AROUND COLORADO

Journalist wed at Coors

(Denver) Melvin O’ Toole and Belle Toole were married last night somewhere left of center at Coors Field. The happy couple were congratulated by friends and the 35,000 Rockies’ fans in attendance.

Immediately following the ceremony Mel announced that he would drop the O preceding his surname if his new bride would drop all pretension about the evening.

“I saw her eyeballing the young pitching staff they have out here,” quipped Toole. “She has a wandering eye and a frightening sinker but its the curve ball that landed this sailor.”

Then, just as the couple had guzzled their third beer, O’ Toole (now Toole) was hit in the forehead with a line drive and required medical attention. After an instant replay camera was consulted it became apparent that Toole had not interfered with play and he was allowed to remain in the stands. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound and he was right back up at the bratwurst stand by the third inning. He plans to go on the DL list after the couple’s first spat, scheduled for October. Good luck to all!

Spatial Profiling Irritates Obese

(Malfunction) The nation’s “large” have filed a suit against the Malfunction Police Department claiming officers there discriminate against people of girth. The complaint details repeated occasions where police have pulled people over just because they are overweight. Attorneys for the corpulent say the practice of spatial profiling is to blame for the mistreatment.

“This is unconstitutional,” said Morgan Ample, of Fruita. “The cops are singling us out because we’re different. By percentage, plump people don’t commit any more crime than the skinny ones do, yet I don’t see the cops harassing them.”

“If I observe a 300-pound driver high centered on the highway I will damn well pull him/her over,” said one cop who asked not to be identified. “It’s a dangerous situation not to mention the wear and tear on the road. I have nothing against obese people of any race, color or creed.”

An official police department spokesman refrained from comment on the matter.

BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush

(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.

“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”

Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health.

In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.

“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”

Dionysus to speak at Pavilion

(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on July 31. Undressing the subject of public mood of late the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action along the lines of his creative/intuitive power.

“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very newspaper. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed.”

Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.

“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”

Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats

(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Legal Lottery, she’s eating lobster and most of the local cats are rich.

That’s because she gave away all of her winnings to the kitties.

“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on alcohol and fast cars.”

Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.

“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.

The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.

“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”

Excelsior Resumes Flights

(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.

Included on the daily flight schedule through Labor Day are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm).

The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron was temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the plane had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.

“The kids did a great job,” smiled Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and horseradish.”