TOOLE DRINKS FIFTH BEFORE HOUSE PANEL

(Washington) Downgraded cardboard billionaire Melvin Toole has covered his country’s delinquent debt to the United Nations, it was disclosed in quart this afternoon. Toole, appearing before Judge Harold Airbag on a series of dog-at-large infractions, wrote a personal check the outstanding amount, estimated to be three billion dollars.

“Upon further investigation we found out that these United States still owed money to the United Kingdom, the United Arab Republic, United Airlines, The League of Nations ($35 in flowers for George Clemenceau’s funeral, 1929), The National League and an assortment of exotic liquor companies.

“That’s why I’m drinking in your quartroom,” he sparked. I just got a letter from the IRS. Drinking steadies my nerves.”