AARP DAMNS CANDY CANES

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(Sun City) Candy canes are not politically correct and discriminate against seniors says the American Association of Retired People. The powerful lobby group has petitioned Congress to outlaw the striped Christmas treat.

“Not only do these striped candies depict an immobile crew of elders in a needy light  but they focus on the shortcomings of the handicapped as well,” said an effervescent Jodie Twipper, a 22-year-old press secretary for the group. “In short, we don’t want children playing with the necessary tools of the aged. We don’t want them viewing aging  grandparents as reliant on canes to get around.”

Twitte added that the red and white colors are offensive to some older Americans who have grown bald and no longer need to go to the barber.

“What about people who don’t have teeth and can’t enjoy the candy? Who will speak up for them?” she plinked.

The AARP, recently criticized for reminding quinquagenarians of their inevitable aging, has pledged to get the canes off the market. They have already threatened to go to quart with the makers of Viagra and several RV manufacturers, two lobby groups dependent on older people to survive..

“Isn’t this a lot like throwing out the rubber dickie with the bath water,” asked fifth wheel cliché giant Melvin Toole, always a bridesmaid but never a bride. “I don’t know what that means but I love to throw metaphors around in the age of senior citizen discounts and the demise of sociable security.”

– H.L. Menoken