All Entries Tagged With: "WSCU"
WSCU Rated Number 3 Party School
Mid-Week Category
(Gunnison) Western State University of Colorado has been rated # 3 in a national poll focused on student behavior. The poll, centered on the mid-week party atmosphere rated Western higher than many larger institutions including the University of Colorado and the University of Wisconsin, two perennial standouts.
Finishing ahead of Western, one and two respectively, were Cal Amari University and Wabash Polygamy Institute. Last year’s winner Jerry Lewis College of Durango, did not do well, ending up at #103 due to a breakdown in communication between the administration and the faculty who failed to establish class attendance norms.
“When kids are expected to go to afternoon classes in the middle of the week the status of party school will undoubtedly suffer,” said Myrna Clocken, a fixture at the school since 1904. “Just wait,” she prodded. “Next year we’ll be back, especially if we can drop those bothersome math and science requirements.”
Plans to schedule all classes between 10 am and 11 am in 2023 should keep Western State at the top of the party heap. In addition a government decision to include alcohol on the list of items legally purchased with food stamps should have quite an impact too.
“Many Western State alumni will go on to fill important recreational positions in the real world after graduation,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a visiting lecturer in the Department of Social Chaos. “We want to give them the tools to succeed even if we have to stay up all night doing it.”
A short ceremony acknowledging the high ranking will take place at the Colorado School of Mimes football match-up in October.
– Sergio Jingles
Tenure Records Gone
(Gunnison) Verification of faculty tenure at Western State University is pretty much anyone’s guess these days with the disclosure that the Tenure Tabernacle has been misplaced. Blamed on maintenance personnel, the loss could affect future teaching agreements, academic contracts and research grants.
“It was here just the other day,” said one rather pompous administrator who only gave her name as Doctor someone.
The arch, or tabernacle as it is called by the faithful, was moved once in July when the threat of forest fire was at its highest.
“Since we are a state institution we must adhere to state regulations when it comes to fire,” said the administration spokesman. “That means we have to keep at least two buckets of tepid water and a folding shovel below the steps at Taylor Hall.”
Tenure is the magic status that allows faculty members to do whatever they want without having to answer to the people who write the checks. Some students have attained a kind of tenure at WSC by taking six or seven years to complete a four-year curriculum.
A strip search, planned for on-campus dorms was canceled Friday after threats from the Civil Liabilities Union. Legend has it that the tenure records were engraved on two sets of stoned tablets believed to be sent down from W Mountain (www.mountain.com) after one football coach or the other led the Department of Kinesiology out of slavery at Adams State College, splitting Blue Mesa in two to make good an escape) long before you were born.
A popular film, entitled The Ten Regents loosely chronicles the event. It stars Charlatan Festoon and will be presented during NRA Week on campus in April.
A reward in the form of tuition credits is offered for the return of the sacred chest.
– Jack Spratt
