Things not to do while visiting Western Colorado this winter

Welcome visitors. Ski season is peaking out. Here are a few tips on how to get along better with the residents without surrendering impulsivity, dollars or your great sense of humor.

Never order the moose steak. These animals have just recently joined our Rocky Mountain fauna guest list and it would be rude. Try the beef or trout but if you must have wild game tell your waiter to bring you a rack of antelope ribs. We are closing out these flimsy mammals to make room for new merchandise this spring.

Don’t talk about “climate catastrophe” in public. It offends the sleepwalkers. It is also a good idea not to discuss anything that might force these people to think. Leave politics for the bar flies and bench philosophers.

Do not talk about Tommy knockers, cave spirits, Jackalopes, hidden gold or haunted mine shafts. It is a sensitive subject with most of us and does not concern you. Better to talk about the weather, sports or what you’re having for breakfast tomorrow with your green chilies.

Don’t dress up like a cowboy unless you have a horse in tow. If someone challenges you to a gunfight go to your hotel and wait there until the smoke clears. Oversize belt buckles can get you in real trouble if you get too close to the magnetic pull of the Continental Divide.

Cozy up to an ATM machine upon arrival. Always take out the highest amount allowable. It could snow and close the banks. Be sure to locate a pharmacy if you need prescription drugs. With the legalization on marijuana they are soon to be a thing of the past.

Never bitch about the roads. We know they’re bad and we also know about priorities, corruption and the difficulty transporting asphalt over the Great Divide. The roads are better on the Front Range because that’s where the money resides.

When entering a marijuana dispensary be cool and keep it simple. When leaving, don’t linger. Don’t smoke in the car or on the pavement. Pot may be legal but there are regulations and common sense restrictions. Try the cantaloupe stew or the pinto bean poppers when traveling to the pot store. Crime has dropped significantly since using marijuana is no longer a crime.

Don’t approach celebrities. Give them their space and their privacy. That includes self-made celebrities and those who think they are of that cloth. Never listen to the advice of a newcomer. They are just tourists with local post office boxes.

Never say anything like “Well, you can’t eat the scenery” or “Why are there all those deer on the highway at night?” Instead say: “Pass the jalapeños, Roy.”

Be nice, genuinely nice. We have all seen tourists trying to be cool. It’s ugly. Nice will get you everything you need. Relax and enjoy. You could even lie and tell locals how much you enjoy watching CU football. Coloradans are among the happiest people on the continent. Don’t rock the stage coach.

If you’re going for a drink go to the noisy bar not the fern bar. There are 20 rivers whose headwaters begin in Colorado. That makes us very thirsty. Purchase rounds whenever given the chance. Happy hours are worth it and should relive the pressure on the imbiber’s wallet.

Never forget your coat. Just because it’s 50 degrees at 3 o’clock doesn’t mean it will stay at that level. Once outside the bar the outstanding microbrews won’t keep you warm for long.

The sun and altitude won’t hurt you unless you are abusive. Drink lots of water and hold off on the booze for 24 hours after your elevation shift. Wear sunscreen but leave the fur boots and doggie sweaters at home.

Do not wear shirts and caps that say Texas or Oklahoma on them. Most people already know where you came from by the way you speak and do not need constant reminders.

Don’t pet dogs in back of pickups unless you are intimate with the dog.

Always return waves from other motorists on back roads. Take dirt roads over highways and forget the classic four-wheel-drive passes until at least mid-June.

Don’t tailgate. Yes, we know we are throwbacks with one-lane roads everywhere. Honor all stop signs since we can’t afford proper traffic lights. Your SUV is not bulletproof. Don’t drink and drive.

Never preface a sentence with “Back in (Moline) where I come from we…” Remember that one third of the state is owned and managed by the Feds. If someone asks your opinion on that just order more green chilies and a Coors.

Remember: The actions of these hick cops will stand up in court when you get back to civilization.