Bedwedder-Toole looks solid on Bingo Platform

(Wimpton UPS) With his heralded slogan “Ostracize Ignorance” under his arm, Melvin Bedwedder-Toole looks like a cinch to be the next dog catcher here.

“His nomination was the key” said House Squeaker Errol Herring, beaming with curious sound bytes, simpleton phrases and weak metaphors. “Now his election is a lock.”

Even with the the mildly annoying bow-tie and suspender getup he attracts a lot of attention within the female electorate and, although a mindless twit, secures carelessly cast votes on the basis of perceived persona and a deep understanding of cosmetics.

“I don’t know,” quipped Bedwedder-Toole, “but since I began wearing a medical mask I meet a lot more single women. I must have been butt ugly without one.”

Toole had his face done in 2001 and his forehead enlarged in 2015.

The clear choice of the big-bellied party bosses and the emaciated foot soldiers looking to retake the Senate, Toole is nothing more than partisan arm candy say detractors.

“What a campaign dumb slogan,” said one. “What’s up with the big, clumsy bird reference?” quacked one perplexed voter. “Isn’t this reference redundant? How does the intelligence level of one of these feather-duster, flightless birds translate?”

The sometime Earth Is Flat advocate takes a break in the Sechura Desert near Mancora, Peru in 2010

A former Know Nothing councilman from Moline before relocating to the Confront Range  Toole quickly filed papers claiming “proof the earth is flat” in 1998.

Readers may recall the “If it was round people would be falling over onto their noses”assertion of the day. Many will remember, with just a hint of irony, the controversial Fallen Noses Postulate which dictated foreign policy in these United States since the Philistine Insurrection of 1899.

Despite accusations that Toole has been killing pine beetles and selling the meat in Canada, his rival for the coveted animal control post has exhumed no dirt on the clean geneToole

In a related development: According to White House hominids new running mate Vladimir Putin has balked at accepting the vice presidential slot in November. Reeling from accusations that he has poisoned yet another political rival, this time Alexei Navalny, Putin has requested diplomatic refugee status. He hopes to open a vareniki shack like the ones in Coney Island, specializing in herring and vinegar this spring.

“He’s thinking of Rehoboth Beach or Kiptopeke with their burgeoning Russian populations,” said a spokesman for the banished Czar.

Pence was placed on Injured Reserve Thursday after a 10-round wrestling match with Nancy Pelosi. Reportedly his makeup cracked and cannot be repaired. Now even Trump can see through him. Pence had purchased a one-way ticket to Mars but has settled for his Indianapolis estate to practice extended self-isolation/obligatory meditation.

–  Tiny Tagalog