White Supremacists Negotiate Greenland Purchase

(Nuuk) A previously unknown White Supremacist cell, that until last week had meekly operated in far reaches of northern Maine, is now conducting negotiations with longtime landlord Denmark for the purchase of the Greenland.

Fear of a woman or another minority ascending to the White House appears to have been the conduit for the move. An estimated 500 legions are said to be ready to take possession of the frozen giant “one way of another”, according to uniformed militia, amassed on hundreds of small vessels along the cold, rocky coast.

“We’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse,” said one old salt, sitting on a his ship’s only lifeboat in Baffin Bay. “We don’t need food either because we’re tough and accustomed to foraging.”

Greenland, located between the Arctic and Atlantic Oceans, is the largest island in the world if one considers Australia to be a continent. Most of its population are Inuit and speak a bastardized Greenlandic that even the bearded seals and musk oxen don’t understand.

“If the Danes don’t come to terms we’ll storm the place.” pledged several of the Aryans. “It worked in Poland.”

According to a recent statement the group first looked into acquiring the Falkland Islands (Islas Malvinas if you are Argentine) but the Brits weren’t interested in selling. Africa was out since former colonial experiments there have failed miserably. “Southern Chile or even the Cook Islands showed promise but they are too far south to pick up Rush Limbaugh or other rightist heroes on the radio.”

“We are seeking an Aryan Utopia,” explained one man busily loading shells into an amphibious craft, a nation of armed utopians are we.”

The Danish government had no official comment on the proceedings. Many leaders there privately conveyed hopes along with fears that with the rapid warming of the planet Greenland might have palm trees, sandy beaches and a tropical air about it in no time at all.

Although Greenland was granted home rule Denmark still manipulates the island’s icy purse strings. That tiny European country controls foreign policy and most importantly monetary policy.

“We could have another Miami Beach up there on the Arctic,” said one critics of the transfer. “Think of all the white hotels and the beautiful people dropping money from the sky!”

“We have been baby-sitting the place since the early 18th Century and would like to at least recoup our initial investments,” he said. “These upstarts are offering little more than carfare. Selling the island now makes about as much sense as charging a herd of rhinoceros with an ax handle.”

– Mr. Ha Ha

Great praise for the Horseshoe Website:

“Riveting”

– International Welding Review

“Intoxicating”

– Popular Bartending

“The most concise waste of time
since the birdbaths of Carthage.”

– History Channel

“A stupendous balancing act”

– Flying Farcheezie Bulletin

“Consistently stupid”

– Radio KDAT

“White boy writing at its best”

– Vacant Lot Magazine

“Uplifting, a fun read.”

– The (Edwin) Meese Report on Pornography
proving once and for all that evolution is not for everyone.

“There are no dull subjects, only dull writers.”
– H.L. Mencken

Liver and onion wagon falls into surging East River

(Crested Butte) Ed didn’t see it coming. That’s what he told police after crashing his infamous Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon into the East River just south of here. According to his testimony on the scene Ed (no last name given) was driving his tri-axle food cart along Highway 135 at about 25 miles per hour when the accident occurred.

“The wagon hasn’t moved much faster ever since the emergency brake got stuck near Leadville in 1969,” said Ed. “Sure, I’ve got a 350 Chevy engine under the hood but that drag is persistent and I don’t want to put any more money into her.”

According to a police report Ed was doing fine, minding his own business until he came upon a speed limit sign, reading 40 miles per hour, just past Crested Butte South.

“When I noticed the sign I sped up to 40 so as to adhere to the law,” continued Ed. “It was then that I felt the rear end shift and all that liver moving around unchecked. In a matter of minutes I was off the road, down the embankment and into the river. The water was cold.”
Local health officials are testing the waters at present to determine if contamination has taken place.

“The high concentration of grease on that public nuisance wagon may cause some problems down river but at this time all the fish are present and accounted for,” said a source at Roaring Judy Hatchery, an alleged front for CIA operations in the valley. “Doesn’t Ed know that the speed limits aren’t to be taken literally and are up to the personal discretion of each driver?”

A dispatcher for the Highway Patrol told the Horseshoe that she had never heard of anyone speeding up to be in compliance with posted limits. She said Ed seemed disoriented when interviewed by officers but was in good shape otherwise following his dip.

“It’s the first real bath I’ve had since my wife ran off with a sausage man in 1990,” said Ed, who was the only eye witness to the mishap.
From first observation it appears that the cart, which was towed out of the river this afternoon, is a total loss.

“I was barely able to recover any of my provisions and I almost forfeited my Russian Wolfhound to that raging river,” said Ed, who claimed losses in the $400,000 range. “Right now I’m searching for another food cart or the summer will be a thing of the past.”

The water-logged cart, which had been registered in Utah, has been brought to the new Crested Butte Visitors’ Center where it will be on display until new furniture arrivesfrom Denver in August.

– Small Mouth Bess

First cell phone implant at Mao Clinic

The first-ever surgical cellphone implant procedure has been completed with doctors and hospital officials here calling it a great success. The controversial methods employed are still under review although the patient seems to be up and moving around.
The modus operandi involves making a small incision near the eyelid and installing the software. After that phase is completed the cellular device is loaded from the back of the skull where another cut is made along the tissue seams and under the hairline.

“The process may cause some lingering pain and adventures in vertigo but for the most part we are pleased with early detections and pre-op discoveries, Said Dr. Phillip Lackluster of Mao Clinic. “Sure the surgery is exploratory but what isn’t these days? I’ll tell you, when it was over, I felt like Superman coming out of the phone booth,” he said alluding to tele- communicative ancient history.

Already three of the nation’s largest communications companies have offered unlimited minutes if the still unidentified recipient will endorse their product. It was not clear what type of plan might be constructed or what other arrangements will be necessary to create a strong signal while expanding the calling area.

Lackluster then told The Horseshoe that convenience appears to have won out over natural health.

“It’s all a bit messy at this stage but we hope to improve our skills as we go,” explained the surgon. “The demand for this medical procedure is growing as we speak. Our test case may feel a little nausea and some cramping for a few weeks but it is unlikely that he will miss any phone calls.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

99 House Republicans Beach Selves

In what is being called instinctual suicide, 99 House Republicans beached themselves on a remote spot off the coast of North Carolina this morning. The former legislators began arriving at dawn, hurling themselves out of the breaking waves and onto the waiting sand.

Gasping for air and exhausted the fat ones expired first, followed by the young firebrands. Soon slippery, flipping bodies littered the area, prompting law enforcement officials to call for cranes and bulldozers to aid in the clean-up. Onlookers, some of who voted Republican in the last election expressed shock and awe on the scene.

The action represents the first time politicians have ended their existence en masse and Washington insiders say it is only the beginning. Many frightened Democrats had threatened to join the beaching but were afraid of the water and stayed away. The rescue effort and clean up were hampered due to polluted waters. Republicans blamed to EPA.

“Good people do not beach themselves,” said one unreliable source who demanded animosity.

“We haven’t conducted business since 2008, quacked a surviving Congressman from Colorado. “It was apparent last month that something was in the wings but we didn’t expect mass destruction.

GOP leaders, including Trump, Pence, Ryan, Sessions and McConnell promised to go down with the boys but reneged at the last moment, whisking off to Florida in an unmarked jet. That leaves a Democrat majority in the lower governing body.

Empty Congressional seats will be filled with sandbags until a special election can be held.

“We have 99 replacements set to replace them but the damned Communist Constitution will not allow it,” said a Trump Whitehouse spokesman who blamed Obama for the incident.

The news comes on the heels of an announcement that The Concussion Rule will not be activated anytime soon and will apply only to Senate.

– Pepper Salte

An Bang kitchen

Linger a while in the shade and the tropical breeze. Somone is sure to make a scruptious noodle dish before long.