Author Archive for M. Toole
Smoking Fines Confuse Court
JUDGE DECLARES MISTRIAL
(Montrose) For the man who lit up a marijuana cigarette at Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Saturday night it was good news. To the local factions intent on bringing public puffing to its knees it was a defeat.
At roughly eight o’clock, during the pre-bingo rush at Grady’s, local man Melvin Toole produced an illegal marijuana cigarette from his lapel pocket and fired it up. It took only moments for those nearby to realize it was not a Chesterfield. Some attempted to join in his reefer ritual while others were offended. Either way somebody called the cops.
The smoker then sat patiently puffing away glansing at his watch and making small talk. He then discarded the pot and lit a tobacco cigarette, and sipping his coffee began to read the menu. When police arrived he was arrested not for possession of marijuana but for breaking the city smoking ordinance.
When the big day arrived Toole chose to plead guilty on both counts and asked how he would be fined. The judge replied that there was no fine for possession of a joint while the fine for smoking a cigarette in public was $300. After consultation with the involved parties the judge declared a mistrial based on insufficient evidence and because Toole was his brother-in-law.
The entire courtroom then retired to the judge’s chambers and everyone, except the children of course, enjoyed a nice illegal Cuban cigar.
Now wasn’t that a stupid scenario. It says nothing and was not even well written. With all the real problems that exist in a community one would think the writer could find something more meaningful on which to expound. However, we suppose that, in defense of the article, some curious issues evolved:
1. Why is Grady’s so busy before the Saturday night bingo game? Is the food any good?
2. How can a substance be so illegal and yet so easy to acquire? Isn’t there a war on drugs going on?
3. What fine would you levy on the alleged perpetrator if you were the judge?
4. Was this whole thing some kind of civil disobedience conspiracy or is Toole just a moron? How much did it cost the taxpayer to haul Toole in to court?
5. What would Fidel Castro have thought of the ending, you know, the Cuban cigar part?
6. If parents shouldn’t have any more children than they can take care of, shouldn’t governments take on the same limitations when it comes to making laws? More laws lower crime like more children lower the telephone bill. Let’s call a moratorium on any new laws at least until we finish our cigars.
FOR A PRINTED TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EDITORIAL SEND $2 TO SAN JUAN HORSESHOE, 2100 TEENAGE SMOKING IN THE THIRD WORLD CIRCLE, OURAY, CO 81427
EL HOMBRE DEL KARMA EN LA CIUDAD OTRA VEZ
(Crested Butte) El muy difamado Karma Man volverá a estar dando vueltas por estas montañas durante el verano. A pesar de los intentos de algunos residentes de convencerlo de que circule en un radio más amplio, estará en las caras locales hasta septiembre. Los líderes cívicos y religiosos se han esforzado por determinar la fuente de sus increíbles poderes pero han fallado, lo que lleva a la comunidad científica a proyectar que sus actividades están sincronizadas con el flujo cósmico.
“Estuvo aquí el verano pasado y la gente inmediatamente comenzó a cosechar lo que había sembrado”, dijo un sabio local. “Es un espectáculo realmente hermoso de contemplar, a menos que, por supuesto, seas una de las personas que ha estado tomando largas tiradas contra el banco de la moralidad.
“Este personaje de Karma Man no tiene que hacer mucho”, continuó. “Nosotros mismos lo hacemos todo. Él es solo la vía de entrega, el medio de intercambio en el mercado de valores del destino”.
Aunque nada está grabado en piedra, el horario tentativo del tipo Karma es el siguiente:
Crested Butte: del 10 al 20 de julio; Gunnison: 21 de julio – 9 de agosto; Montrose: 10 al 22 de agosto Ridgway: 23 al 30 de agosto Ouray: 23 al 30 de agosto; Norwood: del 1 al 6 de septiembre; Telluride: del 7 al 21 de septiembre.
Cualquier recluso de los pueblos más pequeños de la región debe presentarse en el burg más cercano como se define anteriormente.
“Bésame el aura, Dora”. – Frank Zappa (1940 – 1993)
Muchas regiones adoptan el estándar de calabacín
(Delta) Un número creciente de comunidades se han destetado del dólar y han adoptado el calabacín como moneda de curso legal, así como una medida de riqueza y bienestar.
A pesar de la fortaleza del dólar estadounidense, muchos estadounidenses, en su mayoría rurales, sienten que lo que pueden ver acumularse es una mejor medida de prosperidad que las tarjetas de crédito, un mísero papel moneda.
“Obtuvimos billetes verdes y cosas por el estilo con imágenes de hombres con pelucas o obtuvimos hermosas calabazas amarillas y verdes”, dijo un ex entusiasta de Nitwit Coin. “¿Cuál parece el más seguro?”
La fuente no hizo comentarios cuando se le preguntó acerca de los meses de invierno cuando el calabacín y la mayoría de las verduras frescas se secan por estas partes. Los cazadores y recolectores ya están trabajando arduamente enlatando y almacenando calabazas por temor a una “corrida en el banco” por parte de los habitantes de la ciudad.
Los rumores de una invasión de calabacines rebeldes en las cercanías de Rangel, Colorado, se han degradado simultáneamente a una perturbación tropical oficial y se han delegado como área de desastre federal. Los mandatos federales limitan estrictamente las migraciones de plantas como esta que superan las 25 millas de ancho.
“Ese parche de calabacín sediento es fácilmente el doble de ese tamaño”, continuó nuestra fuente, quien ahora se identificó como Hector Somebody, de Mack. Nos dijo que hordas de milicianos zucchini, llamados Zucchini Rangers debido a sus ridículos calcetines amarillos y dorados y sus rifles Squashkopf* bien engrasados, habían rodeado a los zucchini y cavado trincheras en la frontera estatal en preparación para una guerra de desgaste.
Otros secuestraron un camión de Bimbo Bread y lo condujeron a un lugar seguro momentos antes de ser engullidos por la calabaza serpenteante. Los remolques de tractores cercanos y un vehículo recreativo de 4000 pies no tuvieron tanta suerte.
“Estaban aquí un minuto y se fueron al siguiente”, dijo Alguien, como mi control de seguridad sociable.
*Carcano M 1938 carabina beretta – Fucile Armaguera a vosotros flatlanders
-Gabby Haze
Macaques, Howlers and ED Capsules
A formula for disaster in our alpine canopy
Local authorities seek input as to the burgeoning ED treatment epidemic within the Japanese Macaque and Howler Monkey populations in the San Juans and Elk Mountains. As most of our enlightened readership is already well aware, the primates were secretly dropped into the Wiminuche Wilderness in 1985 followed by another introduction of a smaller group of immigrant macaques in 1991.
That was then. Now is now. The clash of monkeys and medicine. Catastrophe looms. Ape anarchy.
The availability and acceptability of erectile dysfunction products out there in the medicinal world has seen to that. They are plentiful on the black market. They have made their way into the forests. They are everywhere like jelly beans on Easter. The place has gone nuts. Primates that once blended well with other existing flora and fauna are no longer so docile. Monkeys who appeared content to sit in trees and yell are now out looking for a good time, every night of the week, so we’re told.
Police are perplexed as to how the primates are acquiring the drugs so easily and at such a volume.
“We are monitoring known dispensing spots for all sorts of legal pharmaceuticals,” said one officer in Colona. “We watch for suspicious behavior but not one monkey or ape has been spotted within city or town limits.”
County officials say the ED pills are being brought by tourists and discarded. They say the accessibility has grown over the past decade. But they agree that this is small potatoes compared to the incendiary house of cards shuffling in our woodlands.
“The alarming part is that the deteriorating relationship between wardens and primates has reached toxic levels so quickly despite the availability of counseling and free coffee at a series of open meetings that were poorly attended to be kind, and seen as irrelevant by other wildlife.
Humans are warned to stay out of the woods during the traditional morning, afternoon and evening mating times. Residents and visitors alike are reminded that the macaque and howlers are protected species. Harming one could land you in jail with big fines and a loss of hunting privileges for yourself and your off-spring.
“If it was me I’d just stay in the house or go to Arizona,” said one county commissar, who pleaded anonymity.
The clandestine experiment seemed to be going very smoothly as the troupes found everything they required to sustain and thrive as the first control group in North America. Although the forests were quite different than more tropical environs the animals quickly adapted substituting quakie for mango leaves and berries for bananas.
Division of Wildlife plans to relocate the species to Oklahoma during rifle season here have been abandoned due to the cost of diesel.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Supervivientes como Elkton
(Crested Butte) Un grupo de supervivencia ha incluido a la comunidad de Elkton en su lista de las diez ciudades más habitables de Estados Unidos según Assault Life, una publicación de culto del norte de Idaho. Elkton recibió su nombre debido a su clima agradable, su composición étnica, la accesibilidad en el invierno y la proximidad a una importante zona de esquí del tercer mundo.
Los pueblos no califican para este honor porque apoyen a un grupo sobre otro o porque hayan expresado afición por alguna orientación política o social. Se enumeran así debido a su potencial previsto para sobrellevar una crisis militar. El almacenamiento de alimentos y armas, así como la privacidad para llevar a cabo los asuntos de defensa, también fueron consideraciones importantes en la votación.
El grupo que se hacía llamar The Lighter Shade of Pale Brotherhood clasificó a Elkton, ubicada a unas siete millas al norte de aquí, en Washington Gulch, como el número tres en su registro anual. Superando a Elkton estaban Deadhorse, Alaska (primero) y Ouelette, Maine (segundo). Otras comunidades que recibieron reconocimiento entre los cinco primeros fueron Grand Isle, Louisiana; Rexford, Montana y Orkney, Saskatchewan, ya que la membresía de Pale Brotherhood deja mucho que desear en los campos de las matemáticas y la geografía.
-Margot Rotweiler
Many Regions Embrace Zucchini Standard
(Delta) A rising number of communities have weaned themselves off the dollar and taken to zucchini as legal tender as well as a negotiable measure of wealth and well- being.
Despite the strong US dollar, many mostly rural Americans feel that what they can see piling up is a better measure of prosperity than credit cards some measly paper money. Many say the paper money is good to start fires but they can’t get even dried zucchini squash to ignite.
“We got greenbacks and such with pictures of men in wigs or we got beautiful squash of yellow and green,” said one former Nitwit Coin enthusiast. “Which one looks the most secure?”
The source did not comment when asked about the winter months when zucchini and most fresh vegetables dry up around these parts. Already hunters and gatherers are hard at work canning and storing squash in apprehension of a “run on the bank” by city dwellers.
Rumors of an invasion by miles of rogue zucchini in the vicinity of Rangel, Colorado have been simultaneously downgraded to an official tropical disturbance and delegated as a federal disaster area. Federal mandates strictly limit plant migrations such as this that exceed 25 miles wide.
“That thirsty zucchini patch is easily twice that size,” continued our source who now identified himself as Hector Somebody, of Mack. He told us that hordes of zucchini militia, called Zucchini Rangers due to their laughable yellow and gold socks and well-oiled Squashkopf* Rifles, had surrounded the zucchini and dug trenches at the state line in preparation for a war of attrition.
Others hijacked a Bimbo Bread truck and drove it to safety in Wyoming moments before engulfed by the meandering squash. Nearby tractor trailers and a 4000-foot recreational vehicle were not so lucky. The Bimbo maneuver was reportedly linked to a wildly popular board game aply named Dump the Zuchini which claims over three million afficionados across the Rockies.
“They were here one minute and gone the next,” said Somebody, just like my sociable security check.”
*Carcano M 1938 carbine beretta – Fucile Armaguera to you flatlanders
-Gabby Haze
“Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.”
– Jules Renard, 1890
