Author Archive for M. Toole

Survivalists Like Elkton

(Crested Butte) A survivalist group has named the community of Elkton to its list of the Top Ten Most Liveable Towns in America according to Assault Life, a cult publication out of Northern Idaho. Elkton was named due to its pleasant climate, its ethnic makeup, accessibility in the winter, and proximity to a major third world ski area.

Towns do not qualify for this honor because they support any one group over another or because they have expressed a fondness for any one political or social orientation. They are so listed because of their envisioned potential for riding out a military crisis. The storage of food and weapons as well as the privacy to conduct the business of defense were also major considerations in the voting.

The group calling itself The Lighter Shade of Pale Brotherhood ranked Elkton, located some seven miles north of here up Washington Gulch as number three on its annual register. Beating out Elkton were Deadhorse, Alaska (first) and Ouelette, Maine (second). Other communities receiving recognition in the top five were Grand Isle, Louisiana; Rexford, Montana and Orkney, Saskatchewan as the Pale Brotherhood membership leaves something to be desired in the fields of math and geography.

– Margot Rotweiller

“Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”       – H.L. Mencken

The only gas between Montrose and Gunnison

Newberry’s has been located at the bottom of Cerro Summit since 1940 and has no plans to change that status. If you’re looking for groceries, rocks or cold drinks stop in!

A mess of elk up on Kinikin

Loafing elk above Montrose, October 2022

Digital fly swatting discounted by judge

(Crested Butte) Claims by a former local newspaper that it can still be effective in the execution of bothersome  flies were denied by a circuit judge here. The presiding magistrate, citing the fact that the newspaper is now a website and thus has no impact ratio or torque ruled that a computer is incapable successfully swatting flies. 

She then concluded that sanjuanhorseshoe.com could be prosecuted for fraud in that it insisted it could squash flies with the deadliness and regularity of the former newspaper. 

But rather than pursue the fraud conviction Judge Heather Barley declared a mistrial since not enough flies could be assembled to conduct a valid litmus test.

“It’s too cold for enough of them to be around now,” she said. “We will have to await until the new crop arrives in June to record sustainable data.”

Meanwhile the mysteries of cyber space remain out to lunch.

Despite what many see as temporary respite a growing number of readers have expressed frustration over these outrageous assertions and directives. Feeling duped or gullible after constant attempts to kill flies by osmosis or implied gravitational magic has left them wanting. 

“I’m sticking to the printed version,” said one longtime fan of the paper. “I just read it over and over then start again at the beginning of the month. The paper isn’t worth much but I got no damn flies. I just love to watch those techie boobs wrapping their heads around a pile of soggy fish and chips…while balancing their GPS device on their laps.”

-Fred Zeppelin

“The USA, where one can still wrest an enthusiastic response just by opening a burger stand.”

-Melvin Bedwetter Toole, food wagon  

Matamoscas digital descontado por juez

(Crested Butte) Un juez de circuito rechazó aquí las afirmaciones de un antiguo periódico local de que todavía puede ser eficaz en la ejecución de moscas molestas. El magistrado presidente, citando el hecho de que el periódico ahora es un sitio web y, por lo tanto, no tiene una relación de impacto o torque, dictaminó que una computadora es incapaz de aplastar moscas con éxito.

Luego concluyó que sanjuanhorseshoe.com podría ser procesado por fraude porque insistió en que podía aplastar moscas con la letalidad y regularidad del periódico anterior.

Pero en lugar de continuar con la condena por fraude, la jueza Heather Barley declaró un juicio nulo ya que no se pudieron reunir suficientes moscas para realizar una prueba de fuego válida.

“Hace demasiado frío para que haya suficientes de ellos ahora”, dijo. “Tendremos que esperar hasta que llegue la nueva cosecha en junio para registrar datos sostenibles”.

Mientras tanto, los misterios del ciberespacio quedan fuera de juego.

A pesar de lo que muchos ven como un respiro temporal, un número creciente de lectores ha expresado su frustración por estas escandalosas afirmaciones y directivas. Sentirse engañados o crédulos después de constantes intentos de matar moscas por ósmosis o magia gravitatoria implícita los ha dejado con ganas.

“Me quedo con la versión impresa”, dijo un fanático del periódico desde hace mucho tiempo. “Simplemente lo leo una y otra vez y luego empiezo de nuevo a principios de mes. El papel no vale mucho, pero no tengo malditas moscas. Me encanta ver a esos boobs aficionado a la tecnología envolviendo sus cabezas alrededor de una pila de pescado y papas fritas empapados… mientras equilibran su dispositivo GPS en sus regazos”.

-Fred Zeppelin

Autumn Majesty near Ohio Pass

Castle Mountain sees its first snow of the season