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Trump Creeps Ahead of Putin in Bible Sales

With the final competition winding down Donald Trump remains slightly ahead of Vladimir Putin in the 2024 Sinner’s Salvation Bible Sales Competition.

In his rookie season, Putin, who has always been thought of as an party-line atheist, has shown keen response and swift service depending on which way the wind blows. Trump, on the other hand is an old hand at flimflam and was highly favored to dominate the competition only days ago.

Both men are friends of a sort, often working together to achieve mutually beneficial ends and keep hold on power in their respective nations. Each has targeted control groups that are most likely to drop $60 on a Bible.

While Putin’s Bibles are Russian Orthodox and feature photos of Joe Stalin, Vladimir Lenin Boris Yeltsin and Rasputin. He has achieved almost methodical success relying only on the passage “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” which appeals to many Russians who have neither. Trump’s holy books feature copies of the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights which neither has perused. Some contain discount coupons to fast food restaurants.

Already a majority of consumers have expressed dissatisfaction with the quality of the Bibles, made in Saudi Arabia. Some of Putin’s stock are regularly derailed and sent to gulags. Some show up late, with pages missing. Some shipments of Trump Bibles are no more than recycled Beijing phone books, according to middlemen in Singapore.

Meanwhile Mouse Democrats who haven’t bought any Bibles at all, say the two leaders will meet in on the western shore of Ellef Ringnes Island in the Sverdrup Islands, in the territory of Nunavut in Canada and be eaten by polar bears, fortunate enough to have survived global warming up until now.

They have accused Trump of aggravated raison d etat with respect to “lies, last breaths and 18th Century pistol duels”. Putin’s sales figures remain astounding considering his limited knowledge of the content of the scriptures.

“Frankly, since it wasn’t about me, I saw no reason to read the thing,” he shared through a translator.