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Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour
(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year, up 75% since December.
“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with other celebrity energy is in the air. In death as in life The King seeks center stage,”
Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid kilt, bow tie and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.
“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”
The Ghost of Elvis near a pool at Bath, England in 2004. Parapsychologists in Colorado have been charting reported sightings in hopes of more closely monitoring ghostly movements attributed to The King this winter. While most behavior is quite predictable the phantom’s attempts to make a fashion statement with traditional plaids have thrown researchers for a loop.
Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.
“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”
She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.
“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.
If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.
“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”
Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.
“In 2017 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”
Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.
“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley could be of Celtic stock. “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”
Great Moments in Crested Butte Dog Court
Prosecutor: And we can prove that on the night of June 4,1987 that this transient mongrel, Spot, did willfully mess on Elk Avenue right in front of a group of tourists who were reportedly carrying as much as $1000 on their persons.
It is further noted that Spot has will fully attempted to sabotage the efforts of the Crested Butte and Mt. Crested Butte Chambers of Commerce and Governor Hickenlooper’s “Dome of the Range” program…
Defense: Objection, your honor. Spot doesn’t even know Governor Hickenlooper. We have no malice here…
Spot: Woof:!
Judge: I find the defendant guilty on all counts and sentence him to two days in the pound and fifty hours of public service. Can you handle a shovel son?
Spot: Woof, Woof!
Horizontal Zoning Revives Red Light District
(Crested Butte) This once bawdy brothel row may be making a comeback here and everyone isn’t happy about it. According a referendum narrowly passed in the last election and a series of piggy-back amendments to the holy charter, discrimination based on profession or occupation is now illegal within town limits.
The controversial horizontal zoning regulations make it clearly legal to operate a house of ill repute, or brothel, just so long as the management adheres to long established town ordinances. The houses will not be allowed on Elk Avenue, must be painted purple as prescribed by BOZO. They must purchase a license and follow strict and hours of operation as set by the local council.
Many residents see this particular development as a return to the old days and add that, despite the conservative side of the population, this kind of monkey business had always been here since the mining days. Seeing the houses as historically significant, they say prostitution should be grandfathered in and made legal just like real estate transactions, ski area development and the creation of subdivisions.
Detractors say the profession is immoral and that they will not stand for it here.
“We will not be a part of any consummation of this type with common courtesans, their entourage or anything else that sounds French,” said Abner Cole, of Peanut Lake. “We already have enough distraction here with the hippies. Derelicts that would use a service of this type already have bars, dancing and liquor stores. What makes them think that just because brothels are a normal part of almost every society in the world that we should tolerate them here too?”
Horizontal zoning plan calls for the parlor houses to be restricted to Belleview Avenue and at least 200 feet from public lands or access points. No flashing lights or loud music will be tolerated and no liquor may be consumed on the specific property during hours of operation. Already parking overflow problems are being undressed and flower boxes are in place.
“Let’s look at this proposal with both eyes open.” blinked one councilman, Cyrus Klopps, “Horizontal zoning is good for Crested Butte. It allows for a tremendous tax base, it creates jobs and it gives the tourists something to do besides eating, skiing, eating and watching TV in their rooms at night.
“We must stop dragging our heels on this libertine issue,” he continued. “The place is so damn vertical now that it drives a lot of us nuts.”
A brainchild of allegedly enlightened town planners, horizontal zoning restricts certain types of service businesses from the main street and encourages more retail space. This kind of zoning creates diversity and allows for more restaurants and boutiques in the center of town.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Reverend Lauds Valhalla as White Heaven
(Hell, Norway) A strip mall evangelist last night told his dripping flock that heaven wasn’t for everyone, especially if you happen to be of color. Rev Arthur H. Snow, a lifestyle polygamist and legendary cakewalk anchor, further contended that the name of the place was not Heaven at all, but was called Valhalla.
“Valhalla is definitely a gated community and only admits Aryans and other Northern Europeans,” he said, offering no further resource for his claims. “Jesus was a Visigoth and Valhalla is his home,” continued Snow. “Look at all the pictures of him. He’s white. He ain’t no Semitic. He’s not even Italian. He just has a nice tan from spending all that time preaching in the desert and such.”
At that a discomforting quiet came over the room as the assembled had never heard of Visigoths and were not sure they liked them. The name sounded evil.
“Don’t worry about marauding Visigoths,” Snow added quickly. “They were once barbarians but now their Christians and little buddies of the Lord.”
A sigh of relief was heard as the congregation smiled contentedly at the news that another pack of pagans had seen the light. They waited, arms folded in their faithful laps for another outburst from their favorite cleric. The collection plate made its way around the room and Snow cleared his throat for another go-round.
According to the reverend in a closing sermon, all this ashes-to-ashes and dust-to-dust status did not apply to the chosen assembled here.
“Sinners and non-believers will face the ashes and dust judgment,” he decried, “You bet…but the faithful can take their bodies, bank accounts, guns, even their cars to this promised land of milk and honey.”
-Jim Crow
WHO warns: Do not let politicians kiss your baby
(Brazzaville, Congo) The World Health Organization has released a statement warning parents as to the dangers of allowing their off-spring to be kissed by politicians.
The caveat, made public as part of a United Nation’s effort to control outbreaks of cholera, yellow fever, malaria and stupidity denounces the age-old custom of candidate affection toward persons too young to vote.
“Do you want someone who spends the entire day avoiding the truth and making up lies kissing your kid?” asked Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Panties Without Borders. “I for one choose to keep my off-spring away from these scalawags. I’d sooner brush lips with a water buffalo than one of these sycophants looking for an easy paycheck.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Vodka Shares Stabilize
(Moscow Mule) Amid fears of major setbacks affecting the international spirits exchange, vodka has rebounded nicely on the wet circuit overriding gin and bourbon on this month’s swilling board.
Despite deteriorating political conditions at the core of production, consumers appear to be lined up behind the product setting free a flourish of positive response and enthusiastic imbibing. Vodka Nose, a common symptom of overindulging, has either been downplayed by persuasive sources or blamed on Poland.
“We will not take responsibility for vodka nose while inferior products continue to flood the market,” said a source in Russia. “Like champagne the only true vodka comes from our grain and our potatoes.”
The Spud Market, already heard-pressed due to what officials called the Turnip Effect, has been escalloped over the past decade and it’s a relief to see that there are some strengths that remain despite half-baked beliefs that threaten to boil over and engulf the starchy, tuberous staple commodity.
When contacted to further explain the attack on Polish vodka Russian leaders where too busy hacking, flattering, snooping, doping, spying, denying, courting, jousting and at least 50 more ing actions to respond at this time. According to the Kremlin a full disclosure would be forthcoming as soon as sensitive encounters could be whitewashed and potentially incriminating evidence distorted.
Peasants in all affected countries were encouraged to drink up and not worry knowing that leaders had their best interests at heart.
– Suzie Compost
