The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

“Oysters or Chestnuts?”

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The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa

Tarzan: Welcome local Apes and Orangutans from across the river and all the cousins from England.

Jane: Yes, indeed, we are all very happy that you have made the journey to our crowded tree house.

Tarzan: Yes…very happy.

Jane: Well, Tarzan, it’s time to carve the turkey.

Tarzan: Where my knife?

Jane: I have a special electric knife, dear. It is much easier.

Tarzan: But tree house have no electricity.

Jane: Please Tarzan; just go along this one time. Everyone is expecting us to be modern, up-to-date.

Tarzan: Tarzan throwback, not modern. Not like modern. Tarzan cooperative. Tarzan wear shirt. That enough.

Jane: Tarzan, you do the honors with the bird. Just cut along the dotted line…

Tarzan: Where dotted line?

Jane: It’s a joke, darling. There is no dotted line on poultry. Cheetah! Stop playing with your food and bring another bottle of palm wine, please.

Tarzan: Cheetah not playing with food. Monkey mashing bananas.

Jane: Whatever for? We have sweet potatoes, grilled eggplant, stuffed bird, cauliflower, rolls, pumpkin pie and giblet gravy.

Tarzan: Monkey waiting for gravy. She like to cover bananas in gravy.

Jane: Oh. Well, thank you all for coming. Let’s make a toast. Tarzan, could you see what’s taking Cheetah so long with the wine.

Tarzan: Monkey not real deep….like wine right out of the bottle, gravy on bananas and swinging in trees. Not much else.

Jane: Let us be thankful for all we have. Oh, and here comes the palm wine. What are a little gravy-soaked bananas among friends, heh?

–Lady Greystoke