Local Man Wins RV Races

(Mañana, CO — Mudhumpers Gazette — August 5, 2016)

Melvin Toole, 77 of 558399733668844 Road here has claimed first prize in the annual Recreational Vehicle Sprint held at the Montrose Water Park. The 2016 Senior Games champion, sporting a 700-foot long Cherokee, 5th Wheel, Stiff Neck Turbo plus One, turned in times of 45.6 and 46.2 barely edging out a husband and wife team from Moline who were disqualified for dirty rigs.

Beth and Walter Whisper of Cedaredge are protesting the decision to award the prize money to Toole. They say they beat his self-contained eunuch, navigated by a pet terrier named Rothschild Broom Hilda, who won the barrel racing and parallel parking competitions paws down the previous afternoon.

Although legally blind, Toole remains instrument rated and plays commercial radio full blast to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. Readers may remember that Toole was disqualified in the 2014 and 2015 races for failure to wear a seatbelt during the proceedings. He was not wearing pants either.

However, due to chronic crowding at local jailhouses, Toole was issued a warning and told to go finish dressing before he returned to town. A tennis enthusiast, the former Big Tire shaman, watches at least 15 hours of television per day and writes to his Congressmen.

– Muriel Armbruster

“A politician doesn’t steal elections. He pays for them.”
– written on the wall in the Congressional Ethics Committee men’s room