Year-round snow banks get council OK

(Crested Butte) Lawmakers here have approved a plan that would maintain popular Elk Avenue snow banks all year long. Arguing that the architectural undertaking was both natural and beneficial to tourism, the body’s right wing shoved the measure past the left, who wanted to spend the money on green tea, Chinese dynamite, dog parks and a photo of Bob Marley at the Chamber of Commerce entry.

Working against the clock, snow techs jump-started the program on Monday. First, they surgically sculptured the existing banks so as to seal all faults and provide a soft landing. Then they hauled in tons of snow and ice from local depositories up Washington Gulch. Distributing the snow/ice equally would be a mega chore but it would be handled even if crews are forced to work 24 hours a day.

Then they must hope the weather stays cold.

“When things do start to melt we have to bring in the refrigeration equipment, which we hope will not appear intrusive on the main thoroughfare,” said Molly B. Denim, owner and operator of Born Again Towing, the general contractor on the project. “When they see the waterfalls in the summer and the light show in the fall they’ll stop complaining. The water’s all recycled and the organic snow is dry-cleaned once a week. What’s not to like?”

Voters mobbing the coffee lines downtown seemed unaffected Tuesday morning with most saying that the snow banks were probably good for the town. Others asked what the plan would cost to implement and how snow could withstand the summer heat. Still others condemned the entire incident as a frightening and stupid waste of funds.

Henway “Snow Devil” does its thing off Elk Avenue

Meanwhile, the left wing of the council says it has gained full council support for a referendum on the proposed pedestrian mall for the area in question. Since cars and snow banks have always been at odds, the measure is expected to pass swiftly. Futurists in the northern part of Gunnison County were scornful of the measures unless the cooling power of vast ice caves under the town could be harnessed. Even the coal miners could never pull it off.

“We want to be known as the ski town with year-round snow,” said Denim. “Everybody loves snow banks…so long as they don’t have to maintain them.”

In related news the town’s 1000 hsp/mg-13 henway snow cleaning reactor is up and running again after a series of freeze-ups rendering it useless during the most recent cold spell. Optimistic operators say they aren’t behind their work schedule in that the snow is just starting to get dirty anyway.

“The months of March and April require constant cleaning if we hope to keep things spic and spam,” said Denim.

– Alfalfa Romero