All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
City Market to Offer New Services
(Montrose, CO – Nov 28, 2014) Unreliable sources in the produce aisle inside the Old City Market have spilled the beans on a departmental expansion plan aimed at attracting a fringe element that is not fully participating in the local economy.
The Supermarket giant, part of the Kroger chain, already heavily engaged in gasoline, car washes, video rentals, hardware, floral products, drugs and greeting cards as well as groceries, hopes to increase consumer awareness by adding revolutionary new amenities never before associated with the supermarket industry.
Leading off will be the grocery’s award winning Head-in Parking under the label of psychiatric counseling. Marital strife, child-parent relationships, money matters and other potentially destructive group therapy sessions will be offered in the meat department on Thursdays from 10 to 2.
Once accomplished the Head-In Program will help usher in a day care center (in the bakery) accommodating children from 2 – 18. A retirement home is under construction at this writing and will be completely functional by 2015.
Educational offerings include real estate classes, a beauty school and a truck-driving academy. GEDs will be available in the dairy case.
Simultaneously stimulating exercise/dance and Bible classes are now part of the curriculum on Sundays in the ethnic foods section while pork chops and apple pie are on sale all week.
Observant shoppers have no doubt already noticed the mobile surgery unit bivouacked out in the mega double-layered asphalt parking lot capable of handling whirly-twirlers, aereoplanes and henways at a moment’s notice.
The medical staff has already treated over 400 people since the inception two months ago. Cases range from flesh wounds resulting from cart rage to aggravated manslaughter.
And if that’s not enough to increase immortal profits, City Market will open a 24-hour mortuary at the South Townsend location. This ultimate checkout will cater to those who are ready to hit that final express line in the sky. – Dinty Moore
Local man elected dogcatcher
(Special from The Pea Green Peeper — November 28, 2014)
(California Mesa) Herman Glicke did not attend the police academy or buy in to the them and us mentality while running a squeaky clean campaign for the coveted spot as dog catcher here. Even rivals agree he knows his dog business.
In a close race where Glicke defeated the hugely popular Wally “The Shrimp” Ackerman, the canine vote was the telltale stat. It was the first time anyone can remember when a local was elected dogcatcher.
Glicke, a former piccolo great at Olathe High School seemed a shoo-in after the dogs had voted. In precinct after precinct the results were the same. Most of the humans voted for Ackerman while the dogs, angry at illegal gerrymandering by local Republicans, came out in favor of Glicke.
Olathe has many registered and unregistered dogs, many of which expressed outrage that voting rights had been molested and redrawn so as to suit the powers that be.
“It was a surprise,” said old-timer Salvio Panama, a beekeeper up here on the mesa. “Rumors started by you-know-who claimed that Glicke had a tail. That didn’t work, now did it?”
The position involves pet control and, as the title implies “catching dogs”.
Glicke’s first move will reportedly involve gaining the trust of his constituency.
“I really hate to turn on the dogs that voted for me but that’s politics.”
– Dag Katz
Sock Market Crashes
Western Colorado Financial Updates – Nov 28, 2014
(New York) The American Sock Exchange, recently driven to its knees by yet another Spandex Incursion, is now facing a hostile takeover by Chinese commodity traders who currently manufacture more than half the socks worn around the world.
Adding to the fears of a total collapse was the news that imports are up and expected to increase over the next year.
“We have finally snapped and broken,” said one thread broker. “Those workers in China, Brasil and Kenya knit faster. We can’t compete even though our quality is of a much better caliber.”
The industry began its elastic sag in 2006 and slid down to ankle depths after it was impossible to gain protectionist legislation in Washington. Gaping holes began to emerge in marketing campaigns while sales of cheap, foreign foot fashion soared.
“Don’t hose me on this,” said industry spokesperson Bobbie Argyle. “The government that we resent for restrictions on business in this country failed to protect us. We may never see another pair of American-made socks. It is indeed a sad day for feet in our nation.”
A spokesman for the United States Chamber of Commerce disagreed saying that the sock market had every opportunity to toe the line and bone up over the past decade.
“Who is trying to pull the wool over our eyes now?” asked Frank Frostbite, of the esteemed business mouthpiece. “What about nylon, silk, cashmere, mohair, linen and even bamboo socks? Ms. Argyle is only seeing the tip of the iceberg and that alone is enough reason to double up…on socks, I mean, not on Ms. Argyle.”
Meanwhile in Asia, the news of the crash was met with mixed reaction. The scene is utter mayhem. Factories shuffle workloads, beef-up inventories and manufacturers pour over figures just as U.S. consumers gear up for the colder weather.
“This is all too surreal for me so I’m going back to bed,” said the original thread broker. – Dag Katz
Favorite Things
(Western Colorado – Nov 28, 2014)
(With apologies to Mary Martin et al)
Raincoats on lushes
And barbells on kittens
Stinky old buses
And loud politicians
Octogenarians out for their flings—
These are a few of my favorite things.
Tailgating morons
And overcooked noodles
Clever young yupsters
And turkeys with poodles
The length of the winter, the mud in the spring—
These are a few of my favorite things.
When their smog chokes
When their air clings
When I’m feeling had
I simply remember the rivers and peaks
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Troops in the desert
And missiles in Europe
Barack to the rescue
His boots in the stirrup
Traffic and meltdowns
Some drunk trying to sing—
These are a few of my favorite things.
Red necks and liberals
Identity crisis
Miso and tofu
Assorted brown rices
IRS agents, a briefcase they bring—
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the tick lights
When the truth stings
When I’m feeling had
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel too sad.
Hassles and conflicts
And nuclear winters
Fresh out of toothpicks
And hands full of splinters
Media preachers who want to be king—
These are a few of my favorite things.
Landmark to Host Movie Nights
The following are but a sampling of the fine classic films
to be screened this winter at the Colona Slaughterhouse Theater
Mrs. Dracula (Hank’s Films, 1934)
In this sequel to “Dracula’s Hometown Girl” the vampire’s widow and seven children must cope with life on the other side. Mrs. Dracula: Ethel Smithers; Professor Bendix: Avery Bligh; Sacrificial Virgin Donna: Betty Garble (her first role.) 99 minutes.
No Viet Cong Ever Called Me For a Date (Within You – Without You-Beside You Pictures)
A spoiled rich socialite (Sally Carp) flunks out of high school then learns a lesson in true love during a magical mystery tour through Northern Laos. Ho Chi Minh: Jack Nickelodeon; Che Guevara: Peter Fonda; Thomas Paine: Andy Warhol.
Apache Misunderstanding (Despot Studios, 1949)
Hearing that the Apaches are lodging a complaint with the US Government concerning the poor conditions on their reservation, a rancher, Ted Cassidy (who later played Lurch on the Adams Family) fears the worst, so he shoots his family rather than have them see him pay higher taxes to placate the local tribes. Geronimo Jones: Victor Mature; Momma Custer; Gwen Hick. 88 minutes.
They Came From Way Up There in the Sky (Big One Productions, 1950)
An alien spacecraft crash-lands on the Pentagon but the Joint Chiefs deny that it ever happened. ZZYXXPHN: Alan Ladd; Dr. Champion: Annabelle Wong. Pentagon: Cheap Styrofoam replica.
Island of Sweat (M&M, 1947)
Marooned on a tropical island paradise with seven gorgeous women, a man (Slick Adams) desperately tries to remain faithful to his one true love, Sister Agnes of Wellesley, who has recently taken the vow of silence. Monday: Ann Carcass; Coconuts: Shirley Jones; Palm Trees: Cheap Styrofoam replica from yard sale in Virginia.
Steamed (Tantamount, 1982)
Curt Jergens fights back against the system by mailing his toenail clippings to people selected at random from the local telephone book. Winken: Jonnie Foster; Blinken: Tater O’Neill; Old Forester: Pinky Lee; Nod: Max Von Sydow. 77 minutes.
The Dead Smell Something Awful
(Slice ‘Em and Dice ‘Em, 1988)
Dead folks raise a big stink in a normally fragrant alpine town. Marie Cornwall: Dianne Lane; Gorbo: Charlie Rocket; Sheriff Pete: Ronald Reagan Junior.
Conga Line to Victory (Wellstoned, 1943)
Fantastic yarn adapted for the silver screen. About a USO dance troupe smashing the Axis by twirling around its leaders until they puke. Trip: Donald Ducketape; Shinbone: Veronica lake; Hitler: Max Kaplansky; Mussolini Dancers directed by Dolores Alegria-Turpentino.
Son of Onan Meets Queen of the Eye-Poppers (Jotunheim, 1953)
Oyah, son of the insignificant Biblical character, Onan, selflessly leads a lost tribe of big-busted women to his tent. Sixteenth in a series. Oya: Stewart Smiley; Queen LaLa: Tina Loiuse; Slave Girl One: Beverly Hill. 6 hours.
Defective Parts of Frankenstein (Nadir, 1968)
The monster barely begins to terrorize the countryside when he is recalled to the castle for a steering mechanism and hair bag dysfunction. The initial foul up drags hapless characters into the fiscal reality of a complete overhaul. Barn Frankenstein: Leonard Nimoy; Creature: Orson Welles; Skinny-Dipping village girls: Diana Ross and the Supreme Quart. Mangy dogs on the set: Mangy dogs from last Funny Animal Videos session.
Update: Canadian Christmas Tournament
Polar Bears (U-18) 14 Elves 0
