer a human side when former Soviet Naval forces, sent to Miami for rest and recuperation, riot when told they won’t be returning to Gunnison for two weeks. This scene is reminiscent of clips from Doctor Shiva showing disgruntled Russian soldiers returning home from the front in 1916.

-Small Mouth Bess

Back to the mountains soon

…but I’ll miss days on the beach in Vietnam

Climate change skeptics eaten by migrating polar bear

(Bangor, ME) A contingent of oil and gas executives, attending a rustic retreat at the prestigious Horseshoe Lodge in northern Maine, was last night attacked and eaten by marauding polar bears headed south to eat.

Due ridiculously warm temperatures in the Arctic the traditional menu for the giant white bears has diminished causing the migration. Polar bear are known to prefer younger prey since the meat is known to be more tender.

Let’s take a hypothetical control group, like the US House of Representatives, where denial for profits is the game. Are these fossil fuel legislators at risk too or was the recent Down Eastern carnage simply a coincidence?

“We don’t see a lot of polar bears around here,” said Ed Perkins, of nearby Beartown Falls. “The idea of the white monsters targeting climate change deniers seems a little far fetched even for us.”

Tourism has always been sketch here and civic leaders are playing down the polar bear incident.

“Those weren’t polar bear. They were Canadian liberals dressed up like polar bears,” one said.

By evening the bears were still on the loose. Law enforcement has been beefed up and, although nobody seems all that interested in meeting a bear up close. State animal authorities are armed with riot gear, tanks canon and a blueprint which calls for the cornering of the bruin intruders somewhere near the Canadian border.

“We don’t now how many polar bear are migrating, if they are organized or acting alone, as predictable instinct dictates,” said a local deputy. “We are attempting to determine where they will strike next so we can intercept them before further damage occurs.”

The diet of polar bears includes seal, walrus and fish. People have entered the food chain since they move slow and generate a lot of garbage that serves as a tasty appetizer when not frozen.

“If the bears eat everyone in the United States we will just have to pack it in and start over,” said another unreliable source.

– Fred Zeppelin

“China, India, entire subcontinents could be subdued with less firepower than it took to keep the Irish in place.” – The Eternal Irishman…