All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
UAE Pilgrims Procure Plot on Mars
(Utopia Basin) Astronauts from the United Arab Emirates have reportedly raised that nation’s flag on a small strip of Martian land about the size of Manhattan Island. The property, purchased for some trinkets and 30 pieces of silver, runs from Isidis Basin through volcanoes, craters and mounds of red dust to Hellas Basin in the Southern Highlands.
Despite the perceived absence of fresh water in the Martian ecosystem early arrivals hope that salt water may be present.
“Our acquisition offers protection from dust storms and a very good harbor from which to continue our exploration and dominate weaker alien life,” said Conor Sturgeon, who spent 2 months orbiting the Red Planet late last year. “My virgin flight that was suppose to cover the 300 million miles in several weeks stretched into ten times that amount leaving me with nothing to eat but frozen tamales and Grape Tang.”
“Boredom was my biggest enemy. I counted stars. I watched John Wayne movies. I missed my dog terribly. I read everything I could get my thumbs on. Reading is a challenge in weightlessness. You just put the book down for a moment and it’s gone. It’s tough enough to locate books in English in the backcountry of South America. Try finding English titles in outer space?” he said. “It’s next to impossible.”
The first UAE spacecraft reached the Martian orbit last month marking the first time a Middle Eastern country staked out a scientific presence in the region. The primary mission was to study the planet’s atmosphere and climate but the space crew couldn’t pass up the rock bottom cost of real estate, reminiscent of America’s Rust Belt in the 80s.
“We’re looking at putting up 7000 condos over at Noachis Terra on our next voyage,” said one astronaut, “and the construction of a state-of-the-art performance center to be christened Chryse Planitia in honor of Venetian soap opera star and love goddess who choked to death on a pastrami sandwich in 2018.
The earthlings await tons of survival equipment that is expected to make its descent on Friday (Saturday on Mars). The cargo includes daily requirements of freeze-dried guilt laced with fear-based philosophies, plastic water bottles and life-ending weaponry.
– Syd Fahrdt
Man on the Moon Mere Flimflam
(Houston) NASA today admitted that the 1969 landing of astronauts on the Moon was no more than an evil hoax meant to dupe the American public and distract the nation from the Vietnam War, unemployment stats and racial unrest. In a lengthy statement the space administration acknowledged that the entire event was staged right down to specimens brought back.
“The whole echilada was shot near Grand Junction, Colorado, out in the Stinking Desert,” said one NASA source. “We didn’t figure that so many people would be watching and well…things kind of got out of control.”
The desert region around Grand Junction is often mistaken for a lunar landscape which made it the perfect location says NASA adding that the geologic samples too were bogus, having been purchased from Tinkers somewhere between Paradox and LaSal Junction in 1967.
Apparently NASA, encouraged by the public’s profound willingness to be hoodwinked by the gov’ment got carried away and started making outrageous claims and taking credit for such a stunning victory in Outer Space.
“Even the Russians believed us,” said the source.
Coming clean on the grounds that they would not be prosecuted, engineers and technicians here expressed relief that the secret lie had now become public.
“Besides,” said NASA, “everyone working on that operation has retired and the statute of limitations has run out. We suggest that Americans just laugh it off as a bad joke and go see a Star Trek movie or two.”
– Small Mouth Bess
Carbon Footprints Suggest Homeless Had No Shoes in 5000 BC
(Sandlfoote, CO) Impressions of what appear to be post-Neanderthal feet have led scientists here to believe that early Homo Sapiens too were hard-pressed securing food, surviving freezing caves and avoiding predators to worry much about their .
“Actually we have yet to determine exactly who was homeless and who was simply en route or wandering around looking for dinner,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Fellow at Cal Polygamy. “Maybe shoes had not been invented yet which would certainly throw off our DNA test cases. Animal skins that work well to cover the legs and torso are of little use on the feet since they are clumsy and offer little shelf life do to harsh planetary surfaces,” he explained. “And what about the proverbial gatherers?”
The footprint samples collected, stretching from Finland to Gibraltar, number in the thousands and scientists are scurrying to chronicle movements and label superstitions in an attempt to provide this meaningless information to progressive cobblers and generations to come.
Many eons later the only group to possess shoes appears to be churchmen of the day. The shoes were an integral part in their wading through the multitude of holidays that they subsequently stole from the pagans, tweaked a bit, and established as the Christian holidays we know today. Then came the Dark Ages with the loss of freedom and the embrace of the inherent goodness of man.
“They even stole ancient gods and goddesses and changed them into their formula saints and the like,” said Pennywhistle. This was expedient and often much cheaper than establishing new religious icons of their own.”
Whether these “early junior executives” of the Vatican Corporation had shoes is as yet inconclusive.”
-Alfalfa Romero
“When the tree falls the monkeys will scatter.“ – Chinese saying from House of Xiao, 1816. Metaphorically referring to institutions, families, governments, good and bad.
THE SLOPE DOPE
By Estelle Marmotbreath
“If bingo required any reading comprehension
I would be home on Tuesday nights too.”
“It’s my party and I’ll lie if I want to.” Lauren Boebert tracking indicates that cooler heads have prevailed within the sinking GOP bass boat here in the Rockies. A plot to remove her is already emerging: A serious looking blueprint rolled around three Havana cigars was found under a fermenting mulberry tree in western Garfield County detailing the planned coup. It does not give a date. Detractors say she sleeps with her pistol and they must take care to act only when she is awake.
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Cranberry Saucers held in contempt in a well-documented turkey caper are expected to be indicted tomorrow unless it snows. They are accused of detaining over 400 turkeys in November and December in hopes of selling them on an already overstuffed black market. Other counts against the saucers include littering, overcooking and betrayal of a person of trust.
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Local taxpayers are warned that chain tax preparation jobs are now often outsourced to India and the Philippines. If one brings his forms and receipts to what CPAs call “television tax preparers” there is a good chance the final return will have been prepared overseas. Although the forms are completed in English it is often difficult to ask questions and the payment up front policies are unnerving. Audits are a nightmare in that preparers in Asia are not likely to respond to IRS queries.
“Most of the time the IRS is in such a hurry to cash your check that it rarely examines returns anyway,” said a spokesman for One, Two Three Four – Buckle My Shoe Tax Agencies.
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Need help paying your liquor bill during the pandemic? Call us. We can help.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who shouldn’t even be on the snack committee for the local peewee soccer league.” – Arizona Central
Brunot Agreement Rescinded
After almost 150 years of courting appeals and petitioning higher powers the Blue Sky People have won an unprecedented legal battle that effectively negates the Brunot Treaty and returns some 3.5 million acres of land to its rightful owners. The agreement, signed in 1873 under intimidation and blatantly false pretense, called for the removal of all Utes from the area of mines, which included all of the San Juans and adjacent valleys.
Even though the Treaty of 1868 guaranteed that the land “would be yours forever” the newer entente, hatched by racists such as Governor Frederick Pitkin, called for the expulsion of the seven Ute bands to reservations along the New Mexico and Utah borders.
At the time the Utes did not understand what the government had done. It had been their understanding during negotiations that they would give up land on which the mines were actually located, not all the land that contained mines. The situation was further clouded by a government decree recognizing Ouray, of the Uncompahgre Band, as chief of the Colorado Utes. This designation allegedly helped gloss over the smooth transfer of lands to white settlers and in its defense, probably prevented a bloodbath.
“If Ouray was chief of the Utes then my ass chews gum,” said one Ute sheepherder living near Ignacio. “He was never elected to anything. I was all a giant hoax to grab our land, which , according to our beliefs, cannot be owned in the first place.”
During the last few days of hearings the Supreme Quart apologized to the Blue Sky People for “unparalleled grievances, rampant violence and systematic racism”. Saying that the land in question was stolen they declared all treaties starting with the Calhoun Treaty of 1850 to be null and void.
“We can’t give these native people back their culture or way of life but we can damn sure give them back their land,” said a combined statement from the justices.
In keeping with the ruling the town of Ouray will be renamed Colorow and the city of Gunnison to Tomichi. Colorow was a rascal chief and Gunnison had been inappropriately named after early white explorer John Gunnison, a man of oppressive moral fiber, who subsequently killed by Pahvant Ute at Sevier Lake in the Utah Territory in 1853.
“Tomichi sounds better,” continued the herder.
“We expect it will take about 100 years for the land to return to its more natural state,” explained one Ute councilman from what was once called Cortez, and will now be named Weeminuche. Chivington, in Eastern Colorado, is slated to be razed on Tuesday, the residents sent to re-eduction camps in what was once the penal colony of Oklahoma. Oddly enough, that jurisdiction is proudly dubbed Native America on the state’s license plates, even though not one Native American has ever voluntarily relocated there.
The white folks currently residing on the effected acreage will have until Friday to vacate the premises or be forcibly moved to reservations in Utah.
– Uncle Pahgre
“I’m not trying to restructure society. I’m just trying to take care of the issues that wake people up in the middle of the night.” – Kamala Harris. Vice President of the United States
PROPOSAL WOULD RAISE SOCIAL SECURITY AGE
(Froggy Bottom) Key Senate Republicans have presented a bill that would raise the age for full Social Security benefits to 86 it was disclosed today. The authors of the potential legislation say that raising the age for recipients will create financial solvency within the program and assure that everyone gets his share
Called No Old Fart Left Behind, the plan calls for sweeping changes and a gradual raising of the minimum qualifying age for persons born after 1935.
“In an attempt to jump-start legislation we thought we’d start high,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “By the time those liberals get done with it we’ll be writing checks to everyone who ever worked.”
In most cases the current age for benefits hovers between 62 and 67. Despite the fact that funds for the program were taken out of people’s checks for their entire working careers politicians feel it is their right to manipulate the funds and redirect payments based entirely on age.
Other fat white guys in the House called for volunteer personal accounts for young people and promised to hold down bennies for upper wage earners. Some pension pimps suggest that since there is little manufacturing left in this country there are really no workers, at least in the classic sense. Therefore they argue nobody deserves a retirement check and the money could be spent in other areas such as oil drilling and the military.
“We’ll still be burning fossil fuels in this country long after these folks are all fossils,” said Noise.
If the 86-year cut-off is adopted rural Americans, many who voted Republican in the 2020 elections are expected to be hardest hit by the increase.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
