Author Archive for M. Toole

The Ant, the Grasshopper…

and the Bar Fly

     So, this guy comes into a bar…actually the two of them had been lounging for most of the afternoon flexing what was left of their pale muscles, pumping wisdom like a tired old well about to call it a lifetime. Both were heavy into self-absorbed. But swashbuckling tomcats like Don Juan were light on scrutiny preferring the other side of the looking glass to the mirror.

     These were very important men. Don Juan had an opinion on everything which he shared with the less fortunate like Candy, his shell-shocked drinking buddy who had eager ears but little as backup. 

     “Yeah, I’ve damn well got her made,” started Don Juan. “Got my bank roll, my trailer house is paid for, and my pickup is runnin’ great.”

     He turned his neck ever so slightly and caught a glimpse of Candy who looked like he was trying to crawl into his cloudy pilsner glass.

     “For crying out loud, man, sit up straight,” he cuffed. “Look at your body language. It says everything about you. It tips your hand.”

     Candy looked at his body. He didn’t see or hear anything but he came to attention anyway following a pattern that had begun early on. Candy was there as a human reaction, to do as he was told. He was all but transparent because it had become easier that way.

     “Look at this,” said Don Juan, scanning the local gazette as he reached for his beer. “They sent a probe to Mars but it blew up when it got close. Idiots! I wonder how much that cost. I pay taxes and I’m damn sick and tired of the government shooting off space ships like they were butterflies.”

     Don Juan thought about what he had just said and smiled at his linguistic flair.

     “I don’t like bugs,” said Candy, “especially flying ones.”

     Don Juan continued to read the paper; his glasses fallen down around his cantaloupe nose. To him the expression on his face while reading was far more important than any information extracted from the experience. He wore a somber frown accentuated by hush puppies and a cap that read Cheyenne Frontier Days.

     “Winter’s comin’,” he soapboxed. “Look here. It snowed three feet in Duluth just yesterday. I’m glad I’m ready…got my wood all in and new mud and snows on the Power Wagon. How ’bout you?”

     Candy looked into the bar mirror. He had a propane heater in his small apartment that was paid for by the Veteran’s Administration because of the war. He didn’t drive and the last time he tried to can a batch of tomatoes, given to him by his sister over in Delta, he’d almost blown up the place. How could Candy prepare for winter? One season just plowed into another.

     “Oh, I’m fine,” he choked with an uncertain voice, all but drowned out by the television.

     “Fine, huh?” barked Don Juan. “Just like last year when you never got around to taping your windows and your pipes froze. Then you had to sleep on my couch for the whole month of January. You’re like the man who had a forest of firewood at his fingertips but forgot to discover fire.”

     Don Juan was on a roll.

     “Security doesn’t just wander up into your yard,” he preached. “You gotta go get it. Whether it’s financial, social or romantic there’s a brawl going on and you just as well join in right away. Lead with your left, boy!”

     He slapped Candy hard on the back. The tiny toothless aperture just under his road map nose was not to be stopped now.

     “Take money, for instance,” he continued. “I worked for thirty-five years to get me a nest egg and now I’m gonna enjoy it. I got stocks and bonds, 40 acres up on the Plateau, a great retirement, CDs, credit cards, a fat bank account and even some of them annuities. Everything I got is paid for and I don’t have any kids to leave nothin’ to.”

     Candy stared into his empty glass. Don Juan ordered two more beers and companion shots. He had a captive audience and the four dollars was a well spent investment to keep it that way.

     “You might as well spend it all,” quipped Candy breaking into a smile.

     “Hell, we might just do that this afternoon,” smiled Don Juan who continued to peruse the paper. He was a man smart enough to do two things at once.

     “Yeah, you got to be ready for winter around these parts,” he said glancing in the direction of his doleful disciple who smelled like an empty case of Pabst. “You still got time and maybe I’ll even lend a hand but first let me tell you a story. I know you don’t like bugs but it’s called The Ants and the Grasshopper. It’s by some fella named Aesop. He was a Greek a long time ago.”

     Candy perked up. “That’s a funny sounding name,” he mumbled.

     Maybe you’ll get the connection here. You’ve got to have your affairs in order. You never know when your card will come up. What would you do in an emergency? What do you have to fall back on?”

     Don Juan went on to tell Candy the story of the industrious ants and the lazy grasshopper. Despite the fact that Candy did not like bugs he listened intently. Don Juan told him about the ants drying grain on a fine winter’s day. The grain had been collected over long, hard days throughout the summer months.

     “Then along comes this grasshopper, half starved, begging for a handout,” he explained. “One of the ants asked him why he had not stored up any food during the summer. He says he had not leisure time enough and that he had passed the days singing. The ants scorned him saying that if he had been foolish enough to sing away the summer then he must dance supperless to bed in the winter.”

     Don Juan waited for a response.

     “Mean little bastards,” said Candy.

     “You miss the point,” said Don Juan. “The ants worked at getting their ducks in a row while the grasshopper wasted his time. It’s just like you and me,” he added. “I’m the ant and you’re the grasshopper. My house in order while your roof is caving in.”

     Suddenly Don Juan clutched his chest, executing a poignant plunge from his prosaic perch at the bar. A swan dive in a dive. He hit the floor hard, his satellite brew crashing beside him. He was a goner.

     At the funeral a lot of people that Candy had never seen talked about what a great man Don Juan had been. They said he had grit. They said he had enjoyed a full life. They said he’d be missed. What they were really doing was a little preheat jockeying for position with regards to his assets, which ended up going to an uncle and aunt Don Juan had never liked.

     Meanwhile Candy wandered home and spent the rest of the day putting up visquine over the peewee windows of his ratty chamber. Was there no end to the chores? Don Juan’s old pickup sat propped in the driveway, a gift from the counterfeit relatives who didn’t want to haul the thing back to Salida. Now he would have to put gas in it. How would he ever get around to that.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Rogue Herefords Turn on Rancher

(Ridgway) Dozens of renegade cows have turned on their master causing non-life threatening injuries and sending a frightening message to other ranchers in the region. The uprising, said to have been in the making since July, reportedly stems from long undressed grievances on the part of the herd, who say they are manipulated and do not share in profits from agricultural operations.

“He’s pretty shook up,” said a neighbor of Merv Ditchwater, who ranches up Cow Creek. He trusted them cows.”

Authorities expressed concern that the assault might be connected to international terrorism or to Mooists operating in remote parts of Asia. Both have threatened stepped up action with regard to alleged abuses in the cattle industry.

“Up till now we haven’t seen any similar activities on the part of goats and chickens,” said an Interior Department Official. “The horses are loyal, the pigs are in clover, the ducks are ducky…but we’re monitoring the sheep.”

Animal behaviorists contend that radical Woolyists, hiding among the confines of local sheep herds could try something as early as next week. The blame radicals and dry conditions for militancy within these generally docile ranks.

“You look at a bunch of grazing cattle and you see peace and pastoral bliss,” said Ditchwater from his hospital bed. “That’s what I thought too. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been there and seen the anger, the brutality. I’ve had enough. I’m moving to Denver and getting a gov’ment job.”

Intercepted codes reportedly originating within banned sacred cow networks suggest that this is only the beginning.

“As of 8:35 this morning we have broken the code,” said the Interior official. It’s “AND THE COW’S IN THE CORN but beyond that we don’t have a clue.”

The official said he’s not worried since his agency has a bottomless operating budget and will continue to “push the envelope until the cows come home.” 

Consumer groups and drugstore vegetarians expressed concern that the gov’ment will take advantage of these troubles to further tighten the noose on personal liberties within the cattle population.

“Before long you won’t see a cow grazing without security personnel on duty. X-ray machines, loyalty oaths and expired visas will be a thing of the past,” said the source. “They might even have to take off their shoes at the airport or surrender their toothpaste.”

The ringleader of the attack is thought to be registered breeding bull from the provinces who goes by several aliases including T-Bone Gaza, which is the name on his student visa from cow school.

Citizens are asked to report anything suspicious in the pasture. Wanted posters, featuring a photo of Gaza, are expected to be on display in local post offices before long. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Supreme Quart Bans Evolution

(Washington) The newly reorganized Supreme Quart has voted unanimously to ban the theory of evolution within the borders of the United States. The move which not only negates evolution as an explanation for existence also bans its teaching and application.

“We will no longer evolve,” said one justice, “but rather follow the simpler story of creation in our daily lives. Anyone who refuses to get in line will face strict penalties.”

When asked about the sacred separation of church and state as defined by the Constitution the black-robed judges called for an immediate recess to study the document.

Many recent Trump appointees have lobbied for the passage of this measure since 911 saying that the country did not need evolution and that it confused their constituency. They mean to enforce their philosophy in both public and private much like “them mullahs do in Iran”.

“The nation has not noticeably evolved since 1990 and these people are, by evil design, continuing that flow,” said critics who promised to fight the decision. Citing a fast-food eating consumer populace “too fat to fight” they conceded that their struggle would not be an easy one.

“We are drifting along somewhere between the Spanish Inquisition and the Dark Ages,” said one Congressman, “and that can’t be fun for anyone.”

In other business the justices have moved to outlaw cartoons in that they are seen as making fun of the President and his cabinet. The Quart then rubber stamped a request on the part of the White House to ship Mike Pence to the Philadelphia Phillies despite league restrictions and trade deadlines.

– Suzie Compost

Last Leper Colony Closes Doors

(Wildhorse Creek) The last known leper colony in Colorado closed today due to a disappearing clientele and conflicts with local logging interests. Actually there were no lepers living there. A short ceremony was conducted without incident and the place was then abandoned.

This community of people suffering from the disease called leprosy was founded in 1843 buy Guy Ultimathule, a Norse seaman who contacted the disease himself in 1840. For almost 50 years the leper colony thrived despite the inability to grow much food. Water and game, however, were plentiful and the lepers were not particularly concerned with the scurvy.

Then in 1893 some of the more industrious lepers struck gold in their little leper fountain in the town plaza. They were rich and, in light of their close-knit society, so was everyone else in town. From about 1900 the lepers had been living a life nothing short of pomposity, their lavish lifestyle delving into the stark, lower reaches of narcissism. 

Most people in the surrounding communities were never aware of  the leper stronghold.  In recent decades the only contact was by beer truck drivers dropping off kegs of beer, Thursdays and Saturdays since 1953.

The colony was nominated as an historic place by the Colorado Preservation Society in 2007.     

WESTERN COLORADO FROM A – Z

A primer for visitors and residents who may have missed something

by Uncle Pahgre

Armadillo – a.) one of the few organisms not found in gaping chuckholes on Colorado highways. b.) not a city on I-40 on the way to Plano. 

Buffalo (Golden) – a. A football team that, despite drafting prospects from Southern California will never beat Nebraska. b.) curious mascot of a team that people in Western Colorado hope will do well even though most resent Boulder.

Cannibal – in Lake City aka Alferd Packer, the man who allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County in 1874. History tells it that the tragedy was a result of desperation near Slumgullion Pass but it just as well could have resulted from Packer’s sticker shock at the price of Western Slope groceries.

DOW – The Division of Wildlife. Custodians of our furry friends. You can tell one of these from the bears because they wear baseball caps. Even though they may spend a good portion of the day out in the woods they still have a behind-the-desk approach. These people actually believe public land is better under federal protection. See Logging and the USFS.

Exotic – Disneyland to someone who’s never been out of Mesa County. Mesa Mall to someone who has never been out of Craig.

Flatlanders – People who live at lower elevation and visit Colorado to buy a second home thus driving real estate prices through the ceiling. People who video cam mountains even though the latter don’t generally provide movement of any kind.

Guns – What every person in Western Colorado stockpiles thinking it will hold off federal helicopters, bears or an angry neighbor.

Hemp – After a well educated electorate, what the feds fear the most, for no clear reason. A universal fabric that could save many natural resources by application. 

Indian – a.) Feathered character often called savage by the enlightened manifest destiny folks of 19th Century b.) natives of India. c.) persons providing target practice for drugstore cowpokes on Saturday morning TV in the 50s. 

Jackass – a.) a useful, yet stubborn, methodical, cantankerous pack animal  b.) Person who exhibits a similar behavior to the animal minus the ability to carry his own weight.

Kryptonite – The mineral common to Red Lady Mountain in Crested Butte. Used in the production of mountain bikes, the rare ingredient is the treasure to be mined by the evil monster, Amax.

Lynx – a relative of the bobcat this beautiful wild animal has been hunted to near extinction due to its practice of killing and eating ugly sheep and chickens. See The Missing Lynx..

Mariachi – a.) a type of music originating from Spain, then Mexico. b.) the type of music often generated from low riders (See Espanola) c.) the kind of music the late Botsie Spritzer played in his fishing wagon when he couldn’t find his polka tapes.

Naked – a.) How one comes into this world and, unless tampered with by an obsessive valet of sorts, how one will g out. b.) the sinful and immoral display of the human body without the benefit of clothing c.) how mule deer go to work each day.

Ohio – a.) a place where a lot of early Gunnison County pioneers came from as evidenced by the presence of Ohio Creek, Ohio Pass, Ohio City on local maps. b.) a reasonably good place to be from. c.) in a spelling bee the easiest challenge compared to Allegheny and Monongahela.

Pea Green – a.) the fiscal and religious center of the American Dream, located near Hoover’s Corner. b.) a medical disorder common to sailors attempting to ward off the scurvy by consuming a gross quantity of limes.

Quartsite – a.) a 19th century mining town/district claiming 10,000 residents at its height (prior to cable TV). b.) a lot on which to build a Quarthouse. c.) a fictitious tent city Shangri-La created by the Colorado Historical Society to lure summer tourists into the state.

Railroad – a.) Once the pride of Western Colorado now all but gone from the landscape. Clear thinking residents agree that reconstruction would solve a host of mass transportation problems, alleviate road maintenance costs and decrease drunk driving infractions. b.) the preferred mode of subsidized transportation in most civilized nations.

Slow Elk – a.) a bovine, something easy to shoot at. b.) a pasture potato that resembles cattle.

Tree – the major component of waferboard, one of man’s necessities. 

Uncompahgre – a.) the most mispronounced word (by visitors) until Saguache was invented in 1877. b.) a bastardization of what Tonto called the Lone Ranger.

Venison – a rude and insensitive term for deer no longer on-the-hoof. 

Water – a.) traditionally the major issue to residents on the west side of the Maginot Line (Continental Divide). Newcomers seem to think that it just runs through the fosset while Front Range interests think its something with which to flush their state-of-the-art toilets in Aurora and Colorado Springs. b.) the wet stuff in lakes and rivers. c.) a clear, colorless, nearly odorless and tasteless liquid unless one seeks a drink from an urban water supply wherein it becomes a putrid bit of semi-refreshment. d.) proverbially the stuff that one can lead a horse to but cannot make the animal drink.

Xylophone – a musical instrument not common to polka or bluegrass music. Better than relying on Xerxes or Xerox to get to the next letter. An easy one if this article were in Chinese.

Yampa – a.) a Northern Ute band who didn’t take kindly to preachers plowing up local race tracks and introducing farming. Joseph Meeker’s short term clients. b.) a major landmark in downtown Sunbeam, Colorado. 

Zaminsky – (Charlotte) a girl with whom Walt Swetkoff went to grammar school in New Jersey. It is a name he cannot forget. She was kinda cute back then but, according to Swetkoff, it’s tough to say what she looks like now.

– Melvin O’Toole 

FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING

(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode. 

ALL THE TEA IN CHINA –  A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai noodle shops and satellite installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.

COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of kale.

GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in suburban Columbus, Ohio.

JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running much better after the new seat covers were installed. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.

WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve and Eyelash Cement. 

THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District, Cynthia hears from Dave and the price of vermouth skyrockets.

HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s edible cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate. Smuggler Mine lays out an outlandish spread in an attempt to come to common ground with the United Mine Workers union.

ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 102nd birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off warmed champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.

SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the entire Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy accounting department  for lunch.