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Fed Head Shrinking Slammed by Physicians

(Ridgway) Local doctors here agree that a secret plan to shrink heads over at the Federal Reserve will due little to stimulate the sluggish economy. The controversial approach, used by primitive tribes for centuries, sidesteps the real reasons for the fiscal decline they say.

“Why would the government want to embrace such dark age policies when there are plenty of drugs to prescribe?” asked one doctor. “This leap into mirrors, charms and notions is ridiculous until we have exhausted pharmaceutical options,” she said. “Before we know it they’ll be pushing nutrition and a lot of other weird New Age propaganda down our collective throats. Now open wide and cough.”

In undressing the core problem, some at the Federal Reserve have suggested that greed, and not the common cold are to blame for the crisis. Many have gone out on a limb and suggest that, in reality, only a few heads would be reduced to get the attention of the masses.

“We realize shrinking heads is frightening and may seem a little extreme, but if the gov’ment thinks it will work who are you, the American people to argue with the experts?” asked one Fed source, speaking on behalf of his perceived constituency. “All these big heads have created the problem and now it’s time to downsize.”

The exact methodology to be employed in the head shrinking was not disclosed but insiders suggest that bonus baby CEOs would go first.

-Zorro DesPlants

“My chain-smoking doctor told me that potato, rather than grain vodka was the way to go with treating gout. So I went him one better and doubled my daily dosage. I could feel the affects lost overnight.” 

– Uncle Pahgre

Biden to nationalize ski areas

(Ruby) Freshly elected President Joe Biden has asked Congress pass a bill calling for the nationalization of all ski areas by 2024. In so doing he keeps a campaign promise to subsidize recreation in the United States thus creating a fitter, more positive populace. The acquisitions would apply only to existing resorts currently licensed by the United States Forest Service.

“Our goal will not be to build seasonal hotels and condos,” said a spokesman for the White House. “We will build infrastructure and invest in alternative sources of energy right there on the slopes. We intend to make these resources profitable while lowering prices for families with an annual income of less than $100,000.”

The proposal received a cold shoulder when first unveiled at the Petit Snodgrass (Foie Gras) Summit last month.

Saying that since private operators are already camped on what is federal land, the transfer of the properties in question should go quite smoothly. The President did not elaborate when asked how the land would be used in the off-season nor was he willing to confront the knee-bending issue of snowfall possession/legal ownership.

Biden was captain of the ski team at the University of Hawaii according to adoring supporters interviewed outside the Capitol.

“Or maybe that was Barack Obama,” frowned one.

Geographically Challenged?

Boebert: “Those East Coast elites want to tell me how to behave. I won’t do it.”

Monitor: “But isn’t your hero, DonaldTrump from NYC?”

Boebert: “Well he’s not from the East Coast anymore. Don’t you listen to POX News? He moved to Florida.”

Lassie “Man in dog suit” says co-star

(Hollywood) The much beloved collie, that played Lassie in the popular TV drama, was actually not a dog at all, but a man in a dog suit, according to the show’s co-star, known only as Billy.

The clever fur disguise, which fooled millions of children back in the Fifties, was, according to the fugitive child star, a creation of a studio prop contingent that has  mysteriously disappeared over the years. Despite a string of investigations their fate remains unclear. Relatives petitioned the police to continue the investigation into the strange disappearances but it was officially closed in 1973, the smell of foul play lingering in the air.

Billy has been under the protection of the federal gov’ment following testimony against Communist infiltrators in the infant TV industry. Many of the alleged un-American targets were later blacklisted. Accusations that cartoons were not real and that Black Beauty was actually a gelding all but overhauled early TV, and set precedent as to content for the next decade.

“If the forces of anarchy get a hold of Billy, now 60, it could be a blood bath,” said one television policeman. “We’re just proud of him for having the guts to tell the truth.”

– Rocky Flats    

buttload: (obsolete, Britain, West Country) A regional English measure of capacity of a heavy cart (a butt), containing 6 seams, or 48 bushels, equivalent to 384 gallons.

City, hospital teaming up on sleep disorder syndrome

(Montrose) The City of Montrose and Montrose Memorial Hospital will cooperate in an experimental procedure linking council meetings with outpatient therapy. Starting this week, clients of the hospital, suffering from sleep disorders, will begin keeping minutes at the city’s legislative sessions in the hopes that the action will put them to sleep.

Attendance will be mandatory for all receiving treatment.

“Who knows,” said one source, “maybe some of these tired novices will run for elected office themselves someday thus completing the cosmic circle.”

Officials at both the city and the hospital hope that this move will relieve symptoms of the illness while researchers search for a cure. If this doesn’t work patients may be forced to watch Rockies’ games on television through the summer.

Anyone wishing to join in this flowering marriage between health and politics is invited to attend, however space is limited and guests are reminded that there is no eating or drinking in council chambers until after the meeting is concluded.

-Pepper Salte

“You have no history here. You barely have geography.”  unnamed resident to newcomer considering a run for town council seat after two months living here. (overheard at the Ridgway Post Office Ballroom).


(Gunnison) In what appears to be a case of mistaken identity Taylor Hall was yesterday purchased by a Kansas couple. The buyers, who refused to be interviewed, will take possession of the property in early 2022.

Taylor Hall is the oldest building on the campus of Western Colorado State University. It currently houses most administrative offices including admissions, the college president’s chambers, alumni affairs, classrooms and many student support services such as a hair and body piercing salon and a state-of-the-art shooting range in the basement.

Myrna Beckerman, the Realtor who first listed then sold the hallowed hall, said she mixed up the property in a zip code meltdown and this week’s pandemic.

“How was I to know?” she whined. “Those photos in the Multi-Listings are always faded. They look like shots from a Manson family photo album. Who can blame me for doing my job. The price tag was negotiable.”

Prices for living eunuchs in Gunnison County have been in a mysterious upswing of late despite the high cost of survival and the lack of decent jobs.

“It’s not our fault,” said Beckerman. “It’s their fault.”

She did not elaborate or clarify to whom she was referring. In a canned statement her words were bottled up and somewhat jarred…all but recycled, clearly partisan.

As a result of the transaction the current residents of Taylor Hall may be looking for new digs come December. Although an appeal is in progress some there are dreading a move in the middle of winter.

I have a nice little two-bedroom duplex on North Wisconsin that might be in their price range,” said Beckerman. “Otherwise I suggest checking out those cute storage units over by the airport.”

H. L. Menoken  

Why can’t the White Right

blacken its faces

and sit at the table

in the hall of the races.


Layers Laddie, Layers

Celtic chills embrace me,

disguised as rain and wind,

challenge my blood in Union Hall.

Not just the sea looks back at me.

O’Sullivan you say?

We hold that quota teeming like

mussels washed in ocean butter,

kidnapped in the sandy bay.

My name like steely headlands

splashed on bricks above the door

established 1922 and then forever more.

Forged martyrs on the cobbler’s square

Scream whispers of the just

in piercing stoney silence

precipitate spry treasures

in nimble words of my ancestors.

Wade out amid sea juices

and never be afraid

your pants rolled up

like an egret deep in meditation.

Your roots exposed for all to see

Your soul exposed for all to see.

Wrapped in whittled rain

wrapped in that rascal rain

Floating like a swan

no ripples in her whirls

taking centuries to open

Christmas presents from the Earls.

                                            -Kevin Haley