All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

RATING THE PORTA POTTIES

(The following is a local review of the porta-johns in our natural forests aimed at making your temporary stay a fulfilling one. Each facility is rated on the basis of general cleanliness, aroma, seating capacity, flies, the presence of tissue and overall motif.)

Deer Lakes, Slumgullion Pass: Quite clean as of bow season with air freshener provided by Mother Nature. Plenty of toilet paper and even a small mirror. Seating could be a problem. Some spaced out flies. Nice wallpaper.

Billy Creek: Screens on the window, one roll of floral toilet paper left, along with a 1963 calender. No air freshener available, because someone pried the dispenser off the wall. Situated on a flat surface for a comfortable stay.

Yankee Boy Basin: Locked. Premium pay site just over the next rise.

Paradise Basin: A beneficial redoubt for campers. Once used by Otto Mears. Magazine rack full of U.S. Department of Interior pamphlets. Lots of flies, but a well-stocked array of colored toilet paper. Needs a good pumping out as is evidenced by the presence of complaints scribbled on the wall.

Gothic Campground: No door knob, and the spring needs attention. Very few flies, due to continued use. Excellent graffiti. Seats six. Newly painted in a cheerful brown. Although engineered for optimum flow, its horizontal layout makes doing one’s business a little less than enjoyable.

Daisy Mill Campsites: No porta-john is present but the existence of many suitable logs saves the day. Watch for ticks.

Bridal Veil: Great views from the throne. Running water. Carpet needs to be vacuumed, and the drapes are really faded. FAX machine. No pets. Pack rats have taken over the attic. Smells a lot like a Chinese restaurant.

Swampy Pass: Great place to catch a nap as the commode pulls out into a bed. Attached garage quite functional on colder nights. Limited use facility. Please regulate the use of lime. Fly swatter on left wall. Incredible acoustics.

Duffer Attempts Bank Robbery With 7-Iron

(Montrose) When a man tried to rob Who’s On First National Bank with a seven-iron yesterday, he wasn’t expecting a golf lesson.

     The unidentified culprit, now in police custody, admitted that he was severely handicapped by tedious water hazards and hungry fairway bunkers that dotted the course ahead.

     “That’s too much club, mister. What are you doing brandishing a seven-iron when you are only 50 yards from the flag?” guffawed a veteran teller at the fiscal institution. “Open the club face. Bend your knees. Only a duffer would show up with with such a choppy backswing.”

     Stunned at the quick and unsolicited critique, the would-be robber stopped in his tracks, staring down at a bulging cash drawer just feet away.

     “Yeah, you should have used a sand wedge. Where did you learn to play golf?” echoed a loan officer on her way to lunch. “You’ve got a chip shot through the lobby and then a short putt to the safe. What were you thinking?”

     The crook then produced a leather suitcase and gestured for it to be filled with cash.

     “Wait just a moment, sir,” blasted a second teller. “If you choke up instead of choking up you would have the loft you need. A good golfer always takes a moment or two to read the green before putting.”

     Just then the bank alarm sounded.

     “The police are here,” laughed the loan officer. “They do not want to play through. Maybe you should take a mulligan on this bogey hole. Try it again and finish your swing!”

     By the time the police had entered the building the robber had dropped his club and was close to tears. He looked around at his critics and agreed his long shots were short and his short game was long.

     “Maybe there’s a driving range where you’re going,” snickered another bank employee, “but I doubt it.”

     “That’s about par for the unenlightened criminal mind,” said the arresting officer who apprehended the alleged perpetrator when he hacked at the ATM machine with a hybrid fairway wood.

     “These kind of golfers never learn,” the cop pontificated. “His chances for that elusive birdie will have to wait. Consistent golf swings do not fare well even in minimum security.”

– Wendell Shanker

Bears Blamed For Donut Hole Heist

(Colona) Black bear, believed to have descended from Log Hill Mesa, are being blamed for the disappearance of over 6000 gourmet donut holes since the beginning of summer. The pilfering, which coincides with the opening of Zona de Colona Coffee House, had not been a problem in town since the railroad days.

Even though the holes are meticulously separated and stored in “bear-proof” containers the bruins come in at night and by morning they have run off with the glazed and sugared apertures. Law enforcement has been ineffective since the animals simply wait for stepped up patrols to pass through town then go back to their dirty work.

“We respect nature and all,” said one principal at the donut oasis, “but the nightly losses are killing us. The bottom line remains the same. Even a numbskull knows you can’t have donuts without donut holes!”

Many Colonese are at odds with Fish and Game, who they say coddle the bear. They like their morning ritual when dough becomes donut and do not appreciate the heavy-handed intrusion.

“When’s the last time one of these fury pests brought a box of donuts into work?” chided a local ranger. “People do it all the time. Bears get away with a lot of things because they are bears. Same goes for the moose but they don’t give a damn about donut holes, at least for now.”

– Patty Pettifogger

Solar Eclipse!

Despite news and rumors Wyoming gas stations were out of gas, hotels, campgrounds and RV parks were booked solid and the population of Wyoming doubled in the days prior to the solar eclipse we were determined to witness the event. We packed up the car, drove more than 600 miles and met up with family in Lander, Wyoming the day prior to the eclipse. Our little caravan continued to Pavilion which was smack dab in the middle of the eclipse?s path. After conferring with the good old boys in the Pavilion?s only bar, we drove to a local campground to spend the night. The next day we woke up to the spectacular orange glow of a sunrise that foreshadowed a morning long display of the sun?s majesty. Around 11:15am we watched through special glasses as the moon slowly moved across the sun. With each passing minute the temperature dropped and the sun?s light became dimmer. At 11:38am the light was completely dimmed. We were able to look at the sun with naked eyes and for two minutes were completely awestruck by the sun?s corona – light rays emanating outward; stars and planets visible. The sight was breathtaking. Soon enough, a sliver of intense light signaled the end of totality. While the 7 hour drive home stretched to 12 hours, we were happy for an experience that will not be forgotten. Photo compliments of Patrice Schell

Colorado Goes To Pot on Housing Shortages

(Reefer Mesa) Lawmakers here have unanimously approved a bill that would encourage the construction of small hemp houses. The first of the low-income/employee residences, built entirely of hemp grown in the state, is slated for inspection in time for ski season.

     The cottages, duplexes and apartments that will grace the mountains and valleys here give new credence to the concept of green. Abundant tax revenues, the result of burgeoning marijuana sales, will be applied to the program as needs become clear.

     Some say marijuana was more fun when it as illegal. Others remember the days when finding suitable housing here was academic. Today many Colorado residents are not smoking the stuff. We’re building houses with it.”

     Not only is the state spending tax revenue on housing but it is now the first state to approve the use of hemp as a building material.

     “The stuff is strong and malleable, lightweight, easy to acquire and eco-friendly, while costing almost nothing” said one state legislator who had initially opposed the arrangement. “We are not puffing around here. We are on the cutting edge. Other states will follow our success.”

     The Trump Administration, driven by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, has threatened to bulldoze the new structures if they are not compliant with federal restrictions on the use of controlled substances.

     “We love to frame out a new house with hemp stalks and insulate the whole dog with shake,” said a carpenter turned grower and designer.             – Tommy Middlefinger

Bank employees forced to work inside ATMs

(Montrose – Greenbacks Calling – August, 2017)

Colorado bank examiners expressed shock and dismay that a new kind of slave labor may be the rule and not exception to branch banking in Colorado.

A majority of fiscal watchdogs say tellers, account specialists, even loan officers are subjected to forced overtime “in the barrel” as the ATM duty is called by industry cynics.

Besides cramped working space, unwanted overtime, tedious boredom and the demands of repetitive mathematics the prisoners of the ATM are subjected to temperatures often reaching 140 degrees inside the machines.

“We are dealing with employees of pirate banks who may be trapped inside ATM machines for up to 10 hours, said a state banking official outside a local Wells Fargo facility. “And this is often on top of their regular shift.”

At first look it appears that most ATM machines are not set up for hands-on operation and the banks only resort to draconian measures upon high demand. However, the subject of fresh air, food, water and other life sustaining elements has not been undressed as of this morning.

Why the human participation has become paramount was not clear although full disclosures are said to be on the smoky horizon. Most consumers/account holders were under the impression that the ATM machines were set up to act independently of many financial institutions, especially when it comes to extended hours.

“The 24-hour ATM machines are a convenience that somehow, when the dust settles, all bank customers pay,” said one particularly agitated official. But this abuse of employees is another whole ball of wax. It’s an Orwellian corporate cost-saver that has gone berserk.”

On scene bank controllers were quick to add that this ATM scandal measures up as “minimum impact” compared with bank scams to set up unauthorized accounts, loans and issue high interest credit cards to unsuspecting patrons.

The Colorado Banking Commission has issued a gag order on the entire investigation until and level of intent can be determined and executive guilt established.

“The regular corporate approach of creating scapegoats will not fly here,” they said. “Someone made the initial decision and someone will pay.”

Meanwhile affected bank employees will undergo extensive counseling and included as plaintiffs in lawsuits emerging from the alleged exploitation of workers and what might be the most astounding and chronic miscarriage since earned interest rates dropped to a paltry 1%.

Sources within the banking industry, contacted regarding these allegations did not return our calls. It was surmised that the bosses were sailing, playing golf or counting their money, and could not be disturbed.

Consumers are urged to be quick, be kind…and always remember: ATM machines have eyes or at least ears!

– Kashmir Horseshoe