All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Planets shedding fur no cause for alarm
(Ouray) The seasonal shedding of fur and skin by major planets in out solar system will not jeopardize life as we know it according to astronomers at Dexter Creek Phoebus Observatory here. Saying that a slew of meteor showers and a lot of fuzz in the air may complicate respiratory maladies, star gazers assured residents and visitors that things would “return to normal” just as soon as things return to normal.
“This kind of thing happens every year but it is particularly noticeable in 2013 due to the cold weather that has plagued the Universe,” said G. Jerry Dunn, operations specialist at DCPO. “In short since the planets did no shedding in March and April there is hair everywhere in May and June.”
Dunn then went on to draw some confusing analogy between shedding planets and shedding German Shepherds.
“Shedding is the final step in repeating the natural process in outer space,” he said. “It is a serious accounting and reordering of orbits prior to the end of the world which is scheduled for December 15.”
“Watching a grand old planet like Jupiter shed its winter coat is really quite a phenomenon. The only problem is that all that hair gets into our sensitive telescopes. We’re all learning on the job. Hell, back a few years ago we didn’t even know that planets had hair,” he smiled. “We thought they were all as bald as cue balls.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Pray Away the Gray Plays to Mixed Reviews
(Olathe) A winter revival dubbed Pray Away the Gray opened to a smaller than expected audience Friday as clergy from several strip mall cults administered to the imagined needs of the elderly and the fears of the prematurely gray in the community.
This approach to changing pigmentation, seen as an abnormal behavior by these leading reverends, leans on direct supplication and petition coupled with tithing and compliance as defined by the men behind the pulpit.
“People with gray hair are sinners and must seek salvation as blondes or brunettes,” explained Rev. Phillip Pharisee, coordinating executive of the emerging institution. “If we get enough people thinking the same way it might be surprising what might happen.”
Already several of the faithful in nearby Montrose claim to have shed their gray hair after attending just three or more sessions.
“I was more than happy to pay the $200 to look younger,”said one man.
Scientists say the melanogenetic clock, rather than morality, is responsible for the hair follicles turning white or gray. They blame the state of gray on genetics and environment. Unfortunately, they add, the only way to restore hair color is with dyes and chemicals.
“The concept of begging for divine intercession is selfish and stupid” said one scientist. “Do these people think that the gods really give a hoot about their scalps or hair styles? If these good folks really believe that the body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit why are so many of them obese?”
The revival will continue in the Uncompahgre Valley until its special events license runs out, then promoters will take the show on to the road to Utah despite protests from Mormon groups there who do not appreciate the competition for the right to save souls and hair.
– Signelle de Bushe
HORSESHOE GRANTED JUNK MAIL STATUS
(Gunnison) The San Juan Horseshoe has finally reached the kind of milestone that most newspapers only dream of — that of junk mail status. Legally filed with the Library of Congress, the Postal Equilibrium Committee and the Interstate Commerce Union, the license allows the paper access to every American whether they like it or not.
By next week the Horseshoe plans to send back issues to every mailbox in the Western United States and Canada. Whereas before the publisher might have been jailed for such an act, now he is free to intrude into the lives of his fellow citizens without penalty.
According to a postal source the paper must send out at least 250 tons of worthless print per month to qualify for next year’s license. Anything less would automatically drop that effort into second class or the feared requested material category.
“Then we’d have to hold the mail until someone showed up at the little window, showed some identification and offered to buy us lunch,” said Mondo Carmen a stamp designer from Milan.
Over at the newspaper the staff is said to be quite enthused over the accomplishment which should make their jobs easier.
“The paperwork took 20 years but at least we’ll get some relief in the dead file room and storage of those colorful Piggly Wiggly inserts will be much less a problem,” said one under-editor. “This place was starting to look like a paper mill on Thursdays.” – Fred Zeppelin
Three more reasons to visit Stockholm soon
Three reasons to visit Stockholm soon
GATHERERS ARRIVING DAILY
(Montrose) The local airport is jammed hunters today. But this year the annual migration of rifle totters is accentuated by the presence of more than 100,000 gatherers. The gatherers, the secondary component to the ancient order of humankind, have long been linked to hunters, making up a precedent to agrarian sects, Sumerian brew masters and the more sophisticated Puritan-Abolitionist-Yankee Insurance Linkage Conspiracy.
The gatherers, a rough, hungry looking pack of beggars, wasted no time in their struggle to feed themselves and their shabby offspring. Roots, berries, small trees and shrubs fell before the mighty onslaught. Later in the afternoon the barbaric hordes confiscated parking bunkers, lights, road signs, county commissioners and even bits of asphalt before moving on to high country redoubts along the Uncompahgre Plateau, rainy Dry Creek and the painfully crooked Straights of Colona (oerthodontisima reconoitera).
“Frankly we’re happy to have these folks around this time of the year,” quipped Melvin Toolini, executive director of the Chief Colorow Soil Conservation District. “Not only do they haul out a lot of debris but they keep the hunters in check.”
Gatherers, associated with hunters since before anthropology carved its name on the wall, are quieter and usually far more sober than the average orange-clad meat seeker. They travel in small bands (often without a decent bass player), shadowed by teeming ox carts crammed full of everything from discolored banana peels to rusty snuff cans to impartial elk droppings to soggy balls of string to curious Spam tins to discarded passages of the United States Constitution.
“We observed one hunched-over gatherer attempting to digest the Bill of Rights just the other afternoon on Simms Mesa,” said Toolini, “but the federals happened by, and with the aid of complacency, succeeded, in driving the madman off into the dark Forest of Illiteracy.
For the uninitiated, the Constitution and Bill of Rights are very dangerous documents that, falling into the wrong hands, could threaten our way of life.
The gatherers are expected to remain in the region until everything is gathered. Then they will move to the Confront Range where their massive warehouses are located.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
UTAH ACCUSED OF STEALING ELK
(Moab) The state of Utah has once again been accused of stealing Colorado elk. A formal complaint was filed in district quart here this morning calling for the return of the animals and undisclosed reparations that would be paid to Colorado from its neighbor to the west. The document alleges that diabolical and covert factions representing the powers that be in Salt Lake City have been kidnapping elk from the Uncompahgre Plateau and smuggling them past elite border patrol divisions at Mack, Dove Creek and LaSal Junction.
“These evil connivers have been disguising the elk as jumbo holiday fruit baskets in order to slip past the guards,” said Melvin Toole, a recognized expert in cattle rustling who spent ten to twenty at Canon City working toward advanced degrees on the subject. “They’re obviously trying to beef up their own pathetic herds in order to compete for out-of-state hunters.”
Utah is already doing a bang-up job of competing with Colorado in the arenas of skiing and summer tourism.
“This is a sensitive issue due to fiscal overtones,” said Toole who remains true to his warped contention that since there is no longer a state tourism tax there is, in turn, no longer a reason to be nice to tourists.
Meanwhile sources in Utah insist that they have never stolen so much as a Columbine from Colorado.
“We won them elk fair and square in a poker game in Rangely last month,” said one Utah wildlife officer. “Yeah I know Mormons ain’t supposed to gamble but we got carried away with the all them pretty chips and all.”
According to the latest count some 350 elk and a few hundred deer are currently missing and that represents grand theft, punishable by fines and penal servitude.
“They can’t prove a darn thing,” added the Utah suspect, “since the elk cross the borders whenever they like and nobody holds wapiti branding sessions anymore.”
St. Roscoe Appears to Arkansas Hunters
(Cimarron) In a rare mid-week appearance Saint Roscoe, the patron saint of RV enthusiasts, visited three different hunting camps on Wednesday evening warning inmates as to the dangers of camp beans. Showing up at dinnertime at a large encampment on the West Fork of the Cimarron St. Roscoe encouraged hunters to eat more greens while out in the woods.
“Believe you me,” began Roscoe, “if you see the forest as your ally it is imperative to embrace some form of the vegetarian experience.”
The occupants of the camp, all from Arkansas, smiled and offered Roscoe biscuits and gravy. All agreed that the saint was quite inebriated and repeatedly yielded to a small pint bottle that he had in his coat pocket.
“I’ve never seen a polyester leisure suit in that shade of blaze orange,” said one hunter.
Hopefully he won’t be back,” quipped another. “He was scaring the daylights out of the horses.”
Saint Roscoe stopped by for a few minutes at two other camps in the vicinity but according to everyone involved he had already forgotten his message and was content to exchange hunting tales with the assemblage.
KBUT TO BROADCAST HUNTING SEASON
(Crested Butte) Once again KBUT-FM will broadcast the current hunting season in its entirety. The program, expanded this year to include Grand Mesa and the Quartz Creek Valley, will run from October 14 through November 22. It will most likely cover all special seasons as well as farmer’s season. Peasant season will not be featured in that the directors of the station feel that it is inappropriate.
Interested parties are reminded that there will be no televised coverage of the event.
“The mounting dog problem is not a subject that is suitable for the barber shop, the poker table or the common bar room. Questions of morality like this belong in the Town Council chambers.” -Kashmir Horseshoe
