Wal-Mart Completes Money Chute

(Montrose) A great-winged, high capacity money chute connecting this local Wal-Mart store to its parent corporation in Arkansas is now completed. The chute, or cash spout as it is called in Bentonville, assures the smooth, uninterrupted flow of currency out of this retail facility and into the pockets of Wal-Mart executives.

     “Why deal with local banks when we can ship the cash out every night?” asked one local manager.

     The chute, constructed of corrugated steel, features a money wash, a currency sorter and a system of intricate credit card checking devices aimed at fighting fraud. It rests under the hundred or more handicapped parking spaces in front of the store which are seldom used. Digital access is limited and withdrawals are virtually impossible.

     “One cannot imagine the dirty money we receive from the peasants in little burghs like this one,” said the source. “We need the further card verification since a great many of our regular shoppers are brainwashed consumption addicts and cannot be trusted to stay within credit limits.”

     Now when a consumer spends money here he can be assured that it is on it’s way to Bentonville, often before he/she gets through the check-out line.

     “There’s a lot of security in that,” said the manager. “The other surviving retailers can’t claim that!”

     A ribbon-cutting is scheduled for Memorial Day Weekend (You bet we’re open) which will be attended by representatives of the World Wrestling Federation. The WWF and Wal-Mart have recently signed a non-aggression pact, vowing to support the War on Terrorism and preserve our American way of life. Some 12 million flags will be for sale.

     “When we suck all the money out of this town we’ll move on with out new chute carefully in tow.

– Kashmir Horseshoe