WHISKER CUT-OFF LOOMS

(Gunnison) The final deadline to begin seeding new growth winter beards is Friday, December 27 according to the Colorado Division of Facial Hair in Denver. This includes goatees, pork chop sideburns, ducktails and shanties but not mustaches.

Although considered overly strict by neighboring states and commonwealths, the beard legislation, passed last year after intense lobbying by shaving cream companies, the razor consortium and lots of little kids who object to kissing their stubbly dads, brothers, uncles and grandfathers.

“We don’t feel we have the right to dictate the presence of a mustache in one’s own home, especially in the male population,” said Martin Dilemma, a former barber, sheep sheerer and herbage advocate from Lake City. “As so far as other hair legislation goes, we will hold the line in 2014!”

Dilemma, celebrated as an eccentric, often appears at town meetings and public hangings in a streaked mohair suit with camel tooth gloves, alligator hair shoes and a lavender sheepskin peruke accented with the tail feathers from a local magpie.

“And that’s in July,” said one rebellious beautician who specializes in radical facial plumage at Netty’s Coiffures and Body Piercing here. “Why can’t these people let the citizenry be responsible for mowing its own lawn, so to speak?”

Already local watchdogs report 43 new beards started Monday with an expected 50 or more getting off the ground by the weekend. Authorities warn that once a beard begins, it stays until July 4.

“No exceptions will be made. Beard lovers have had the entire hunting season to walk around looking like winos without anyone gawking at them. Now it’s time to shave or get off the pot!”

– Princess Irm Peawit