Western Slope Male to Female Ratios Approaching Dangerous Levels

(Gladstone) Seven of every ten Western Colorado residents is male according to a recently completed statistical analysis conducted by a consortium of legitimate dating services bivouacked here.

Woodsy suitors line up to dance with the lone lady and a local nightclub last Saturday night. With a growing ratio of men to women in Western Colorado the average man can face waits up to six months before tripping the light fantastic on the hardwood floor. Women, on the other hand, face a constant stream of attentive from simple gawking to outright advances.     (Photo by Margot Rottweiller)

Opportunities, linked directly to the availability of potential mates, or prey in the natural world, are down even though the place has experienced an urban renewal of sorts with expanded shopping, chic bistros and a destination for the more beautiful people. That is not to say that single women flock to the bright lights.

“Let’s face it, says Ratsune Sparkle, a self-educated expert on the comings and goings of Colorado nightlife, “the women most men want to meet after dark aren’t hanging around behind the barn. The fancier ladies migrate to the action and they ain’t much of that down on main in the average Western Colorado burgh.”

Sparkle agreed that the scene at most slope-side ski areas and, of corpse, in metroplex Colona were always hot, but not quite sizzling.

“But it’s so seasonal over here compared to Denver or Albuquerque where there are plenty of women waiting around to encounter rich, interesting men. Most of the women in Denver couldn’t find Sapinero on a GPS.”

On the other side of the coin women here on the west side of the mountains face a population of desperate males that think flowers are for bees and pick ups and pointy-toed boots are for every other occasion. Despite the fact that there is more mobility and opportunity for males to get ahead, many do not rise to the occasion.

Western Colorado men: “Too few women and so little time”

“Women have good reason for not landing here,” said Arleen Coxcomb, MSW, and founder of Save the Earwigs. “If I guy can’t even change his shirt for dinner after eight hours in a ditch he shouldn’t expect romance after dessert.”

Ironically, many of the single women who have relocated here to enjoy the whistle of the wind through the pines and the solitude of the mountains find unwanted attention.           

“The first week I was here I attended seven candlelight dinners, three café lunches and a brunch hosted by a cave person that I met in the supermarket produce department on Sunday at dawn,” said a young woman who says she hopes to raise wallabies on her mini-ranch just outside of Ridgway.

With the autumn and the coming of winter, authorities are face to face with their worst fears as the competition for a winter companion reaches its apex during the rutting season.

“We can only sit back and watch as the social circus culminates,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “It’s particularly painful on the weekdays and weekends.”

– Fred Zeppelin