Author Archive for M. Toole
Movies of note-A quick review
Ratings *****Worth the investment ****Better than TV
***Still waiting for the book**Great time to nod off *Utter crap
GIRL WITH THE DULL EARRING – Severe indictment of Dutch society, hair styles and ear piercing techniques in the 16th Century. Attempts at eroticism fall short due to extremely unattractive characters. Everyone appears constipated or just downright mean. Costumes are the only saving grace in this costume drama.**
DODGEBALL – A ribald documentary which presents US Mideast policy in a good light. Lots of graphic flag waving and mindless jingoism alone make the film worth the admission price. Warning: If you are offended by your own nudity this movie may not be for you.***
HARRY POTTER: PRISONER OF AZKABAN – Potter goes to Iraq, is captured by militants and forced to memorize the Koran. Co-stars Cat Stevens as Iran.
KILL BILL – Former President destroys any chance at literary posterity (cash up front) by this lousy best-selling autobiography. Soon-to-be-released film is on the level of The Terminal which is slightly worse than Girl With the Dull Earring and Raising Rummy. Did this guy really go to Oxford?*
GARFIELD – Cartoon version of the short administration of President James A. Garfield. High water marks, such as his marriage to Lucretia Rudolph computer generated. Splendid impersonations and voice overs of Chester A. Arthur by cat-like Bill Murray.***
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (The sequel) – Humans are urged to leave earth. “It’s too dangerous! We can no longer protect you!” say Shrek-like storm troopers. Examines frightening elements of a not too futuristic planet including North American bus travel and the depleted gene pool.****
THE STEPFORD DIVES – Diva robots sling oil drinks in dark, Kuwaiti daytime bar rooms while their control freak emir husbands lap it all up. Many humorous asides from Mr. Boston Bartender’s Guide. How many times will thus worn-out theme survive the cutting room morgue? Almost enough to make one want to go to work.**
Horseshoe Stock Skyrockets in Forth Quarter
The average share of stock in San Juan Horseshoe, Ltd. is up a rousing 17 1/4 from the previous period it was announced today. This cumulative gain leaves the hated scandal sheet 15th in net gains and 5th in overall volume through November. Investors have even allowed maverick publisher Kashmir Horseshoe to purchase badly needed office supplies, including an alarm clock and a pencil sharpener as a result of the recent gains. Here are the quotes in a nutshell:
NYSE LEADERS BY VOLUME
Company Sales cls chg
IBM 2,192,400 36 1/4 +3 1/4
American T&T 1,652,200 134 1/2 +1 1/2
ITT Corp. 1,605,876 21 1/2 +1 1/4
Citicorp 1,590,800 44 +1 1/4
SJ Horseshoe 1,500,005 13 +19 1/4
Wstgh El 1,235,005 39 1/4 -3 1/4
Goodyear 1,180,050 24 1/4 -1/2
Phillip Pts 960,000 28 1/2 +1 1/4
Hamm Pape 900,500 34 1/2 +1/4
Fed Nat Mtg 895,700 45 +2 1/4
For related article see
“Newsprint Drops on Spot Commodity Market:
Page 116
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE:
Dirt Bag Law Taken to Cleaners by Council
Overdue Spruce-Up Crosses Partisan Lines
in “All the News”
Fast food found to kill pine beetles in laboratory
Major Breakthrough Leave Doubters in its Wake
In “Your Immediate Health”
Price of ladders, scaffolding skyrockets in Mexico
Carpenters, Hoarders Drive Up the Cost Of Travel
In “The Trades”
Marxists Remember Groucho
Posthumous Honor Bestowed With Fanfare
In “The Arts and Some”
Hitler’s favorite stand up comedian passes
Schadenfreude Dealt Weighty Blow
In “Looking Back”
Math Corner:
How many tortillas would $21.6 billion*
buy for starving children in Mexico?
*estimates for building Trump’s wall
In “Breaking Science”
And you have the cajones to ask:
What’s all this to-do about yoga pants?
“Abandon dope all ye who enter here.” – sign at any one of Colorado airports, with apologies to Dante.
Tsunami Gets Best of Scribe
(Okinawa) A visiting dignitary was badly beaten while swimming amid the exotic Ryukyu Islands according to a report filed this morning. Melvin Toole, the governor pro tem of Palau Island, was recovered hours later in the nets of a local fishermen who plans to sue everyone remotely involved in the incident.
Toole, who claims royal lineage dating back to the Sumerian pirates who once roamed these shores, is the author of Seeing the World From the Bottom of the Sea. His book chronicles adventures experienced while in the Portuguese submarine service during the Falkland Wars.
Legally referred to as Melvin DeRiviera Dot Com Toolini the almost knighted carbuncle, reportedly lost his monogrammed umbrella to the storm. At press time it has not been recovered.
