All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green the Answer Man
How many national legal holidays do we have?
Mercury Man, Gunnison
Dear M. Man
Strictly speaking, there are no national legal holidays in the United States, not even the Fourth of July. The Federal Government has no Constitutional power to prescribe legal holidays in the various States. It can make holidays legal only in the District of Columbia and in the Territories. Even the Presidential proclamation designating a day of Thanksgiving each year does not make that day a national legal holiday. For commercial purposes the Federal Government in various acts of Congress has recognized Labor Day, Christmas, New Year’s Day, Washington’s Birthday, Memorial Day and the Fourth of July as public holidays. That is as far as the Federal Government can go. There is no general statute on the subject. Sometimes the term national legal holiday is loosely applied to holidays, such as some of those mentioned above, which have been made legal holidays in every State and in the District of Columbia and all the Territories, and which are therefore, in one sense, both national and legal.
Dear Mr. Green
Which is sweeter, cane or beet sugar
Delta Dawn
Dear Dawn:
Contrary to a widespread popular belief, there is no difference in sweetness between pure cane sugar and pure beet sugar. Completely refined sugar made from sugar beets and completely refined sugar made from sugar cane are identical in chemical composition. Only in the unrefined product is there any difference. According to the United States Bureau of Chemistry and Soils, the ordinary granulated sugar of commerce, regardless of whether it is made from beets or cane, consists essentially of sucrose, the better grades running as high as 99.8%, and contains such extremely small amounts of other substances that is is practically impossible to distinguish beet sugar from cane sugar either chemically or by physical appearance. the Bureau has been unable to find any evidence indicating that one of these sugars is sweeter than the other.
Dear Pea Green
What was the species of the forbidden fruit?
Roberto Melon, Kansas
Bob,
The Bible does not give the name of the species of the forbidden fruit which Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden. It refers merely to the fruit of “The tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Tradition says the forbidden fruit was an apple. In the East, however, there is a belief that the tree of knowledge mentioned in the Bible was a banana plant and that the serpent which tempted Eve hid in a bunch of the fruit. This legend obviously influenced the early classifiers of bananas who designated two species—Musa paradisiaca (Fruit of Paradise) and Musa sapientum (Fruit of Knowledge). Some writers are of the opinion that Musa Sapientum was originally intended to allude to a statement made by the Greek Philosopher Theophrastus respecting a fruit, supposedly the banana, which served as food for the ancient wise men of India.
LOCAL SKI CARTELS ANNOUNCE SEASON PASS INCENTIVES
(Mt. Crested Butte) Crested Butte Ski Resort has big plans to increase season pass sales this winter. In what many are calling a quick fix response to lower lift ticket prices across the industry, the ski giant will give away trips, gear and appliances with the purchase of a pass between now and mid-December.
For example: If a prospective season pass holder buys what amounts to a Gold Pass, by industry standards he could receive, absolutely free, a microwave oven or a television set. A lower commitment would then net a toaster or a weekend in Grand Junction.
“We feel that this gesture puts another human face on the ski industry as a whole,” said Exhale T. Hollandaise, one of over 400 vice-presidents here. “Our marketing budget is already stretched way out of proportion by June and this incentive concept should relive some of the pressure. This is progressive. This is cutting edge marketing right out of the box!”
All the other VPs were busy E-mailing each other and could not comment on these developments.
One local skier, Marcia McQuiggly-Mogul, received a pair of goggles and some sun screen when she purchased season passes for her family.
“Those were some damned expensive goggles,” she frowned, “but of course the price does include four months of skiing.”
A drop in season lift ticket prices at nearby Monarch seems to have precipitated the move toward more lucrative options. Also, a well-guarded drop in skier days is said to have prompted the decision here at CBMR.
“We’re canning the circus bigtop approach, and instead giving our bread and butter skiers a gift at the ticket window,” tactfully whispered marketing ace, Angela Wahoo.
Unreliable sources at the Grand Butte/Marriott/Club Med/Bates Hotel say that facility will reserve all incentive packages
for their less motivated employees who often forget to come to work, unless it happens to be payday.
Whether or not these dubious approaches will revolutionize the one-horse sideshow remains to be seen, but already hundreds of skiers are walking away from the ticket window loaded down with everything from insulated gloves to digital clock radios. Some will be put to good use in homes and hotel rooms while most will be sold on the thriving black market down in Gunnison.
Meanwhile over in ultra-trendy Vail, prices will remain high unless there’s no snow and then they will miraculously drop to almost nothing. (Don’t forget: Two bank/investment references are required to ski the back bowls on weekends – Just ask your broker to file Form 445-3ADB with the business office). In Aspen, where a registered pedigree, and often real estate license, doubles as a lift ticket. “Just put it on my room”, well-heeled skiers say, generally donating awards such as trips, gear and appliances to the indigent over in No Name, before getting on the chairlift.
“The days of the dirt bag winter sports enthusiast are over,” said Wahoo. “Today’s skier/snowboarder is looking for instant gratification, you know the full tilt experience without fighting the hordes on the slopes. He doesn’t mind paying a little more money for a little more thrill and that includes walking away with a new toaster oven or a DVD player.”
In a related piece, LaPlata County authorities have arrested three New Mexico men who attempted to buy a case of season passes with food stamps. Although at first thrown in jail, the three have been bailed out and adopted by employee-desperate restaurants here. They will reportedly start work Friday.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Cuando morimos, ¿nuestras contraseñas van con nosotros?
La mayoría de nosotros, incluso aquellos que luchan contra ella, están cargados con una variedad de contraseñas de Internet, muchas de las cuales tienen poca claridad o un propósito en cuanto a seguridad o acceso. Parecen ser simplemente otro abrazo de la realidad que nos arranca de la naturaleza y nos obliga a estar un poco más desconectados del ser humano. No importa si los queremos o no. Se han convertido en parte de nuestras vidas al igual que la hierba de cangrejo y el desayuno en la carrera.
Encontrar una hipérbole sin aliento de esta naturaleza oscura es una cosa, mientras que caer por el agujero del conejo de la seguridad sin sentido es completamente diferente. ¿Necesitamos una contraseña para comprar una barra de pan o un automóvil nuevo? ¿Qué pasa si una persona olvida su contraseña de baño o la contraseña en su sacacorchos?
Armado con páginas de contraseñas, los humanos están fuera de moda, reemplazados por aplicaciones de computadoras y robots. Las predicciones futuristas sobre chips en nuestras frentes no son tan descabelladas. El próximo mes: ¿Fue eso saintpeterpearlygates.com? o beelzebub@hellshalfacre.org?
Trump Administration pasa la fecha de caducidad
Un anuncio esta mañana de que la Administración Trump había pasado peligrosamente su fecha de vencimiento dejó al personal corriendo y los curiosos se preguntaban. No estaba claro si hoy era el día o si la fecha de lanzamiento había pasado.
“Está claramente marcado en el interior de los lazos del presidente”, dijo un demócrata invertebrado. “Él sabía.”
La mayoría de la gente está de acuerdo en que las acciones de la actual Casa Blanca son solo una distracción para que los ricos de este país puedan ganar más dinero a costa de los pobres. Parece estar funcionando. Solo en el Washington Post hubo siete titulares que mostraron la palabra T.
Mientras tanto, una tanga escasa de manifestantes sostenía pancartas que decían: No vendas después de esta fecha. Parece muy temprano para decir si The Wall. la derogación de Obamacare, la reforma tributaria y las investigaciones rusas se vieron realzadas por la publicidad y los ecos del próximo Apocalipsis.
“Estas son melodías de ascensor familiares que acechan en el fondo de las actuaciones de las sillas musicales en la Casa Blanca”, agregó el ya mencionado demócrata. “Teniendo en cuenta la locura, todos podríamos estar sobreviviendo pronto en lo que sea que podamos tener en nuestras manos en ese momento. Las fechas de caducidad significan poco para los analfabetos. Yo mismo llevo un tanque lleno de gasolina y una bolsa de viaje en mi jet. Escuché que Marte está bien en esta época del año “.
Para piezas retransmitidas, pase a Congressional IQ Test Comes Back Negative
WHY CAN’T DOW FEED THE BEAR?
(Ouray) They feed the deer and elk when the snow’s up to their arses so why can’t the Division of Wildlife feed the black bear? Is there some secret that we civilians have not considered or has the possibility not been explored? Are they short of berries too?
Every year bear have to be destroyed when they venture into RV magic poodle lands, alleys and town garbage dumps. Hey, the bruins aren’t looking to start trouble. They don’t want to show up spiffy at your autumn barbecue to socialize. They’d rather slide in after everyone else has gone home to clean up the mess. They don’t want to rub elbows with people. They just want a snack.
Lots of snacks as it works out.
Right now bear need to put on enough weight to stop Oprah Winfrey mid-sentence. They are on deadline to add enough flab to make it through the hibernation time. Well there’s just not enough natural forage out there in the rain-choked forests. In addition, bear are curious and enjoy a trip into town in early morning and the evening.
Grub and a stroll. Now who would fault these fury monsters for that? THE TRANQUILIZER? Couldn’t the tag-happy DOW drop food a safe distance outside town sites and detour the bear before they get into trouble? We’re sure there are countless by-the-book reasons but lettuce proceed…
The other approach is to continue to take target practice on mischievous bears in trees who would probably wander back into the woods sooner or later if people would simply let them be. DOW marksmen shoot the bear with tranquilizer darts that put them to sleep and, at least in theory, do no harm to the animal.
Unfortunately the beasts didn’t read the small print. They soon nod out and fall from their perch like a bag of rocks often breaking their necks. They then have to be destroyed. All in a day’s work?
All we’re asking for here is a few dead cows, a helicopter load of apples and a handful of magic beans.
In closing, be advised that wearing bells and clanging pans to prevent contact with hungry bear in the wilds has been found to be less than effective if one is carrying aromatic foods such as trail mix or peanut butter sandwiches. The concept of puffing up and waving arms to make oneself appear larger than life in the event a confrontation with a bear is also of equal impact. Rule of thumb: If you want to keep your thumbs (and the rest of your hide) avoid fish-based eau de cologne and/or honey flavored shampoo when in bear country, which is most likely your own backyard.
– Rocky Flats
Washington May Change Name
(Seattle) Nothing against George, but the state of Washington is seriously considering a name change. Concerned about the negative association with the other, more fouled up Washington, leaders in the Evergreen State have succeeded in getting the proposal on the November ballot.
Among the ideas for a new name are Columbia, Cascade, Olympia, Chinook, Rainier and Yakima. One splinter group off another splinter group that seeks to join Canada, has proposed to name the state Juan de Fuca, after a Spanish explorer who claimed present day Washington for Spain in 1775. Critics say that name would open the door to all kinds of off-color jokes.
Located in the Northwestern United States, far from the shores of the Potomac, Washington just might pull off this daring coup. At press time it looks doubtful that the United States, already up to its hips in foreign entanglements, will send troops to quell the semantic disruptions.
“First we thought about all-out secession but it didn’t work out so well for the South 140 years ago,” said Abraham Grande-Coulee, self-appointed patriarch of the movement. “Then we thought about joining up with Canada but they’re so British, with the Queen and all, you know. Our Irish-American contingent would never go for that one. Finally it was agreed upon that we would stay where we are in a political sense and distance ourselves linguistically from the imperialists on the East Coast.”
Grande-Coulee went on to express concern that peoples in other nations might confuse mountainous, forested Washington state with flat, barren Washington DC.
“In the days of a shrinking planet we don’t need that kind of public relations image,” he said.
Federal sources say they’ll take a wait and see approach to the development despite fears that other “at risk” states might join in the fray. Already New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota have expressed passing interest in a name change.
“We can understand that the people there want their own name and not something already taken,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-MA). “To some it would appear that the name Washington was chosen as an afterthought, out of a hat as it were. Maybe they’ll decide on Jefferson. He was nice.” -Melvin O’Toole
Inventor of Beanie Weenies squashed by cement truck
(Cimarron) The headline says it all and, although there were no eye-witnesses, conjecture has it that 98-year-old Abdule “Mickey” Silkworme should have been a little quicker on his feet. At least he should have had the where-with-all to outrun a slow-moving cement truck.
Just moments after the impact, Silkworme was scooped off Highway 50 and delivered to St. Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital at Montrose. The driver of the truck, suspected in connection with hit-and-run charges, since he was not anywhere to be found, was not identified.
Labor issues between weenies and baked beans have exploded of late over equal pay and a 35-hour work week. Dog-and-Bean attorneys for the popular food concerns say “corporate responsibility does not end with canning” and admitted that a exclusive diet of beanie weenies may lead to serious health issues down the road.
“How many concrete trucks could there have been in the vicinity at the time of the crash,” asked a local deputy. “We’ll find the person responsible and pull his plug.”
Silkworme is expected to survive (since nobody dies in Horseshoe news stories). Relatives expressed relief saying they had already pulled the tab on his tin coffin and were expecting a tidy inheritance by the weekend.”
– Sir Otis of Liver