Author Archive for M. Toole

Reformed smoker lights nose on fire

(Ridgway) A Log Hill resident is in stable condition today at St. Roscoe’s Hospital after reportedly lighting his nose on fire. The action, which took place on Wednesday morning while the victim was still half asleep, has been attributed to robotic behavior left over from many years of cigar smoking.

Melvin Jackhammer who, after ten years sans tobacco admits to still craving a smoke every so often, apparently lit the end of his nose mistaking it for a Nicaraguan cheroot in the early morning hours. At first only his nose hairs were ignited but it then became clear that his entire snout was ablaze encompassing the frontal sinuses and threatening the Pharyngeal Tonsil and even the little appreciated Eustachian Tube. 

Medical sources hint that this type of behavior is a result not of addiction to a substance but rather a psychological reliance on familiar repeated action associated with the practice of puffing.

“What a buzz!” yelped Jackhammer, as paramedics hauled him off. “I hated to create such a fuss over one nose but it could have happened to anyone. I just hope my sense of smell comes back.”

Jackhammer is expected to undergo simple plastic surgery to rebuild the affected cavity in the morning.

This the first smoker-related injury in the county since 1968 when a Cahone woman, visiting Cookie Tree Ranch, attempted to light up next to a propane tank causing a massive blast that set an out building and surrounding fields on fire. Although she survived the experience she suffered minor burns in addition to the loss some 60% of her body hair. Despite the harrowing to-do she still pounds two packs a day and at 96 has no plans to change her habits.

“That woman was nothing but sage trash,” said a neighbor who recalled the event. “She had no shame. Why she even wrote a book about it. Fortunately it was never made into a movie.”

– Mongo Congo

BLM to construct new wilderness area

Local Events As We Imagine Them

(Denver) A spokesman for the Bureau of Land Management announced today that it would begin work on a multi-million dollar wilderness area just west of the town of Almont before the sun goes down this afternoon.

Like Jack Flash Officials appeared out of thin air, recruiting trees, rocks, deer, elk, bear, lion, marmots, coyote, trout, eagles, hawks and mountain goats for their new backwoods boondocks. They expect to have an indigenous, well-trained, instinctive staff installed by next summer.

This is the second man-made designer wilderness area to be implemented in Western Colorado since the Rockies were a contender. Readers will recall the petti tieux-dieux over the revamping of pastureland in Montrose back in the late Nineties, when the former paradise took on the demeanor of Arvada. The shopping zone is now ranked third in the At Risk Urban Wilderness Places register, according to an impressive academic paper “What if Allah is Nuts Too?” published by the Disappointment Valley Optimists last November.

Almont residents expressed concern over the expected influx of migrant workers who are reportedly headed this way following the announcement of the project. 

Newly endorsed Almont Building Inspector Mel Boardfoote-Toole, spent most of last night examining newly poured foundations with a flashlight before driving his 1938 Henway across the river and through the woods and into a large woodpile discarded by fishermen somewhere near the Enchanted Almont Triangle.

“I almost fell out after all that figuring but some space creatures woke me up just before I started flowing down toward Gunny,” winced Toole. “They said they were cruising to Pitkin County to perform “life-threatening surgeries on the mindless rich” according to the one who spoke tolerable English. 

Anyone involved in this project or this news account has until midnight Thursday to turn himself into the Tin Cup police and receive a full pardon, compliments of the local chamber of commerce. Vacillators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

– Gabby Haze

Lost: Jar of stupid pills. Name on label. Need for work on Monday. Patent pending. Antidote on order. Emily Sweetwater, Cannabis Grove.   

Millionaire Christians Meet

(Ridgway) The first ever meeting of the Christian Millionaires Club was held here last night attracting an assortment of the righteous who have managed to acquire vast sums of money and now seek to nail down their eternal salvation.

Among the subjects discussed was the purchase of Ridgway Town Park, the termination of local liquors licensing, sending out mass mailings, a whitewashing of the town’s historic church and what to do with people who refuse to embrace certain philosophies.

“If these pagan elements would simply open up to the bigger picture I’m sure they’d see the advantages of joining our cult,” said Charla Tinn a spokesman for the club. “We host hay rides, bonfires, book burnings and bring in lots of Christian talent. Let’s face it, we have all the money and will soon be having the only fun.”

Tinn, a former recreational drug enthusiast from Southern California, says she was saved on the street in Hollywood back in 1994. Thanks to a strong resolve and plenty of inherited family money she kicked heroin and found religion. She moved to Ridgway the next year.

“Our club is open to everyone…not just millionaires. Billionaires too are welcome to our ministry as is anyone with a missionary commitment, just so long as they can pay their dues.”

Tinn went on to say that her membership saw no conflict in supporting Israel and adhering to the Christian way of life.

“It’s either us or them,” she waffled. “Didn’t you ever read the Old Testament. I’ve got it here on Univision in my Lexus.”

Following the meeting a reporter asked whether the late prophet Jesus Christ, the man whose philosophies the group claims to follow, could afford membership in their elite group.

 “He probably could have joined but he kept giving away all his cash. Maybe we could have found him a sponsor among our multitudes.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Low Riders prohibidos por Engineer

(Ouray) Las personas que operan vehículos de pasajeros bajos, amortiguadores hidráulicos, woodies de la era espacial, vehículos recreativos y Humvees rotos han sido prohibidos en Engineer Pass debido a consideraciones de espacio libre. El paso, conocido por los profundos barrancos y los montículos de pizarra, es un desafío para los vehículos todo terreno.

Según el Servicio Forestal y el Departamento de Transporte, los vehículos de la calle no tienen por qué atravesar curvas cerradas y manipular pendientes pronunciadas que se encuentran en Engineer. Ambos dicen que se pueden emplear matemáticas simples para determinar la tasa de éxito en la negociación del pase.

Además de los peligros de la altura, muchos de estos vehículos prohibidos simplemente no tienen el par para llegar a la cima.

Los funcionarios del condado de Hinsdale aún tienen que decidir qué, si se debe tomar alguna medida, en su lado del paso. Muchos sienten que si los conductores del interior del país llegan a la cima, no deberían tener restricciones en el descenso. Recuerdan a todos los conductores que revisen sus frenos antes de comenzar cuesta abajo. 

-Dolores Alegria

’98 class reunion canceled

(Gunnison) A reunion of the class of 1898 has been canceled since all potential participants are no longer among the living. After repeated attempts to contact persons believed to have attended Gunnison High School during that period the organizers have given up.

“All we had to go on was a tattered list and a few songs and myths that have survived over the decades,” said one exhausted volunteer. “Although they had a written language and a slew of newspapers back in those days the information we sought was remote at best.”

Persons who might have graduated in 1898 would most likely have been born around 1880 which would make them 140 years old today.

“We found a few people in their early 100s but nobody any older,” said the same source. “It was a good idea in concept but in reality it fell quite short of the goal.”

The group has now focused on creating a class reunion for persons attending Gunnison High School from 1940-1970.

“We’ve found lots of these people still kicking around and have talked to many about attending our function,” said the volunteer. “The 1898 reunion would have been rather slow anyway. Sure, people are living longer these days but we were pushing the issue.”

“Still as the moon at Sligo or mad as monkeys in Bahia, satire is a delicate blend of knowledge accrued mixed with whatever you can create from thin air.”   

– Uncle Pahgre, in Writing Stupid.

ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED

(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.

“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed-out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.

Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.

“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”

Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.