Author Archive for M. Toole
Guilt Dumpsters Back
(Wimpton) 17 official guilt dumpsters will again grace convening points throughout Gunnison County this fall. Sponsored by Taylor Park Mental Health in the Rockies, the large trash cylinders are already in place in green, shady, nondescript, alternate locales.
Well employed by residents and visitors up here soon they will come to your town or sector.
The massive steel receptacles, hauled in all the way from Utah, are capable of handling everything from white lie misnomers to full out industrial mid-winter “ I can’t believe I did that” sins to naughty thoughts to that long ago regret that was never brought to closure.
“The last thing we need around these dumpsters is a lot of moralizing,” said Prez Pabste, vice president of Above Ground Compactions at Al’s Backhoe of Crested Butte, the firm that introduced the guilt dumpsters back in 1980. “Do you know the manpower required to move 20 cubic tons and this debris and bury it 20 feet deep?”
That, as Pabste claims, is the chore, the residue, the reality of half-baked ideas. Most agree the guilt dumpsters are therapeutic and self-enriching. They make us better neighbors. They allow for introspection and in some cases they wipe the slate clean. It is only when the contents are jiggled around that they approach toxic levels.
Many here have expressed concern over the brutality unprofessional collection of guilt and the failure of some to follow the basic rules of common sense and safety. For instance, dumpers are required to arrive with all drop guilt packaged in a hermetically sealed box (provided by the gov’ment with your tax returns) and undergo the dehumanizing effects of a hastily arranged precautionary spot-check operated by off-duty Transportive Sincerity Adaption (TSA) officers and their friends.
“This guilt shit is heavy duty,” continued a pear psychologist from Marble where the guilt dumpsters could land as early as Friday. “Schofield (Pass) doesn’t have the infrastructural methodology to conduct such a move,” said Dr. Efram “Carl” Pennywhistle, a fellow in Carbondale. “Look at the mess the bighorns leave each fall and they are pretty much self-contained.”
Already satellite businesses are springing up in the vicinity of the culpability canisters. Two counseling centers and liquor store plan a grand opening in September while St Roscoe’s Basilica is expected to participate in the expansion with mobile confessionals for those mired in the Bark Ages.
“It’s compunction, contrition and convolution!” exclaimed Pabste, elbowing his way back into the limelight of crisp dialogue. “There is no excuse for illegal dumping now!”
To locate your guilt dumpster/culpability canister consult your GPS or just stare into the mirror until the data appears. This will not provide a little schedule, addresses and hours due to security concerns. You may go on-line at www.callussomeothertime.com but then another federal agency will have your email information.
“Your attention on this matter is of the gravest uncertainty as consciousness gradually shifts into fifth gear.” stressed Pabste.
– Fred Zeppelin
“I’d love to spend a few hours standing here at the grill discussing the plight of the urban coyote but we’re out of lard and I have a a very drunk line cook to contend with.”
-Red to Muffy Hollandaise at Red’s Gravy Heaven, next to the Giant Turd Fossil RV Park zip line, Escucha al Monte.
Planets Set to Collide
(Substratum Observatory) Astronomers here predict that either Mars or Venus (or both) will collide with planet Earth, resulting in mass destruction and an end to life as we have known it. The frightening impact is expected somewhere between the next few days and the next 750 years, depending on negative energy flow, external phenomenon and the weather. Residents of the affected planets are urged
to stockpile food water and blankets so as to have the best chances of survival.
“We apologize for the inaccuracies contained in our report,” said one scientist, “and we would like to be more exact in our calculations but it’s tough to tell what is what and who is who in outer space. Trying to decide what time to have lunch is tough enough without trying to predict the arrival time of bedlam and pandemonium.”
Meanwhile an official gov’ment statement released this morning denies any knowledge of suspicious behavior on the part of Mars and Venus. In addition leaders in world capitals agree that all residents should continue their daily rituals and not worry about “silliness that they cannot control”.
“Like it or not the collisions could come at any time,” continued the astronomical source, “so we may as well enjoy life, although it might not hurt to get one’s cosmic ducks in a row.”
-Manuel Flushe
Soviets Withheld Hangover Cure from People
(Moscow) The KGB and other control factions in the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 50 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of ripe Georgian peppercorns, liquid oxygen, generous portions of vitamin B, and dried Tabasco sauce lightly shaken with tepid vodka, was discovered by none other than Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1944. Sadly the paranoid dictator did not make his findings public, in fact did not share these remedial qualities with even his close friends and family, until his death in 1953.
The embarrassing disclosures were released as part of a continuing house cleaning in the Kremlin. It was not clear at press time if controversial Russian leader Vladimir Putin had knowledge of the proceedings.
Stalin’s sad legacy had survived until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure for advanced exposure to vile spirits was leaked to reporters by a Communist party girl during a weekend fling in Minsk. Since then the party girl has relocated to Finland and cannot be contacted for comment. The official recipe was never circulated within the hard-drinking population since it was destroyed by fire during the Yeltson Era.
According to statements attributed to the now deceased Yeltsin “It remains horribly barbaric and intensely cruel to those of us that enjoy a daily repast and often exceed our limits. Withholding information of this magnitude swerves as further proof that Stalin was not only mad but chronically stupid.”
For decades party officials had complained of lost workdays and low production, often attributing these social maladies to the liberal consumption of “barrio vodka”. Had Stalin shared his discoveries the Soviet System may have succeeded or at least shown better yields in factories and collective farms.
“The world might be a different place today had the Soviets applied this saving catalyst,” said one expert who often dresses as Stalin and still lives with his (not Stalin’s) mother.
The ancients seem to have possessed a remedy for alcohol poisoning as they called it. Researchers have doggedly pursued a cold trail in this vein since the Crusades. Prior to that time the personified factions of good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first put cork to bottle, brewing beer in 3500 BC.
– Gregory Rasputin Jr.
SICK BLAMED FOR HEALTH CARE WOES
(Warshington) Opponents of the absent/diluted National Health Care program, proposed by the Obama Administration, say that sick people are the major stumbling block in creating an effective policy here. The culprits, they say, lay around in hospital beds doing virtually nothing all day.
Republicans, careful not to offend the right-wing Christian sector, added that these problem citizens should either get healthy or bow out gracefully so as to allow the rest of us to afford protection.
Saying that these “selfish malcontents are jeopardizing the standard of living for everyone”, a spokesperson for the Sturgeon General’s Office promised to look into the matter after the November elections.
“We’re all down with the flu this week,” whined the source,. If we had premier coverage like Congress we’d probably be able to make it to work and actually get something accomplished.”
In the interim, concerned parties on the left and right have called for a freeze on legal immigration so that “fevered clusters of humanity can be better curtailed”. These highly vocal groups have even gone so far as to demand clean bills of health from groups entering the county illegally and serve them up as some sort of example to the sleepy American voter.
“The last thing we need is a bunch of aliens getting sick and ruining it for everyone else,” said a T-Bag from somewhere south of reality. “If they insist on having babies here the least they could do is have the dignity to buy American-made diapers!”
When later informed that all “American” diapers (and American flags for that matter) are now made in China the enlightened source was at a loss for further misspelled words and bad grammar.
In a rare appearance at a suburban Virginia dog show President Obama told reporters that “blaming the infirm for health care woes was like blaming pets for leash laws”. It’s high time we identified the sandbaggers in the system and rooted them out one at a time,” said the Chief Executive. Following an enthusiastic response by those in attendance, the President promised to recognize no less than 16 new breeds of dog if elected for a second term. He did not mention cats.
Called cheap grandstanding by dwindling voices in the Republican camp, the action was seen by non-partisan forces as an attempt to placate the sick while securing the canine vote in the coming campaigns.
“Isn’t it about time the middle classes picked up the slack,” said one lobbyist for the American Medical Association. “If we wait for the rich or poor to cover our arses we could be six feet under before sunset. How can we realistically expect to find any answers with all the coughing and nose blowing taking precedence over common scents?”
– Tommy Middlefinger
US Map Shows Polarization and More
Darkened states within the land of the free clearly indicate domaines where people enjoy being tickeled with an albatross feather. In the lightly colored states the practice is illegal and punishable by fines and imprisonment. Both major political parties say they offer freedom while increasingly restricting the population. The experiment is not going well. The experiment is out of control. (Poverty is a Crime Photo Service)
Uncompahgre To Run South in November
(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the seceretive Department of the Exterior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 2010.
The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until November.
“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this Ouray County place existed. There are no movie theaters, bowling alleys or It’s really nice but what do the people do in the winter?”
The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.
“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors commercials.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Queen’s Coffin Located, Expedited
(London) For a harrowing 20 minutes nobody knew where the coffin had gone. Then in the nick of time a Jamaican Airlines ticketing agent stumbled across it while on her coffee break across from the domestic baggage sector.
“There it was. Bright as a prosperous colony, standing firm as sterling silver,” she said “I had seen it on telly when it left Edinburgh. It was the only unclaimed cargo on a red-eye flight in from Mumbai.
Within moments hundreds of anxious federal and local authorities swooped down on the lonely carousel, still going round and round. Forensic specialists and members of the royal clan were then spirited to the airport to make positive identification before announcing that the Queen Mother was in fact “in there all right” according to police.
“Her Majesty does not fly on commercial airlines,” said an aide. “The very idea that her private box had been tampered with is illogical since it only need pass through rudimentary customs in London.”
The aide blamed the Irish.
Meanwhile with the newly found Queen Elizabeth (no last name given) arrived at Westminster Abbey without further incident.
-Finn McCool
“If elected I will go to Mars” says Commissioner Candidate
(Lake City, CO) The Hinsdale County Commissioners race in 2022 is heating up with the incumbent promising star roving and the challenger urging voters to herald the town into the 21st century.
Resonating the words of then Presidential candidate Dwight D. Eisenhower regarding a visit to the war zone that was Korea 1951, Toole looked like he had just taken a bite out of someone.
“If elected I will go to Mars!” he exclaimed again just so everyone could hear him.
Paula Parvenu, a retired osteopath and competition for the coveted county position mocked Toole, saying that she would rather stay in county and help the residents here. Readers may recall Parvenu’s tearful concession speech following a painful one vote defeat in the County Coroner race in 2020.
“I realize I am a bit of a neophyte but I am quite sure that solar system treks and small town politics don’t mix well.”
“I’d say the Martian enthusiasm was split down the middle with half of the registered voters impressed with Toole’s courage and willingness to to strike out into the great beyond,” stressed one election monitor. “The other half simply want him to leave town for whatever reason he chooses in his jumbled consciousness.”
“Why Mars?”asked Toole defensively. “Less controversial than Israel or Taiwan. Closer than Neptune. “The moon is passé. Everyone is doing that.”
His own grapefruit powered spice module with a henway launcher was crafted in the Black Hills from old motorcycle parts and a discarded copper still.
“At first Toole threatened to ride his Gold Wing but aides calmed him down.,” said the former commissioner. “Then he volunteered to be shot from a canon duplicating countless success stories from his earlier circus days.”
The key here, according to the local prattle is that Toole says he is going someplace. Any place. The destination is secondary.
“The electorate hears the sound byte, stores it within the twisted wires and well-worn fears and generational opinions, spits out a poorly though out preamble and then forgets the matter entirely.”
-Slim Gulione
