2020 Elections to be Decided by Penalty Kicks

MULE DEER TIME PREFERRED IN EARLY PROGNOSIS

(Denver) Colorado’s vulnerable ballot boxes will get an extra boost in November with the announcement that most state and federal races will be settled by penalty kicks. Although the final details are far from ironed out, it is painfully clear that close contests will no longer tolerate runoffs that leaders say are particularly susceptible to fraud and miscounts.

“We expect that registered voters will embrace this approach that is quick, colorful, efficient and far less costly than countless hours of secondary campaigning and courtroom drama,” said Polly Svencensus of Centennial Freedom, a highly respected environmental action committee with strong ties to the petroleum lobby.

It was not clear if the new arrangement would dictate final results only in close races or be applied to all political entanglements that often arise when polling places are in the spotlight.

Also new for 2020 is the expansion of mulligans for voters who regret inattentive voting in past elections. According to early appraisals every registered tally will qualify for this extra shot without penalty when individual ballot markers can show ample knowledge of the issues and candidates.

“Bozos who vote without doing their homework will not qualify for the mulligans and could face putter’s remorse, a fairway station yet to be determined,” said Svencensus.

In a related story, media giants in the Mile High City are projecting that Colorado voters will approve Referendum Spring Forward, which proposes Mule Deer Time as a permanent replacement for Daylight Savings Time in locations over 6,000 feet. A bevy of polls indicates that the amendment is favored by more than 3 – 1 and will likely pass into law in January.

-Small Mouth Bess