On this day in history

On this day in History from Gunnison, Colorado Archives —December 12, 2014

In 10,000 BC Cave person Oog Muklucke invented the first rock music by simultaneously pounding two geodes together and stomping his feet. Some of his more important compositions were “Rock Around the Sundial”, “Blue Suede Loincloth” and “Hit the Brontosaurus Path, Jack”. Sadly he was several millennia ahead of his time and no one cared to listen to his songs. He died in poverty and obscurity. Centuries later Michael Jackson bought the rights to the songs and Muklucke’s descendants (still resembling cave personnel) enjoyed the spoils of his ancient rhythms.

In 1505 Hector Joaquin III led a fiery assault on Brandenburg, Germany, employing 8000 lancers, 120,000 cavalry and three divisions of battle-hardened Flemish infantry. Joaquin, no stranger to high fashion appeared on the field adorned in a tasteful Prussian herringbone waistcoat, highbrow slacks of woven corduroy, a patchwork plume de schlock greatcoat and spats of pure gold Persian guano worth more than his mount. Accompanying the soon to be celebrity were the Second Flying Battalion of Hogs in Armor. Residents of the city slept through the entire incident culminating in a vain attempt to ignite the city’s rock walls.

In 1777 (still remember fondly as the Year of the Three Sevens) Spanish explorer Juan de la Tutu passed over the future site of Montrose while searching for a gay bar and a route to the Pacific. Curious Ute warriors, encountering the scantily attired, yet fashionable, Tutu the Conquistadora, was given a buffalo robe and a coffee-stained map of the Great Salt Lake before being sent on his way.

In 1832 Mary Poppins plummeted to her death due to a faulty rear-end on her magic umbrella. After formal and systematic examination, investigators concluded that the dysfunction was the result of sabotage on the part of workers earning minimum wage while a flamboyant Poppins lived the high life in London.

In 1846 the United States and Mexico signed the Treaty of Little Latin Lupe Lu whereby the US would stop stealing Mexico’s land in return for the recipe for Sonoran Chili Rellenos and Veracruz Guacamole Dip. Unfortunately the recipes then fell into the hands of the United Fruit Company that used them as a pretense to grow bananas and prevent the redistribution of lands to poor campesinos in Central America.

In 1889 cowpunchers in Parlin, Colorado suspended plans to breed a toy quarter horse by transferring DNA of miniature poodles into the gene pool of Pura Raza Andalusian stock. The infant results of the experiments discouraged shade tree animal husbandry for the next two decades. Most of the breeders left Colorado in disgrace as geldings.

In 1920 Banjo Patterson (1861-1941) penned “Waltzing Mathilda” while incarcerated in Prague for his alleged distribution of “Clancy of the Overflow”, a seriously discredited account of Leadville’s first bathing beauty contest held at Stringtown following the First World War. Patterson was then exonerated only to be sent to a maximum security prison in Odessa for whispering that the deposed Czar Nicholas had the manners of a hungry seagull.

In 1979 a team of surgeons from the now defunct Longbranch University School of Medicinal Liquids announced that they had successfully transplanted the brain of a marmot into the head of a tourist. The project, a joint venture between the doctors and the School of Political Science, was aimed at creating a better-informed electorate that would sleep under rocks in the ground on election day.

In 2012 both the Democratic and Republican Parties adopted a platform of truth, justice and accountability at respective conventions this morning only to reverse the action in the afternoon when it became apparent that the original platform was in direct conflict with at least 90% of those present.
– compiled by Manny Copac