Author Archive for M. Toole

OBAMA CANONIZED

(Vatican) Despite explicit differences in matters of population control, Pope Francis has bestowed tentative sainthood on Barack Obama. It is the highest honor offered by the Roman Catholic Church

In a solemn ritual, the pontiff praised Obama as the first known Protestant to win the sacred accolade. The American President, who was awarded the Noble Peace Prize back in 2012, said, “I guess this is my year,” smiled Obama, “first the Presidency, then the Nobel…now sainthood. It’s beyond belief!”

Obama is expected to further confer with the Pope on the subject of infallibility and the Divine Right of Kings. Obama is a graduate of Harvard Law School. The Argentine Pope holds advanced degrees in Dark Ages History and the Spanish Inquisition.

Kudos flew as Obama praised the Pope in light of millions of solar collectors that blanket St Peter’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel.

Rumors flooding the city-state had indicated that the Pontiff would use the Obama visit to unveil a major cash giveaway but these hopes were dashed as Obama boarded Air Force One last night. He is expected back in Washington tomorrow to play 18 holes with the Dalai Lama.

Progressives within the Papal entourage had petitioned the Vatican treasury to share its billions of assets with poor constituents in Latin America.

“That’s still on the back burner,” said one Cardinal, “or whenever hell freezes over.”

In a related piece, the Pentagon today confirmed that the Vatican would purchase 4 F-16 fighter jets sometime before St Valentine’s Day.

“No, we don’t have any idea how the Vatican plans to employ the weapons,” said one Air Force representative. “But there are certain discretions that must be extended to a man with a lot of money in his hands.

– Dinty Moore

“King of the Blues” Interview Part XIV

“The Swan Song”

(Continued from Page 3)
Sunny: Like I said, I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Your roots reach deep into the Mississippi Delta, into the South Chicago scene, into Motown. That’s quite diverse.
Sunny: Yeah, man. I’m the king of the blues, baby, the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Our sources tell us that you’ve released over 50 records and CDs since the Forties.
Sunny: I’m the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You’ve been pickin and singin for over 70 years. Sooner or later you’re gona drop dead. How do you feel about the hereafter?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: After reviewing several of your songs it appears that you concentrate on simple, repetitious themes that could become annoying after a while.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: We see that you travel with a complete orchestra. Are all these members really necessary or do you just like to be extravagant?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: There are plenty of musicians, such as Muddy Waters, B.B. King, John Hurt, John Lee Hooker and others who might claim to be the king of the blues.
Sunny: But I am the king of the blues, baby.
Horseshoe: According to your agent you received that boom box as a gift from Yassar Arafat after a performance in Palestine.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: It’s really loud. Can you turn it down so we can talk some more?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: He also told us you were the tenth of eleven kids born to sharecroppers around the turn-of-the-century. How old are you anyway?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You don’t look that old.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: One would think that all the drinking and partying would take its toll on a fellow your age.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: The liner notes on your King of the Blues album say you’ve been married eight times and have fathered more than 40 children.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: What did you and all of those wives find to talk about.
Sunny: Ain’t you been listenin’? I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Read any good books lately?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Here, eat these guitar strings.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Nice day. You think it’ll rain this afternoon?
Sunny: It’s possible.
Continued on Page 34.

TV Takes Own Life

(Ridgway) A local television set has hurled itself off Ridgway Hill effectively terminating broadcasts and leaving one hell of a mess for road crews to clean up. The TV, which friends say was experiencing chronic depression over the quality of programming available, left no suicide note or will. Foul play has been ruled out

“It’s rare that we see household appliances go to such lengths,” said an investigating officer on the scene. “It’s sad and were sorry about the television too.”

According to llamas grazing near the point of departure the television worked its way to the edge of the hill then leaned over until it slipped off into Pleasant Valley. It said nothing but canned laughter was reportedly heard just before the jump.

“The little TV was trying to make a point,” said Elrone Rabbitears, a local media critic once jailed for threatening local news professionals in Bland Junction. “All that potential for information, art and entertainment and we have arrived at abrasive game shows and poorly concocted sit-coms aimed at the mentally inept. The only decent programs are on the Mexican Network but we still haven’t figured out what they’re saying.”

     A service for the dead TV will be held on Sunday preempting the Bronco game on local channels.

– Sergio Jingles

Employee Housing in Ouray

The beautiful Beaumont Hotel might provide temporary digs for the town’s many homeless workers according to unreliable sources here. Affordable housing and alternative lifestyles have clashed in the past and it’s nice to see different entities cooperating for the good of us all. Rooms start at $700 per night. No pets or hotplates please.

Elk Extend Contract Through ’35

(Lake City) Local Wapiti have agreed to what many here see as a lucrative contract, insuring continued interaction with humans through 2035. Whether this agreement will apply to the herds over Cinnamon Pass, near Silverton remains in issue due to stronger unions, the price of beef and sensitive highway clauses in San Juan County.

By endorsing the offer the elk agree to show up in meadows in the morning, bugle when appropriate and run from hunters in the fall. In return they will be allowed to roam mountain towns day or night and keep their racks in velvet for the summer.

The agreement will reportedly net the elk over $3.8 million over just less than two years, with bonuses and incentives.

In Silverton, local elk are still refusing to stay off the highways at night and remain unhappy with restrictions on endorsements put on them by the county. That, according to inside negotiators, is the hold-up.

“We need the elk so as to preserve a healthy eco-system,” said one local attorney representing the animals. “If Silverton does not comply what’s keeping the herds from relocating to Hinsdale County?”

He said nothing of burgeoning moose herds who refuse to do even the slightest amount of work around the region.

Meanwhile, Silverton has other fish to fry due to the continued absence of the proverbial ground hog from the scene. The hole dwelling rodent, who was supposed to make an appearance in early February is still nowhere to be seen.

“We think he must of frozen his arse off and could not make his appointment,” suggested some men over at the bar. “We’re all looking forward to February to see if he comes back.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

COLUMBINE FIELD TRIP NETS POLARITY

(Montrose) Students at Columbine Middle School have discovered the existence of what teachers think is the North Pole during a seasonal field trip on the Uncompahgre Plateau. Participants, collecting rocks for a school terrarium, stumbled across small stones containing an iron ore thought to be magnetite. 

“One end of the stone was obviously attracted by the earth’s north pole while the other end was attracted by the earth’s south pole. This is powerful medicine to say the least,” said one teacher.

Up until now most people believed that the North Pole was nothing more than the fictitious home of Santa Claus and that the South Pole was full of worthless penguins hanging out waiting to be eaten by polar bears or sharks. The remainder thought magnetic pull was a result of witchcraft.

“Last year all we got out of the annual filed trip was a field. This year we may be on our way to developing electromagnets,” said the teacher.

– Lora Borealis