Mammoth TV Still Holding Hostages

(Blanding, UT — That’s News to Me — May 31, 2016)

A 220-inch Sony Trinitron-Mega Brain Television continues to hold about a dozen people hostage over the noon hour, according to police on their way to lunch. Seven former prisoners of the appliance were released this morning just as the FBI arrived on the scene.

“The hostages walked right out the front door at Melvin’s Three-Hour Donut and Digital TV Hut,” said one unreliable source. “They looked like they were in some sort of trance.”

Limited information tells us that the seven were released after negotiators pressed the issue of often moronic shows, re-runs and fear-based news programs, and the TV capitulated. But not before a barrage of curses at the cops that had now surrounded the strategic target with more than 1400 officers and a Just Say No tank, on loan from the government of Colombia.

It was not completely clear if the actions were politically motivated or if the TV just popped it’s top prior to the seizures. Police, armed with radios, have threatened to rush the front door unless the television surrenders peacefully.
The armament status of the TV is not known.

The proprietor of Mel’s was on vacation in Mexican Hat at the time of the incident and could not be contacted for what would have undoubtedly been another of his long-winded, multi-directional comments.

– Susie Compost