All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Alien Landing Postponed
(Houston) Sources at NASA say projected alien landings were postponed so as to avoid conflicts with the holidays and that earthlings should be prepared for coordinated visits in late January.
According to data collected from satellites in outer space the aliens plan to land in Canada sometime in mid-winter. After securing a beachhead they will head south. Other contingents will focus on Europe and Asia.
“We have no idea if these are friendlies or if they intend to take over the planet by force,” said one scientist, “But the fact that they showed restraint over Christmas is a good sign.”
Doomsdayers disagree saying that the coordinated attack plans were still not formulated and that the aliens prefer a systematic, coordinated effort aimed at dominating the earth and its residents.
“We don’t think these beings are coming here to bring us fruit baskets,” said the member of one militant group who, along with his cohorts is stockpiling ammunition in apprehension of a battle of some sort.
A jumbled transmission, interrupted by space agencies here also suggests that the alien activity is of a social nature.
“We think the intruders are no more than alien college kids coming here for spring break,” said a press release received this morning. “In which case they may not be warriors at all but more along the line of party animals looking for a good time. In this case we should have about two months to prepare for their coming.”
My favorite people in Jardin, Colombia
Las damas de helado…The ice cream ladies. Always a smile, always scooping delicious ice cream to feed my dessert fantasies. Chocolate, vanilla or rocky road? Have a seat on the plaza and enjoy yours! Number one stop in Antioquia.
Trump-ridden newly accepted in Webster’s
(Washington) A beaming Donald Trump puffed up and thanked supporters, adding that he, more than almost anyone, belonged in the dictionary.
“I am the best person for the honor,” he smiled. “I am the first President to have a dictionary word named after him. Even O’Bama didn’t do that. It’s a great accomplishment.”
Trump-ridden although not particularly gracious, gives Trump much needed attention in the arena of the inteligensia, another word in the dictionary often lost under exuberant red caps.
The term Trump-ridden is used as an adjective in the following sentence: FCC Reclassifies a Trump-ridden FOX News as a “dishonest, raw opiate” despite row by Jeff Sessions.
The White House has only recently criticized the attorney general for disloyalty.
Trump further welcomed the inclusion by announcing the a military parade will be organized in his honor to celebrate the great feat.
Dictionary tribute provides distraction, masks voyage
(Milwaukee) Moments after a swaggering President Trump began his monologue about dictionary inclusion and greatness, a small convoy of yachts began landing near St Petersburg. Over 200 Republicans and their families surrendered their ocean-going vessels and walked ashore.
This was the Ryan-McConnell Flotilla, an armada that had been seen setting sail from Washington in the middle of the night. For most of the pilgrims it was the first time, excluding Cancun and Niagara Falls, they had set foot out of the United States
Greeted by top officials from the Kremlin, the immigrants will reside the Russia so as to avoid prosecution for treason in the United States. Many have applied for diplomatic immunity, refugee status and outright asylum. Putin is expected to greet his comrades at a state dinner in Moscow on Friday.
In the chaos to escape the cold, several smaller craft sank in the choppy seas ceding untold tons of gold to the Baltic Sea. Three unidentified members of the House were feared lost in the attempt to recover the loot. They were immediately replaced from a nearby bait bucket, thoughtfully brought on board by a competitive bass fisherman from the Midwest, who had hoped to “land a caviar or two.”
Although promised luxury accommodations in St Petersburg, the Tory cluster will instead be housed in the village of Krasnoyarsk, 220 kilometers northwest of the Mongolian border “until they assimilate into the Russian culture” according to party officials quite familiar with this sort of thing.
Meanwhile, the Integrity Index, a measure that determines good and evil in public servants jumped 67 points with the departure of the Congressmen. Several Democrats, invited to go along on the sojourn, declined the offer in that they could not swim and had to wash their hair that evening.
– Gabby Haze
CAFE EXCELSO ESPECIAL
Cafe Luqman was named Best Coffee at a national symposium held in January at Popyan, Colombia. Posing with his favorite brew is Victor Gutierrez, owner of the coffee company. The coffee beans are grown at Pijao in Quindio and Victor operates a comfortable coffee house on the plaza. For more look at www.thrillist.com
Black Hole Waste Disposal Slated For New Jersey
Officials at Waste Supervision, Inc., have announced that they will locate the world’s first artificial black hole at an undisclosed location in New Jersey, and will monetize their investment by using it to dispose of trash, toxic waste, and other unwanted products of our industrial civilization.
The move had been rumored for several months, as word leaked out that the company had developed the technology for producing artificial black holes, and that it would deploy the technology in accordance with the company’s traditional objectives. Waste Supervision is an American waste management, comprehensive waste, and environmental services company. Black holes are an astronomical phenomenon, involving gravitational collapse so intense that even light (and therefore unwanted trash) cannot escape from one. Heretofore, black holes have not been known to be any closer than distant parts of our galaxy. Locating one on earth would certainly be a first.
Dr. Werner Holden, spokesman for Waste Supervision, confirmed that the black hole technology, which should put Waste Supervision far ahead of competitors, was largely the brainchild of a key employee, whom Dr. Holden declined to name. “For now, let’s just call him Mr. X,” he said. “Mr. X dropped out from a graduate physics program at one of our major universities when his experimental black hole technology was not accepted as a thesis topic. Mr. X had been a kind of physical science savant in his department, one who developed clever experiments on selected topics, with the goal of enhancing his own understanding and that of others. This made him popular with other students and with some faculty, particularly faculty who could then offload their teaching assignments onto Mr X. Eventually, Mr. X wanted to understand General Relativity better and, through his unique abilities, he hit on the black hole technology.”
When a reporter asked why this breakthrough had not been sufficient for a thesis topic, Dr. Holden replied, “Well as I said, Mr. X was a bit of a savant. His qualifying exams at the university were not good, as his conceptual difficulty with, for example, 3-dimensional Green’s Functions and his poor comprehension of irreducible tensor operators hurt him badly in course work. This was because he could not devise his preferred practical learning tools for those required topics. However, he did do that for General Relativity, thus developing his now-famous artificial black hole. Moreover, he needed a little “infrastructure” to complete the proof of concept, and we could provide that. Well, the university’s loss is Waste Supervision’s gain, I would say. We’re proud of Mr. X, and may eventually release his name.”
Another reporter asked if the US government wanted to classify the black hole technology and possibly weaponize it. Dr. Holden answered, “No we haven’t heard about that. The task of turning a black hole into a missile payload and launching it at an enemy seems to me to be far less feasible than just having it stay put in New Jersey, as our company prefers to do. But if other entities have creative ideas about using the technology, we could discuss licensing.”
When asked exactly where in New Jersey the black hole facility would be located, Dr. Holden said, “We have narrowed down the list, and each place has appeared in the punch line of a joke about New Jersey. I know, that’s not very specific but it’s all I have for now. Next question.” Reporters speculated that Secaucus, Hoboken, and Perth Amboy could well head the list.
Another questioner asked how this breakthrough in technology will affect the shadowy waste disposal practices of New Jersey contractors with links to organized crime. Dr. Holden said, “We checked into that and noted that organized crime minions find the waste disposal run into the swamp lands to be a low-status activity these days; they’re tired of sticking their dumbest kids with the job and would be only too happy to get rid of it. So we’re good to go.”
Dr. Holden was then asked about EPA and other government approvals for the black hole site. Wouldn’t that be difficult? “I really don’t expect a regulatory problem from this business-friendly administration in Washington,” Dr. Holden said. “I mean, black holes are not against the law in any way, and Congress is not in the mood to pass new laws and regulations against free enterprise.” When asked about the size of the keep-out zone around the black hole, and whether it would endanger the surrounding area, Dr. Holden said, “That’s all proprietary, but we’ve talked to many residents of the state and most of them said that they wouldn’t mind if certain parts of New Jersey fell into a black hole.”
A recently appointed EPA official in Washington, who wished to remain anonymous, seemed to confirm Dr. Holden’s anticipated government attitudes. “Jumping in and regulating a clean disposal technology like black holes sounds like something a Democrat administration would do,” he declared.
Dr. Holden called for one last question, which was: Where does the trash end up when it falls into a black hole? “That’s a great final question,” he said, “and you’ll have to ask an astronomer but I don’t think even they know. The good news is that we’re pretty sure all of it is first broken into elementary particles. At that point, it may go into another universe but then it will be another universe’s problem, not ours.”
copyright 2018 Tim Maloney
A pathetic thing happened on the way to the Senate
NRA spokesman blows balls off
(Washington DC) A National Rifle Association executive was severely injured this morning when a Luger 10mm, semi-automatic pistol, stuffed down the front of his pants inexplicably discharged blowing his testicles over into Maryland. The pistol-toting lobbyist, a leading voice against gun control in any form, was cheated and released from St. Roscoe’s Retired Congressmen’s Hospital in Arlington according to his wife.
He had been on his way to Congress to deliver weekly cash payments to senators and congressmen who “understood the reality of arms and munitions in the 21st Century”. The explosion was far more intense than one might expect due to the estimated 800 hits of Viagra stored next to the weapon in his pants pocket.
“He had seen Sylvester Stallone or gangsters in Goodfellows carry pistols in this manner and figure it was acceptable,” said an aide. “He just forgot safety procedures in his haste to make a good impression on the legislative body. We’re still not sure how he go the gun through the webs of security that blanket the chambers.”
“There’s nothing that says love like a KG-99 or other assault pistol behind the old trouser snake zipper,” offered one late night talk show host in his monologue. It’s the one-two punch that went “Boom!” he said.
– Gloria de Quirke
Need to swap my 9 foot ceiling for an 8 foot ceiling. It’s getting too hard to swat flies at the 9 foot level. Straight across deal. No attached walls please. Call by noon. Hurry!” Ask for Mike.
