All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Vultures Carry Off, Eat Rafters
(Montrose) Flocks of thought to be extinct Tsunyi Turkey Vultures continue to dine on unsuspecting rafters often caught with their pants down on the Uncompahgre River south of here. The birds, often posing a ditch riders, conceal themselves in nearby willow trees then pounce on the boat people, eating the adults on site and carrying off the smaller ones for a perverted dessert.
“We don’t know what has gotten into the vultures,” said one local rafter. “They used to wait until people actually croaked before they ate them. This is not good.”
The rafter went on to say that somebody should do something about this.
These particular vultures generally migrate to Canada by this time of the year but a drastic change in feeding habits may have dictated a longer stay in Colorado.
“It’s like a smorgasbord of debauchery said a fly fisherman who witnessed another attack Saturday. “The vultures seize their victims and then hold them under water until the fight is out of them. I didn’t know birds could hold their breath that long.
The local Homo Sapiens for Population Control has defended the vultures saying that they are technically Canadian citizens who are just following their instincts.
“If the birds were busy eating road kill the giant catfish fill the power void with much the same result,” said one HSPC spokesperson.
-Feather Neste
Tweetie Trumpings
“I will not write about Donald Trump. I will not write about Donald Trump….I will not write about Donald Trump.” – scribbled on the blackboard in the editorial offices of the Washington Post.
Headlines in 5 of the nation’s top newspapers today begin with the word Trump. It’s all Trump and the Russians, Trump and the GOP, Trump and North Korea, Trump and Trump. They say they detest him but they churn out yards of copy about his every move. Maybe if they would simply ignore him he would explode, melt, or go away.
Here are some top stories as they appear in major dailies from LA to Boston.
Trump Wheels and Deals for Berlin Wall
President Donald Trump today purchased the notorious Berlin Wall for transport to the American Southwest for installation. Included in the projected purchase are security gates, thousands of feet of barbwire, warning signs, taped broadcasts in German and Russian and three guard towers, instrumental in the deaths of 80 persons attempting an escape from totalitarianism.
The wall, acquired for an undisclosed sum, is expected to arrive sometime in January supporting a slew of campaign promises. Trump told a group of supporters that his wall would create over 40,000 jobs and would be stamped Made in USA upon arrival.
“It will be the best wall ever,” said the president.
It was not clear if Trump knew that the wall had come down in 1989. Unlike most other Trump construction projects, there are no liens against the structure by German tradesmen. Even ideologically bankrupt East German Communists pay their bills.
“We didn’t expect a buyer to emerge,” said one German embassy official. “The wall is in pieces like a jigsaw puzzle, waiting to be hauled off or sold for scrap. This is a very positive development akin to hauling off an old car or a worn out mattress. The money will help Germany’s solar power industry,” he smiled.
“We feel this symbol of repression has found it’s rightful home in the jingo American desert.”
Meanwhile Trump supporters say the liberals are keeping him from getting anything passed. They say the establishment is out to get him when it is becoming clear he is out to get himself.
“Even a blind, hoarding Congressional invertebrate can see that,” said one concrete finisher.
Trump Pulls Hamstring in Tweet storm
Responding to a Supreme Quart decision that includes a ban on visits to Mar-a-Lago Golf Club, President Trump let loose with a tirade of often angry tweets last night.
Piggybacking the controversial ban on persons from many Arab countries, the Justices voted unanimously to restrict Trump’s time of the golf course.
“I’ll fire them all,” tweeted the president. “My base will not stand for this elitist attack by over-educated dark robes. My executive travel ban targets potential terrorists not the landed gentry, not the opulent.”
According to recent research former TV game show hosts, disgraced politicians and child molesters have been persona non grata in Florida ever since Groucho Marx was caught with a box of Havanas in a Miami hotel in 1962.
Taxpayers are pegged for over one million dollars per day for security whenever the Trump entourage heads south. A spokesperson for the president insisted that the figures are skewed and that the excursions were paid for by lobbyists and not from petty cash from West Wing bingo.
Etch-A-Sketch Score Card Irritates Golfers
The clandestine employment of a monogrammed, disappearing scorecard has drawn the ire of fellow golfers playing with the Chief Executive in both the Sunshine and Garden States. The electronic device reportedly allows for the almost magic substitution of numbers after the scores have been entered.
If a golfer nets a double bogey it is automatically recorded as a par while most putts are documented as sunk. The entire 18 holes are remembered as a liar’s mulligan stew. Just one wipe and it all goes back to square one.
This recent brouhaha might provide some relief to the besieged administration in that it may overshadow embarrassing accusations that Trump failed to pay the band at his Inauguration back in January.
“Why can’t he just cheat with a pencil like everyone else?” asked one Republican senator. “He is under the microscope. With the red tie and orange hair it’s not like he’s blending into the background.”
All this and much more to come from a man who thinks Sharia Law is the name of a prostitute he met during a televangelist conference in Texarkana in 2010.
I will not write about Donald Trump…I will not…
For more on this sad subject please turn to
Leaks Net Brown Spots on West Lawn
-Fred Zeppelin
It can’t be that bad
A golf bag transformed into a lovely planter? Yes, the game of golf can be difficult but a little perseverance goes a long way. Get out of the garden and onto the fairway!
But were they made in China?
Now you can wear mask just like the President wears. The real human hair composite alone is worth the purchase price.
FCC STEPS IN DOG BUSINESS
(Lake City) The Federal Communications Commission has joined the debate over canine privacy on the web today promising to legislate, placate and procrastinate, then go for a long walk. For months the sensitive subject of pet rights on the Internet has been fodder for heated discussion here.
“My dog bought some bones and some other scented material, which she occasionally rolls in off the web and now they won’t leave her alone,” said June July, a local resident. “We get at least 30 marketing E-mails every day and, let’s face it, Sarah (July’s black lab) has little resistance to this aggressive sales approach. I wish I’d never arranged for her to have her own credit card.”
Classified ads, generally considered harmless a few months ago, can also be a source of trouble for unwitting dogs and cats.
“Spot answered a classified ad regarding a potential mate from Eastern Europe (an Afghan transplant) and now we find little charges on his card generated from places like Sofia and Bucharest, even Prague,” said Jake Arrowhead, of town. “He’s never been there that I know of. One day I came home and there were three mongrels hanging around my living room looking for a free lunch. When I offered tomato soup they got surly. It’s time we undress this annoyance once and for all.”
Dogs were once thought to be deities in ancient Hinsdale County and are still considered a priority in the good life.
“We don’t want our pets manipulated by computer chips or the arse holes behind them,” said July.
State Representative Ernie Woole has taken the matter all the way to the Supreme Quart asking that the law makers act. Speaking on Name That Neurosis talk show Woole threatened to expose the Internet charlatans to the rabies virus unless they police themselves.
“We will not have our dogs be made the victims of this electronic tyranny,” said Woodes, who is running for dogcatcher in October.
-Rocky Flats
