Aliens abscond with Senate, House, most of Court

(Washington DC) Members of both Houses and several supreme justices were kidnapped during the final culmination of a particularly boring hearing on dog parks on federal lands in the Capital this morning. 

The justices were grabbed first and then forced to watch the juvenile shenanigans in the Senate before being disrobed and taken to comfort zones for reeducation and a forced return to the peasant way of life in the countryside.

Mitch “KY Jelly” McConnell appears crushed beneath the machinery of his own iniquitous schemes. The highly iconic, often colonic McConnell  was the victim of the sophisticated McConnell Shift, employed with great alacrity by the opposition. 

Everyone knows Mitch can’t hit the cutter, or the slider either. He looks like he is about to break into tears at any moment and yet here he is…in power.

It’s like selling one’s soul to the devil without asking for a receipt,” said one senate page of the entire ordeal.

“They all look the same to us,” laughed one kidnaping intruder from another world… “like a bunch of greedy old white men, mostly” said one confused galactic kidnapper, whatever that is.”

The politicians were whisked away after undergoing brain reassignment surgery (over in Maryland) and a new wardrobe according to decoded messages intercepted by ham radio operators outside Parlin, Colorado. Since a majority were already enrolled in one witness protection program or another, a bureaucratic nightmare was averted. 

No official randsom has been discussed.

-Small Mouth Bess

In other news 

Rats Outnumber Residents in Trump Apartments

“No, I said the rodents were making strides,” stressed billionaire Jared Rat. “and residents expected them to take over daily operations by 2023. Why must you crucify us. We are just trying to make a profit.”

The building, owned by members of the family, is a sacred testament to the business savvy of ex-politician, Donald J Trump.