OBAMA CANONIZED

(Vatican) Despite explicit differences in matters of population control, Pope Francis has bestowed tentative sainthood on Barack Obama. It is the highest honor offered by the Roman Catholic Church

In a solemn ritual, the pontiff praised Obama as the first known Protestant to win the sacred accolade. The American President, who was awarded the Noble Peace Prize back in 2012, said, “I guess this is my year,” smiled Obama, “first the Presidency, then the Nobel…now sainthood. It’s beyond belief!”

Obama is expected to further confer with the Pope on the subject of infallibility and the Divine Right of Kings. Obama is a graduate of Harvard Law School. The Argentine Pope holds advanced degrees in Dark Ages History and the Spanish Inquisition.

Kudos flew as Obama praised the Pope in light of millions of solar collectors that blanket St Peter’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel.

Rumors flooding the city-state had indicated that the Pontiff would use the Obama visit to unveil a major cash giveaway but these hopes were dashed as Obama boarded Air Force One last night. He is expected back in Washington tomorrow to play 18 holes with the Dalai Lama.

Progressives within the Papal entourage had petitioned the Vatican treasury to share its billions of assets with poor constituents in Latin America.

“That’s still on the back burner,” said one Cardinal, “or whenever hell freezes over.”

In a related piece, the Pentagon today confirmed that the Vatican would purchase 4 F-16 fighter jets sometime before St Valentine’s Day.

“No, we don’t have any idea how the Vatican plans to employ the weapons,” said one Air Force representative. “But there are certain discretions that must be extended to a man with a lot of money in his hands.

– Dinty Moore

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