All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Warning: Newsprint Unsafe?
(Tomichi, CO — Thames Times — June 17, 2016)
The long held practice of wrapping fish and chips in common newsprint has come under attack once again by journalists and consumer groups concerned with health and safety of hungry diners.
Thanks to an indignant piece appearing in Stiff Upper Lip, a somewhat flippant culinary magazine circulated in Great Britain, the cleanliness of newsprint has once again been called into question. According to the author the food is exposed to the ink and chemicals inherent to the wrapping paper. In addition the paper is likely to be germ-ridden due to exposure to vermin in plants and press rooms.
The introduction of malt or vinegar to the traditional fish and potato fare is like “mixing tainted combustibles or frayed explosives” then serving them to the unwary public. The results, so it says, can be disastrous. The article goes on in small print to admit that although the newsprint might not be appetizing, there has never been a recorded death linked to the consumption of the staple/newsprint combination.
In fact, no one has ever reported getting ill from the procedure.
When contacted by phone over the noon hour the majority of the fish and chip stands in Manchester and Leeds said they would continue to wrap the product in newspapers in support of the Fourth Estate in the country. Data collected on the affects of eating greasy food wrapped in electronic websites was inconclusive and thrown into the trash.
– Alfalfa Romero
TOOLE SHOTS DAZZLING 19 ON DOS RIOS COURSE
(GUNNISON – June 16, 2016) Fairway wizard Melvin Toole has shocked the golf world by recording a course record 19 over the weekend. Flaming his way through the first nine without a hitch, Toole’s drive on 17 just wouldn’t drop, rolling around the hole three times before stopping on the green.
Caddie Simone Simone told The Horseshoe that many in the gallery complained of neck injuries after watching the spiraling motion of the ball go round and around the on the lip of the cup.
“If it weren’t for that disastrous 17th he would have been perfect,” said the caddie. “Lots of golfers spend years just trying to break par. They take lessons, buy expensive equipment and get ulcers over such a silly game. Remember: It was invented by the Scots, who had been clearly exposed to yesterday’s haggis.”
This was only Toole’s second time on a golf corpse, having played the Montrose Course (recording a 22) Thursday. If he keeps up this fiery pace he will have to be considered the top contender in the Fairway Pines Bazooka Shoot slated for the Thirty-Fifth.
Appearing in what has become his trademark attire: a stunning red crepe blazer with matching whipped cream argyle suspenders, impressive asbestos chaps, your everyday competition flippers and a rigidly flumed stovepipe hat, Toole told reporters that his secret is to relax and hit the ball as hard as possible.
“Often I close my eyes right at the point of contact or aim for another golfer,” smiled the linkster. “The pro here says that as soon as I can get around to buying some irons my game should continue to improve.”
Toole said he took up golf because he likes to ride around in a the little carts drinking beer. He said the game reminded him a lot of croquet except that it wasn’t quite as painful being hit in the forehead with the golf ball.
– Rocky Flats
“I’m a great putter. I just can’t seem to get the ball to go into the little hole.” – Melvin Toole, famous greenskeeper.
Wall Street Bankers’ Organs Worthless to Science
(Mao Clinic — Hedger’s Review — June 22, 2016)
The American Medical Association, backing up affirmations by researchers here, has further established that organs donated by Wall Street bankers and most brokers are scientifically worthless. These include hearts, livers, as well as assorted nervous system parts and accessories.
In particular it is the heart that is of no use to medicine since that organ tends to shrink with every questionable transaction.
“While the chest may be extended the heart is most likely diminished due to professional associations, elitism and greed,” said one surgeon at Mao. “The hearts arrive post mortem and are sent back. Sometimes it requires a microscope to even see them much less detect a viable beat.”
Surgeons were quick to point out that any act of benevolence, such as willing one’s physical body to science, is appreciated by the hospital.
“They are also far too cold to be transplanted into the chest of a normal, warm-blooded human being,” added the source. “Most of their livers are shot as well due to years of alcohol abuse which tends to accompany the high stress work.”
The nervous system of the average Wall Street trader resembles the drive train on a rusted out Pinto (car not bean) and is of no use at all. Doctors here say many of the people are setting themselves up for an early end
“They should radically change their lifestyles, give away all their money and devote their lives to helping the poor,” said another Mao spokesperson, sliding into a bright red Alpha Romeo. “We at Mao are only happy to soothe this fiscal plight, especially if it leads to a healthier mind and body. After all, isn’t that what medicine is all about?”
None of the medical personnel cared to comment when asked about the value of Wall Street souls.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Killer Bee Update
(El Pasto — Winged Crier — June 14, 2016)
Throng of killer bees have reached the outskirts of El Paso, Texas this morning and are headed north. Having outflanked the thousands of armed Tea Party vigilantes the bees are expected to arrive on the grounds of Fort Bliss if the pollution doesn’t destroy their tiny lungs.
Scientists in Texas, who don’t believe in the Ozone, say that the bees will almost certainly be exposed to harmful rays of the sun and could go blind. Another scenario shows the bees smoking tobacco and succumbing to cancer and related maladies before they make Oklahoma.
The Department of Instigation has been busy building fences all along the US-Mexico border to keep out the aggressive pests that, by last tally, number in the quadric-millions. If the fence fails to stop the onslaught a plan to deprive the bees of sustenance by blacktopping Mexico is firmly on the back burner.
Patriotic Americans are instructed to stay inside their homes and watch television until this newly emerging peril passes.
Pot dispensaries and sex shop spin-offs
First it was the legalization of pot – then followed by a throng of sex shops like this one proving that marijuana is an entry drug that leads to heavier drug use, the loss of control and social perversion. Lawmakers in the Emerald City were quick to act shocked while making no legislative moves to combat this growing cancer.
