AJAX SET TO GO OFF

(Telluride) Ajax Mountain, the rocky Casanova peak that dominates the immediate eastern landscape here, is about to explode. That’s what seismic impulses detected since early yesterday clearly indicate.
Despite the fact that Ajax is not, and has never been volcanic, tremors felt as far away as Cahone suggest that local residents may be in for a big surprise. Scientists working round the clock at Bridal Veil Falls Observatory are hoping to pinpoint the exact time of the eruption. At press time they conclude that the mountain will most likely blow her top on or about April 15.
“At least she’s waiting until the end of ski/tax season,” said a Telpie gov’ment/ marketing source. “It’s hell trying to market a ski area with volcanoes going off. We had enough trouble with the airlines and slick roads. Let’s just hope the whole incident has followed its course and is over by Bluegrass.”
Local volcanoes Little Cone and Lone Cone, located to the west, haven’t erupted since before the Utes moved in. They have been examined on an annual basis for the sake of public safety, having been chronicled as dormant. This whole Ajax phenomenon appears to have surfaced from out of the high altitude rockwork.
Volunteers from the local population have already began sandbagging from the Idarado Mill to the site of the ancient city of Pandora. These regiments are made up primarily of home owners and realtors, concerned about the price of properties covered in lava.
“We know that lava creates great soil but we’re not a farming community — We’re a resort!” said Herm Mitt, associate broker at Catastrophe Realty on Pacific Street. “What are we to expect? A latter day Pompeii? Does this mean we’ll finally have hot springs of our own?”
Dr. Suzanne Cheavers, a visiting seismic fellow from Cal Amari University told The Horseshoe that things like this are quite common all over the world and in Grand Junction.
“Imagine shoppers lingering on the avenue at the time of massive impact,” she began, “hoisting that last precious cappuccino to their lips, moments before they are preserved forever under mounds of hot lava. Avalanche danger — A latte for eternity!”
Cheavers then suggested that the occurrence of an earthquake has nothing to do with sin and debauchery like in the old movies. She said that virgins have not been effective in holding back hot magma from the conduit throat of the parasitic cone but that its often fun to try.
“Ancient man thought it was a goof to throw some young thing down the volcano on a Saturday night,” said the doctor. “It’s a lot like square dancing, bowling or going to the movies today. It just goes to show that recreational pursuits really haven’t changed that much in centuries. Who ever thought skiing would catch on.”
Although not expected to pack the wallop of volcanoes such as Krakatoa or even Cotopaxi, Ajax is no wimpy volcano. Classified as the Strombolian type it should feature thick lava, gases and numerous explosions. The bars should be packed.
Up in the fashionable Mountain Village residents are standing pat. Confidant that an impenetrable system of security checkpoints will save them they continue to go about their business as usual.
“The lava would have to fill up the entire Bear Creek Valley before we’d get touched,” said J. Jimmy James Woolcotte, of Fort Worth. “I’ve seen this same kind of thing once while floating the Brazos on Pearl. We just offered the thing cash. I just hope we don’t have a mad exit of refugees on the gondola. Those people down in Telluride can be so frumpish.”
Dr. Cheavers plans to consult with other anthropologists in the region and construct a viable master plan with which to organize resistance.
“Either we’ll survive or we won’t,” she said. “Ultimately even National Historic Districts are temporary and, after the dust settles, it might be a lot easier to find a place to park.” – Kashmir Horseshoe