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Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again

(Ouray) A local company offering “authentic cattle truck tours” of the Uncompahgre Valley has been called onto the carpet again this year due to what civic leaders are calling fraud, misrepresentation and bad taste.

A throng of detractors from both the public and private sector say Melvin’s Cattle Tours Ltd. has breached the thin line between what is entertaining and what is deplorable.

“This is the prototype of bad tourism,” said a chamber source. “It’s not in keeping with the image that we are trying so very hard to project for the summer season.”

Unconfirmed insiders went on to suggest that the operation, owned by unidentified residents in Elk Meadows, creates an extremely bad precedence, ridicules the cattle industry and demeans innocent tourists out for some good clean, albeit expensive,  fun. A mounting contingent of critics say hauling tourists around the mountains inside a cattle truck is unsavory enough on its own, but when coupled with the poor driving and bad judgment, common to the rogue  accompanyment of a derelict staff of reckless drivers, the sojourn becomes downright dangerous.

Stopping short of banning what Toole calls “See The Mountains Like the Cows See Them”, the concerned citizens say they hope the proprietor will quit his bovine adventures voluntarily, adopting a more civilized method of making a living.

     “Maybe he could arrange jeep tours, offer sky diving or open an art gallery,” said one county commissar. “We can never have enough beauty parlors.”

Following a plethora of 2022 complaints relating to the condition of the cattle trucks and the bullying of passengers by drivers, the city has considered pulling Toole’s license. Last year hordes of angry visitors, feeling gouged by the $150 hourly fee, formed a constant parade through both the chamber and the mayor’s office.

When contacted at his international headquarters (nothing more than a henway corrugated bindle shift sans pinchbeck depository) Toole said he didn’t care if the authorities pulled his license since he never really wanted the thing in the first place. 

“I can just get me another one of those licenses up in Silverton for about ten bucks,” he blasted. “Now there’s a town that’s commerce friendly. This is America!” he raved on, “or at least it used to be. I will not be intimidated by this bureaucratic schlock, no sireeee. When the tourists hit I’ll be a-waitin’. Hell, I might even arrange to pick some of them up when they arrive at the airport.” 

– Fred Zeppelin