All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Men still following great herds
(Special from The Saber-Tooth Follies – August 25, 2015)
(Cavetowne) Dressed in his best loincloth or leisure suit modern man has continued the tradition of following the great herds. Still uncomfortable with subsistence farming and cubicle tension he has sought more natural means of survival and social development.
“Just look how Homo erectus looks at a herd of elk,” says Doctor Fernham Josephine of Mao Clinic. “It is part longing and part logistic. He appreciates the grace and style of the wild animals but he still wants to bring it down and roast it over his fire. He wants to love the elk, but he also wants to eat dinner.
For millenniums we have watched primitive gangs of hunters track and subdue animals larger and more ferocious than they. They didn’t have assault rifles either. They had flimsy spears and a battle plan that must have brought a smile to the face of their prey.
“Whataya gonna due with the little Barbie spear, Mr. Caveman? Are you going to throw it at me or try to stick it in my side? Whoa! Are you going to all charge me at once? You’re like fleas or lice. I’m frightened. Wouldn’t it be a lot safer for everyone if you just picked up a tub of chicken or some tacos?
Often the ultimate impact intensity of a well-hurled spear would cause the caveman’s pants (animal skins) to fall down to his knees, leaving him the butt of dinosaur laughter. He was also at the mercy of the beasts in that his outfit was wrapped around his ankles, prohibiting a fast retreat.
In ancient times man, often in large groups, would secure meat, then take it back to the cave to barbecue it with friends and family. All would gnaw on the prize down to the bones that would be shared with mongrels and those too old or crippled to help with the taking on the animal. Some of the cavepersons would eat too much and become so chubby that they had to procure new animals hides.
Man has not evolved very far when it comes to primitive eating habits,” said Josephine. “He ate a healthy natural diet which, often lean and limited, gave him the strength to subdue the other animals. And he didn’t have somebody sneaking around behind him genetically modifying his corn and potatoes.” – Uncle Pahgre
Princess Maude-Tulip Taps Local Vets in Puppy Caper
(London) The Crowned Princess of Britain, Duchess of Barnswinkle and Weeds, Tiller of the Enlightenment and Protector of Chutney has chosen Dr. Laura Ramos and Doctor Joseph Alaimo to assist with the delivery of a litter of Royal Yorkies.
A spokesperson for Maude-Tulip told The Horseshoe that the fur physicians were picked due to unquestionable integrity and sustained knowledge.
The conscripted veterinarians will depart for London tomorrow so as to be on the scene for the simple medical procedure expected to take place this week in a Buckingham Palace basement or kennels. While in London the two will stay at the Thames River Observatory, a pet-friendly lodge preferred by nobility and wealthy commoner alike.
“There is no reason to expect problems in the birthing,” said a Tulip aide. “Madame just wants to be sure that experts are in waiting at the time of the big moment.”
Maude-Tulip and her husband Bob have failed to produce an heir to combined properties, wealth and titles but have succeeded in providing royals with lots of puppies since occupying their respective thrones in 1968.
Due to highly sensitive diplomatic nature of the request the action has been deemed compulsory by the yet-to-be-hacked State Department. Seen as a humanitarian gesture by the press, the visit is the first by “animal doctors from the former colonies” to England. After the delivery the two veterinarians will be given a Royal Red Carpet Celebrity Tour of Piccadilly Circus, and the Tower of London during the stay.
On the last evening of the sojourn Ramos and Alaimo will dine with Ringo Starr at his flat in Belgravia.
Safety Corpse Offered
Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – August 25, 2015
The officially recognized, patented 2015 Mower’s Safety Course will be offered again this fall to persons who have mastered the summer preliminary curriculum. This year’s syllabus concentrates heavily on the adaption of the metric system and its application to more conventional approaches to trimming.
Adherence to s simple step-by-step procedure will result in fewer mishaps with rotor blades and lurking sunstroke according to masterminds associated with the project.
Persons born after March 1949 must take this course if they intend to mow their lawns this fall. Others, born earlier are urged to sign up for the 400-hours of Saturday classes, so as to remain on top of newest developments.
“We offer plenty of tips for mower safety as well as insider hints on weed control and fertilization techniques,” said board member Charlene Gascanne, between meetings.
The cost for the classes is a reasonable $400 (sleeper compartment slightly more) and must be paid in advance. Persons caught mowing (or weed eating without proper certification will surrender lawn privileges and may face fines and imprisonment. – Koko Nucla
Fox News Acusado de Difusión Artificial
El Supremo entregó Quart hoy por una serie de acusaciones contra Fox News que afirman que la entidad tergiversado la realidad y de apropiación indebida confianza pública en una serie de emisiones 2010-2015.
En lo que el cuerpo gobernante llamado “difusión artificial de hechos inventados Fox ha actuado de manera irresponsable y criminalmente en los intentos por convencer a su audiencia de la televisión estadounidense que el poder corporativo es la única protección contra una multitud de hombres y terroristas fuera boogey para conseguirlos.
De acuerdo con la alta cuarto: “FOX ha saqueado la verdad y manipulado sus noticieros a fin de crear una ilusión de miedo y desconfianza en este país mediante la comunicación única malentendido y falsedades para promover sus objetivos económicos y políticos.”
“Estas cabezas parlantes serio retorcidos, incluso los que tienen los peinados perfectos, han convencido a la clase media, que son los pobres (y no las corporaciones globales) que son culpables de sus luchas diarias”, dijo la acusación. La asignación repetitivo y metódico de la manipulación de los medios y proxenetismo de datos ha creado polarización crónica y la xenofobia que amenaza las libertades básicas y hace que los espectadores menos informados (más tonto) de lo que eran esta mañana. – Phil E. Buster
