All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Gunnison Mower’s Safety Course Offered
Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – September 17, 2015
The officially recognized, patented and juried 2015 Gunnison Mower’s Safety Course will be offered again this fall to persons who have mastered the summer preliminary curriculum. This year’s syllabus concentrates heavily on the adaption of the metric system and its application to more conventional approaches to trimming.
Adherence to s simple step-by-step procedure will result in fewer mishaps with rotor blades and lurking sunstroke according to masterminds associated with the project.
Persons born after March 1949 must take this course if they intend to mow their lawns this fall. Others, born earlier are urged to sign up for the 400-hours of Saturday classes, so as to remain on top of newest developments.
“We offer plenty of tips for mower safety as well as insider hints on weed control and fertilization techniques,” said board member Charlene Gascanne, between meetings.
The cost for the classes is a reasonable $400 (sleeper compartment slightly more) and must be paid in advance. Persons caught mowing (or weed eating without proper certification will surrender lawn privileges and may face fines and imprisonment. – Koko Nucla
Colorado Weapons Ban Widens
Special from The National Trigger Finger – September 10, 2015
Unconfirmed sources at the state capital confirm that an extended ban on assault-related armaments will take affect in October. Most notably sticks and rocks are now verboten, along with dining room furniture and kitchen utensils.
Other taboo minutiae making the roster of banned weaponry are ash trays, table tops, bottles, sharp pencils, sling-shots, water pistols, skillets, rolling pins, Louisville Sluggers, sharpened pork chop bones, sawed off potatoes, sharp tongues, battering corkscrews and hat pins.
Lauding the bi-partisan action several members of the Colorado Senate assured voters that “this slew of new laws should work as well as all the other laws already on the books” in controlling the spread of violence in Colorado.
Pro-weapons groups such as the National Cucumber Association and the mysterious Polyester Enchilada Coalition have pledged to overturn the legislation, which they say is the work of progressives, liberals and Satan.
– Jolly Pena
“One path (before us) leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. I pray we have the widow to choose wisely.”
– Woody Allen
Motorists Warned of Underwear Check Stations
(Moab, UT The Clashing Fashions Review – September 10, 2015)
As hard to believe as it might be, especially considering more pressing matters, the state of Utah has installed secret safety roadside checkpoints to assure that all motorists and passengers are wearing skivvies when they arrive in the Beehive State.
Won’t this be fun.
The roadblocks are camouflaged as anything from a nuclear plant to a lemonade stand and have been propped up by security forces and the National Guard. They can be found at logistical redoubts from Vernal to St. George and at all major border crossings. The posts often operate during morning hours at one locale then move to another spot for the evening rush hour.
Although residents of Utah are not expected to be examined with the fine toothcomb that awaits tourists and visitors, they too must adhere to strict regulations with regards to underwear.
“We don’t care if these moral midgets wear roller skates and lampshades over their heads as long as they are wearing underpants while they are here,” said an unreliable source at the county level.
Persons caught without the proper interior gear will be fined and could be incarcerated for aggravated cases.
“Generally anyone who is taken into custody can arrange for underwear to be sent to the jail, say they are sorry, pay a small fine and go on their way,” added the source. “We aren’t looking to create an international incident here. We just want to keep Utah hygienic and good by enforcing the morals and ethics of this righteous land.”
Anyone heading west into Utah is urged to stop and purchase a contraband map/timetable that outlines this colossal undertaking. Available at the Colorado Department of Tourism, these handy guides are a must for treks into the unknown. Travelers coming east from Utah are eligible for free coffee and counseling at the many refugee camps that dot the Colorado River Basin.
Take heed. These people are serious. Many of our kinsmen have crossed over never to be heard from again!
“I may not know what I like but I know a lot about art.”
– Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
Heir to the throne?
According to reputable/reliable sources (the boy’s grandfather and former Bowling Green cheerleader, Rex Bishop)) Sebastian will take over quarterbacking duties for the Denver Broncos in 2035 (coinciding with the year Peyton Manning decides to retire?). Them’s some big shoes (or hats) to fill but great athletes run in the family. When contacted Broncos front office boss, John Elway, said the team would take a wait and see approach to the development.
Boogeyman Obtiene Silla Electronica
(Nightmare Crónicas – Septiembre 25, 2015
(Wimpton) El infame Boogeyman, la némesis de todos los niños antes de dormir durante décadas, se ha ejecutado de acuerdo con una historia de derechos de autor en Bares y rayas, una boquilla industria correccional. El duende no arrepentido estaba de buen humor según testigos presenciales, cuando llegaba a su última redada en aproximadamente 4:16 am del jueves.
Él se cree que es el único personaje, dibujos animados o de otro modo, de haber expirado dentro de estas páginas en 38 años de publicación.
Fuentes dentro del sistema penal confirmó informes de que el Boogeyman se negó la venda tradicional para que pudiera “bloquear los ojos con su verdugo” en el momento de su fallecimiento. También se negó un cigarrillo por razones de salud, se dio a conocer. Todos los duelos y condolencias (si hubiera alguna) deben dirigirse a la Casa de la pesadilla, una casa de reposo para los demonios jubilados, monstruos, demonios y realmente grandes arañas.
Sobrevivió por allegados Sra Bugaboo, el Sr. Spook y la propia sombra Brothers, lo recuerdan mejor para crear miedo infundado en los corazones de los niños. Su hábito de esconderse detrás de las cortinas, que acechan en los armarios y debajo de las camas tiene que ser considerado como el metro clásico susto del siglo!
Aunque ido, es poco probable que él será olvidado.
Muchos regocijado después de un indulto a gobernador se negó el miércoles, mientras que partidarios entusiastas del Boogeyman pidieron “el cierre de todas las clínicas de aborto y la construcción de más cárceles lickety-split”.
Mientras tanto, el gobernador de la sombra fue vista por última vez explorar las oscuras mazmorras, tristes de su mansión en la colina. Es de conocimiento común en la casa del estado que no ha incursionado en los sótanos desde su elección en 2002.
– Bunny Trimble
Arms Dealers Feel Peace Crunch
(Geneva-on-the-Lake, Ohio – September 10, 2015)
Heads of the ten largest munitions companies on earth concluded annual summer meetings here on a sour note today. Saying that the demand for weapons has diminished of late, due in part to peace initiatives and domestic aid, the weapons dealers unanimously agreed to persevere.
“Despite the threats to our pocketbook we will continue to press for wars and global military turbulence,” stated a release at the conclusion of the summit. “All this talk of peace is fine but it could translate into the loss if millions of jobs.”
Corporate bosses and their lackeys in the gov’ment have succeeded exporting most manufacturing jobs to emerging nations, leaving the munitions business as one of the only viable industry left in this country.
“Sure, we’re feeling the crunch, said one arms lobbyist, but we’re staying optimistic. We have great faith in man’s inhumanity to man and the natural selection regarding population control.”
The source refused comment when asked if condemnations of gun manufacturers by outspoken pontiff, Pope Francis, had made any impact on industry thinking.
Saying only that the embrace of the dove and the olive branch will lead to bigger problems in the workplace, the lobbyist pointed to leading indicators in Africa and the Middle East defining future warfare.
“Take Angola for example,” he said “We could always count on warlords to purchase four or five tanks and a platoon’s worth of hand-held missiles every six months or so. Now we’re lucky if they order a few assault rifles.”
Dealers are said to be particularly annoyed at peace overtures in Afghanistan and a return to a military dictatorship in Egypt that have clamped down on military operations.
“We figured on hitting our sales goal in North Africa before Christmas but now we can’t project very much,” he continued. “Why even the Serbs and the Croats have ceased hostilities.”
In most rogue nations gov’ment leaders use monies from the sale of natural resources for the purchase of weaponry to use against rivals. Meanwhile the people, legitimate heirs to the resource funds, go hungry and hungry populations provide soldiers, lots of soldiers. It’s an evil merry-go-round that is anything but merry.
Most canon merchants remain confident or cautiously hopeful that the situation will turn around in time.
“Climate change and the radicalization of minorities worldwide has created a positive environment for more conflict everywhere,” said the lobbyist. “Even the terrorists have let us down this billing period. But we still have the Congo where a classic world war has been raging for decades. Sometimes good things come in small packages.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
