Combined Canning Season Considered

(Tin Pan Park  —  Colorado Mamories  —  October 25, 2016)

A combined canning season is now being considered for 2017 due to an increase in canners during the two separate seasons, says Louella Hatchet of the State Cosmic Canning Observatory in Aurora.

The number of canners increased from 18,561 to 23,076 since 2000 and with the increase has come more accidents, violations and the big money.

“We want to squeeze every last dollar out of the out-of staters,” laughed Hatchet. “So what if they can’t spend money with the local merchants like they used to. We don’t give a damn about the merchants either- most are just a wavering rich people, a true bunch of lost newcomers anyway.”

Canners from all over the world come to the Western Slope in search of erotic plants and edible rocks.

“Reloading, once quite controversial, has become quite popular in recent years,” added Hatchet,”and by 2017 we hope to tax the hell out of that too.”

Since 1963 the SCO has been tagging cans to check their health, breeding and migratory habits just like we do with the King’s deer. “So far we have spent $212,000 to find that these cans are immune to most diseases, sterile and relatively immobile, but we’ll keep trying,” said Hatchet.

– Mel Toole