Tar, feathers feel heavy affects of trade war

Both imported tar and foreign feathers have jumped ahead of steel and aluminum on the Doomsday Machiavellian Chart according to a published report released today. The two distinct commodities, often linked due to dark symbiotic capabilities, were ranked as number one and two by leading  economists desperately hoping to make sense of new fiscal imbalances among the world’s 15 largest wealth sources.

The constant shifting of traditional markets, as well as the certain fallout from aggressive dismantling of primary systems has pressed experts to seek a more binding predictions for what is heading for a global nightmare.

“We understand imbalance of trade, precocious tariffs and the desire to curtail runaway inflation in emerging nations,” said Professor Lester Fluffe, of the Susan B. Anthony School of Statistics. “We see the planet is one big garden producing just enough to feed everyone. Then we see unaware nibblers chewing on the fringes. Soon there is not enough. Is government a profit and loss venture?”

Fluffe joined a quorum of scientists and mathematicians who warn that whatever goes up must come down. They say raising import taxes on one end will simply result in an equal or greater adjustment at the other ended, aside from bruised feelings, the golden arrangement will remain much the same.

“There is a simple formula for coexistence in a world teetering on imbalance,” explained bank examiner, Dr. Barb Raile, author of Hoover and Coolidge in the Dust Bowl. “That is consistency. Even the most elementary structure cannot withstand the constant barrage of the anti-intellectual or the know nothing.”

Both academics went on to say that the idea of a trade embargo would do little to reset the money flow since every reaction must be countered and every stab in the back plugged up in the field.

“Weapons in the hands of the mad or uneducated often take on minds of their own,” said Fluffe, who stopped short of identifying leaders generating these trade restrictions.

Meanwhile the current resident of the White House continues to talk about building walls, arming teachers, cutting social programs and the extraction of fossil fuels from formerly protected areas.

“It seems a bit ironic that the very elements adversely affected by one action are often a common component of a larger and more definitive reaction,” frowned Raile, not bending when exhorted to reveal her sources or her targets.

– Alfalfa Romero

“Gradually I came to realize that people will more readily swallow lies than the truth as if the taste

of lies was homey appetizing: a habit.”

    – Martha Gelhorn, war correspondent (1908 – 1998)