ANARCHISTS CONTINUE SIEGE OF CNN

(Atlanta) Not since Sherman’s March to the Sea has the onslaught been so terrifying. Again this morning the scorching sun of late summer has witnessed a “raw and agonizing assault” of the Cable News Network by anarchists intent on something or the other.

Battalions of anarchists, some masquerading as Piedmont fruitcake buyers, others adorned with plastic Ted Turner masks, stormed the studios but were repulsed thanks to the efforts of a palatial guard. Losses were reported minimal since the anarchists were armed only with peaches and the CNN troops with outdated cosmetic artillery and forked tongues.

Leaders of the anarchists, who claimed they were not really on the scene, agreed that they had landed right smack in the tar baby pit this time.

“Didn’t you ever read Uncle Remus and the story of Bre’r Fox and Bre’r Bear?” asked one field commander. “The tar baby just sits there, nice and pretty, like the TV newscasters, and pretty soon everyone in the forest is stuck, even Bre’r Rabbit. I realize it’s a crummy analogy but as anarchists we don’t have to follow any logical patterns, so take it or leave it.”

The goal of the anarchists who aren’t really there is to blow up CNN and save society from too much news.

“There are people who think it their civic duty to watch this journalistic sideshow,” said one tank commander, waiting for another go at the south wall of the boob tube bunker. “Don’t they realize that it’s all a hype. None of that stuff is really going on and if it was it would be subject to evil prioritizing by the TV bosses.”

Insiders say that talent within the CNN redoubt has enough hair spray, mirrors and cold coffee to resist until the holidays. Atlanta Falcons’ games will not be interrupted although some will be broadcast late, disguised as the Larry King Show.

“We hope our message trickles down to other citizen groups and soon all television stations are reduced to rubble,” said the tank officer. “Then we can start building a world free of these dangerous intrusions.

CNN lackey, Jane Honda is scheduled to present CNN’s side in the conflict in a speech before the Daughters of the Confederacy this evening. Ironically enough, that group had considered joining the anarchists as late as yesterday.

An airlift of beans and rice, allegedly organized by the said  daughters, failed earlier in the week as strong winds blew the provisions all the way to the Alabama border. A second attempt is scheduled for Friday this time with fresh bologna sandwiches and beanie weenies on tiny polyester parachutes.

“Anything to get rid of those electronic Yankees,” said one member.

Several cable channels have already expressed interest in producing a mini series about siege.

– Kashmir Horseshoe