Utopia Mart Opening Saturday

(Montrose) A retail outlet promising eternal bliss is slated to open its doors this weekend. Offering consumers everything from dill pickles to breathing machines, Utopia Mart expects to control the consumer tide in just about a month.

“They even have people that will chew your food for you,” said one mad consumer who was camped out in the parking lot. “Wanna have a baby or fly to the moon?”

“Everything you could ever need to live a full life,” said another shopper, “and the pharmacy is nothing short of uplifting.