All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Man Recovering After Falls Leap
(Crested Butte) Local man, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, is in fair condition after leaping off Coal Creek Falls in nothing but an oak whiskey barrel yesterday. The daredevil feat, lambasted by authorities yet praised by extreme sportscasters, took place at high noon on an unseasonably warm February day. It was witnessed by hundreds of extreme motion junkies who hoped the event might someday gain Olympic status.
Although shaken and frozen Toole expects to sell some 400 photographs of the leap in his Elk Avenue Bistro on Whiterock. What he doesn’t sell will be nailed to trees all over town and up Kebler.
In moments he was picked up by local police officers, and charged with disturbing the peace, wasting water and reckless endangerment before being whisked away to the Gunnison Valley Large Animal Clinic where he is being held today.
Initially Toole’s target was a small wading pond just to the north of Wirtz Falls. Unfortunately he missed the pond altogether and landed in a mangrove of willows and mud.
“The sound was frightening when he hit,” said one bystander. “It’s lucky he was wearing a seat belt.”
Toole himself plans to sue someone over the incident and further shape his fortune. Supporters insist that their hero will settle out of a quart and avoid a juried arts events in general.
Danger existed long before the jump as Toole climbed the 300-foot cliff adjacent to the falls. Slippery rocks and aggressive birds often appeared to have the edge but the persistent athlete, the first man ever to negotiate the Black Canyon using nothing but dental floss and an eyebrow pencil, finally overcame all adversity and arrived at the summit just moments before eleven. As a crowd gathered Toole climbed into his barrel, adjusted his goggles and simply leaned in the direction of down.
“We could care less about all this serve and protect business,” said one local cop off the record. “This clown broke the law and must face the consequences. We’re concerned about the preliminary message sent by this fanfare. Imagine if everyone decided to jump off a waterfall in a barrel!”
While in the hospital the famous daredevil has received thousands of get well wishes and cards. He is scheduled to appear on the Dope-rah, The Daily Grow, Jimmy Felon Live, the David Netherlands Show sometime before the 20th Annual Summer Weekend Festival in Gunnison. Toole is employed as an associate professor of gravity at Western State Colorado University and collects bird houses in his spare time.
– Suzie Compost
“Our Dirt Smells Even Better Under Eight Feet of Snow”
Crested Butte Soil Quality- Phase Two
Acknowledging that it would be next to impossible to prove that the scent of the earth’s crust is superior in Crested Butte, advocates of this phenomenon say it may help explain the unbridled popularity of the town with second homeowners.
(Gothic) Last summer a popular mountain biking promotional claimed that the dirt in Crested Butte smelled better than other dirt found elsewhere. The tongue-in-cheek announcement created a few laughs and shed some positive light on the sense of humor within the community.
Does Crested Butte dirt smell better even under all the snow?
Despite the fact that other locales expressed cynicism and that an accepted measure for determining dirt aroma is not available, the originators of this olfactive declaration are standing fast on stunning dirt fragrances.
“We’re on board with great smelling dirt under the snow,” said one copywriter involved in the original statement. “It just makes sense.”
“If I was going to drop $500,000 on a house I only used for two months per year I’d damn sure want to know the dirt smelled better than in Vail or Aspen,” said one local jokester.
-Small Mouth Bess
Incentive Program Offers Mortuary Miles
(Mañana) A local funeral pioneer has embraced the cutting edge with an innovative, albeit controversial, post-mortem incentive program. Soon customers of Up, Up and Away Internment International will have the opportunity to earn miles and travel bonuses based on money spent and flight routes chosen.
Based on the highly popular miles programs offered by the airlines and hotels, this groundbreaking burial concept offers credits for miles travelled as well as purchases made along the way.
“No matter what they tell you from behind the collection plate nobody knows what to expect after we die,” chided J. Elmzuni Pritchard CEO of UUAII. “I don’t know about you but I’d rather go over the top with a little backup. Even if the miles don’t get you saved, they look good on a resume.”
“Some clients have enough miles to go to heaven or hell,” continued Elmzuni. “Their choice. Reward miles are a real plus if you’re born again and/or live parallel lives. Our Companion Fare is perfect for multiple personalities.”
Souls that just linger, hover or just drop in for a cup of tea on occasion, can qualify for mile credits but they must prove that they were on the flight in the first place.”
“We want to accommodate everyone living or deceased and some what ain’t,” quacked Pritchard. “Of corpse deadhead trips are cheaper. “We don’t like to call them that. We prefer the term Lite, as in Lite VIP.”
Up, Up and Away can usually get the client out the door, casket included, for about half what one would pay sans miles in a conventional mortuary. While it may seem ridiculous to book all of this type of travel in advance we suggest booking in advance. You can secure a seat later.
“They had a woman over in Placerville what died three times back in October and it cost her next to nothing,” chipped Pritchard.
And that good news for the people back home. No more worry about freezer burn, clipped wings or soil tests.
Persons wishing to sign up for the Up, Up and Away Miles Reward Program should download the official Up, Up and Away App, enjoy a Starbucks, buy a new cell phone, join a team and ask their doctor. Travelers who have yet to lose the attachment to the natural state may be responsible for IVA charges.
– Paula Parvenu
Gunnison “Pretty Cold” Last Night
(Gunnison) Weather factions hold up somewhere inside in their woolies, confirm that Gunnison was “pretty cold” last night. Although the exact temperature was never confirmed, unreliable sources at Main and Tomichi say levels dropped well below others state wide. Conflicting reports, filed by rogue weather forecasters in fur hats tagged the temperatures as “damn cold”.
The problem monitoring weather in the Gunnison Valley has something to do with the critical measuring apparatus freezing and therefore not giving an accurate testimony to the chill.
“At least the wind doesn’t blow that much,” said one life long resident, “and the summers are heavenly. Plus, when it gets this cold the little temperature machine on the bank freezes so we don’t have that frigid reminder to contend with each morning,” she bbrrrred.
Meanwhile the dangerous Polar Vortex hovers over much of the upper Midwest creating life threatening realities for a lot of people who wish they were in Florida for February.
– Merv Ditchwater
SNOW GODS CONVENE
Continued from “The Long Underworld”
…and just leave it all in the hands of our North American couterpart, Awonawilona. The Pueblos know all about this part of the country.
Thor: I’m getting pissed off. This taking too long. Once again, I am not in favor of cloud seeding in any manner and would like to see a show of hands. All in favor of dumping on them say Yeah!
All gods: Yeah!
Balder: “That settles that. We’ll bury the Rockies in yards of snow until at least April. Six days and six nights of snow to start with, then some sun, then more snow. Every night and all night in March. And now the chair recognizes Ull, god of skiing, winter and hunting.
Ull: Are we going to let on to the humans that the big chill is about to befall them?
Odin: Let me answer that. If we tell the humans about all the snow they will just try to pile it up in the middle of their streets, or try to spin it into gold. I say keep quiet and let the flakes go their way. Sooner or later they will figure out that they’re in for quite a winter.
Thor: Agreed. Why tell them anything? They get it all wrong anyway. They think we’re mythological but that their gods are real. By the way, where is that guy in the sandals? You know the liberal one from down around the Dead Sea…I thought he’d be here.
Ull: But he does not know snow.
Balder: We don’t need his help with the weather but he could spend some time straightening out a few of his followers, and maybe he could have a little talk with Mohammed as well.
Vali: All in good time. When the great floods come in the spring they will have to recognize our legitimacy or be washed away. Did you have a question or comment, Aegir?
Aegir: Thank you Vali. I only wanted to ask “Is this some kind of Satyr?
Odin: Very funny, great god of the sea and brewing. But a better question might be: How can we get one of our guys appointed to the Supreme Court? Is anyone thirsty?
Thor: No mead until after business is concluded. Aegir attempts to steal my thunder and it’s making me very angry.
Odin: All right, that’s quite enough. We’re all snow gods here and we should be able to get along. To reiterate: Everyone is in agreement. We will bury Colorado in snows higher than the walls of Babylon, deeper than the ancient rivers of Mesopotamia…whiter than…
Ull: Excuse me Odin but you’ve made your point and we all need to be getting back to Valhala. Even though we’re gods it’s getting dark and the roads are full of reindeer and elk.
Odin: I’m not quite finished, Ull. Is the big, bad god of winter afraid of a few little deer? (Clearing his throat) So it looks like it’s time to get out the mukluks. In closing I would like to thank everyone for coming to our annual winter meetings and extend a special thanks to Cuchulainn and Finn MacCool for the delicious stew.
Motorists Can Text While Driving But Can’t Drive a Stick
More and more people in the country cannot drive standard transmissions. This dreadful phenomenon, ascertained to be part of the human evolution of the 21st Century by automakers, has cheapened the driving experience and given the motorist less control in bad weather. It also sums up diminished statistics for responsible consumption of petroleum.
Is the availability of standard transmissions based on supply and demand or on other dark economic manipulations by the auto industry? Did the introduction of fuel-injected engines make operation of a car too easy and lead to the desire for more comfort?
For decades, since the end of the classical/romantic era where drivers cherished their chariots, the car manufacturers have seen consumers as technological bozos that do not want to perform unnecessary tasks while behind the wheel.
Apparently playing the radio, fooling with the electric windows and peering into the rear view dominate the short-fuse attention span. The names GTO or 442 or even four-on-the-floor are lost on these folks, many of whom say they are Nascar fans.
“Is it really all that difficult to engaged the clutch? smiled one consumer advocate. “The driver of a stick shift is more in tune with his vehicle and in turn better connected to the road. All one has to do is take a little spin and he will be convinced.”
But they can all text while at the wheel and manipulate smart phones like nobody’s business. They just can’t tell second gear from reverse that could be fatal in the flash between safe driving and incompetent
The development, while a passing wind to most, seriously disturbs automotive experts who say it can only mean more speed bumps to less brainpower on the road.
– Alfalfa Romero
“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.” – Jonathan Swift
